Well, well, well, NFL defenders. You had 9 nine weeks to fuck up Tom Brady’s knee and collect my bounty. But I see you were just too dignified and sportsmanlike to get the job done on the field. Well, that’s a fucking disgrace.
But I am nothing if not persistent. This week’s is the Patriots’ bye week, and it presents a perfect opportunity to kneecap this pretty bastard as he enjoys his leisure time. I happen to have come across a copy of Brady’s bye week itinerary. He’ll be in New York with that floozy of a Brazilian girlfriend of his all week. Tomorrow, they plan on window shopping in SoHo. What perfect opportunity for you to injure Mr. Wonderful and collect my money. IF YOU'VE GOT THE BALLS. Just picture it: one minute, our friend is delighting at the sweet treats in the window of Jacques Torres Chocolate Haven. The next minute, BOOM! A fucking Lincoln Navigator pins him right against the glass, rupturing vital arteries and teaching him an important lesson in humility. Do you have the steely determination to carry this out? I don’t like what you’ve shown me so far.
And I’ve got an extra treat waiting for you if you pull this off, Mr. Defender Man. Last week, I threw in a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. But this week, I’m going all out. I get it. You’re a celebrity now. Money is no longer as thrilling as it once was. Well, I know one thing no celebrity can resist. A GOODIE BAG!!!!
Aw, yeah. Feast your eyes. No celebrity can resist the siren song of free shit wrapped in tissue paper and then stuffed inside a decorative paper bag. It’s fun! It’s tax-free! It’s an incredible insult to working class Americans! No one can deny the appeal of that. Tara Reid has lived off of gift bags alone since 2002. Your gift bag will include the following items:
-Bottle of Stetson (for ironic purposes)
-Two day stay at Rancho Relaxo
-Free Movado watch
-Home pedicure set
-5 Lottery scratch tickets
-Free test trial sample of new Glaxosmithkline anemia pill
-Matt Ufford sex tape
-? (mystery item!)
-? (another mystery item!)
-? (yet another mystery item!)
-? (mystery item that’ll really make you cream your jeans!)
And if that’s not enough, we’re raising the bounty… TO SIXTY DOLLARS!!!!!
God, look at that. One fifty and one ten. Or get three twenties. Or six tens. Or twelve fives. But don’t ask me to pay you in singles. Go to Pacman Jones for that shit.
Your move, NFL defenders. It’s Tom Brady’s week off. But a week becomes a year so easily. All you need is a Louisville Slugger and an iron will.