Tuesday, November 6, 2007

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – Tom Brady Knee Bounty Increased To $60, Plus Free Goodie Bag!


Well, well, well, NFL defenders. You had 9 nine weeks to fuck up Tom Brady’s knee and collect my bounty. But I see you were just too dignified and sportsmanlike to get the job done on the field. Well, that’s a fucking disgrace.

But I am nothing if not persistent. This week’s is the Patriots’ bye week, and it presents a perfect opportunity to kneecap this pretty bastard as he enjoys his leisure time. I happen to have come across a copy of Brady’s bye week itinerary. He’ll be in New York with that floozy of a Brazilian girlfriend of his all week. Tomorrow, they plan on window shopping in SoHo. What perfect opportunity for you to injure Mr. Wonderful and collect my money. IF YOU'VE GOT THE BALLS. Just picture it: one minute, our friend is delighting at the sweet treats in the window of Jacques Torres Chocolate Haven. The next minute, BOOM! A fucking Lincoln Navigator pins him right against the glass, rupturing vital arteries and teaching him an important lesson in humility. Do you have the steely determination to carry this out? I don’t like what you’ve shown me so far.

And I’ve got an extra treat waiting for you if you pull this off, Mr. Defender Man. Last week, I threw in a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. But this week, I’m going all out. I get it. You’re a celebrity now. Money is no longer as thrilling as it once was. Well, I know one thing no celebrity can resist. A GOODIE BAG!!!!


Aw, yeah. Feast your eyes. No celebrity can resist the siren song of free shit wrapped in tissue paper and then stuffed inside a decorative paper bag. It’s fun! It’s tax-free! It’s an incredible insult to working class Americans! No one can deny the appeal of that. Tara Reid has lived off of gift bags alone since 2002. Your gift bag will include the following items:

-Reese’s Cups
-Bottle of Stetson (for ironic purposes)
-Two day stay at Rancho Relaxo
-Free Movado watch
-Home pedicure set
-5 Lottery scratch tickets
-Free test trial sample of new Glaxosmithkline anemia pill
-Matt Ufford sex tape
-? (mystery item!)
-? (another mystery item!)
-? (yet another mystery item!)
-? (mystery item that’ll really make you cream your jeans!)

And if that’s not enough, we’re raising the bounty… TO SIXTY DOLLARS!!!!!



God, look at that. One fifty and one ten. Or get three twenties. Or six tens. Or twelve fives. But don’t ask me to pay you in singles. Go to Pacman Jones for that shit.

Your move, NFL defenders. It’s Tom Brady’s week off. But a week becomes a year so easily. All you need is a Louisville Slugger and an iron will.

37 comments:

Travis said...

Fuck gisele, says Leo DeCaprio. Check out Leo's new girlfriend, I think her name is Bar Rafaelli or something. She is absolutely gorgeous.

Travis said...

Rafaeli.

http://imstars.aufeminin.com/stars/fan/D20060719/2612_376899361_bar2_H173849_L.jpg

Christmas Ape said...

If "Silverback" James Harrison continues to play anything like he did last night, Brady will injure himself the night before the Steelers/Patriots game.

5150 said...

travis

Ok.

Also, please God, take Brady's life. But make it something stupid so no one feels sorry for him. Like beating an old lady and then her shooting him in the face point blank. That way, we won't have to listen to memories and shit all day, such as those presented for Mr. Benoit McDouchery.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'm thinking the Ufford sex tape might be a deal breaker for some.

Jordan Ginsberg said...

-Free test trial sample of new Glaxosmithkline anemia pill
-Matt Ufford sex tape


Know your base.

Pemulis said...

is purple jesus going to blow out his knee for our sins or just as like, a magic trick?

Upstate Underdog said...

Donte Whitner of the Bills already took Chad Johnson out, let's hope he reads KSK.

twoeightnine said...

I wanted to make a Casper/Caveman joke but couldn't find any good material...

But this is much better.

http://www.bigdogzink.com/images/S4020981.JPG

Unsilent Majority said...

A fucking Lincoln Navigator pins him right against the glass

Good thing the master pastry chef installed those SUV-resistant windowns

Upstate Underdog said...

Question, BDD: Are those 5 lottery scratch tickets the $1 variety or the high rolling $2, maybe even $5 variety ?

greg said...

is eli in the ufford sex tape?

Unsilent Majority said...

any denomination you'd like. just keep in mind that it's coming out of the 60 bucks.

greg said...

will from deadspin wants to know

Big Daddy Drew said...

Good thing the master pastry chef installed those SUV-resistant windowns

Jacques Torres leaves nothing to chance.

Bryan said...

The stay at Rancho Relaxo is only good if it includes free hang-gliding with Troy McClure.

Grimey said...

Robert Mathis had multiple shots, and he chose to tackle high. I hope he enjoys his Lady Byng Trophy... OH WAIT. Wrong sport.

deafjeff said...

I keep saying Losman is going to get him. Either that or Anthony Hargrove. Dude needs the $60 to make up for his suspension. Two weeks Sunday 8:15, Buffalo ends the streak, everything ends in Buffalo.

Russianator said...

All he needs to do is get caught making out with an olsen twin and let gisele collect the $60 - and while she's at it, she should should pull the goalie on brady as well.

SlideShow Bob said...

Is it ok if i use my 1990 Pontiac Bonnivile to do the job? or does it specifically hav to be a Lincoln.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Off topic:

Paging Ottoman: do I pick up Priest or Kolby Smith to replace LJ?

devang said...

Get the NYC cabbies involved. That might be the easiest way to maim the smug fuck. They'll do it for a lot less than $60

Pepster said...

I though Tara Reid was the goodie bag nowadays?!

J.L. White said...

Drew, if you think some mook from NYC is going to purposefully cripple a sports celebrity from Boston for nothing more than a wad a cash and the pure hate in his heart......then you are an excellent judge of character.

Three cheers of heinous assault!!!

Jackin'4Beats said...

If Purple Jesus can hear this...please spead the word to NFL defenders that Mr. Color Me Badd needs to get severely maimed.

If only Vick was still in the league, he could sick his bloodthirsty hell spawn on Pretty Boy up there. See that's what you get when you go after the dogfighting promoter.

And where the hell are my slappy titties?

Jordan Ginsberg said...

And where the hell are my slappy titties?

On your chest.

Bill Belichick said...

are the lottery tickets pre-scratched?Or perhaps valid from last year?

smurphette said...

what exactly distinguishes "slappy" titties from "non-slappy" ones?

Robert said...

Priest. He will definately be the goalline back as shown by last weeks dive in the endzone for 2 points. Also, experience wins this week. He seems healthy enough for a week or two.

Robert said...

Jones vs Wade is funny, but this shit?

Not by a long shot.

Keep it simple, stupid

Colonel Corn said...

Who is dressing Brady these days by the way? First a pageboy cap, then a black velvet blazer with a white pocket square? Christ.

SRV said...

"But don’t ask me to pay you in singles. Go to Pacman Jones for that shit."
I almost pissed myself laughing on that one....that is comedy gold brother.

Josh said...

I hear Jay Z would do it for Euros.

Joe Green said...

Screw Whitner, its all about week 12. Pats vs. Eagles, featuring the the scourge of QB knees everywhere, Kimo von Oelhoffen!!!!

Drizztdj said...

If there's any justice, Purple Jesus will run over AJ Hawk in Bo Jackson/The Boz fashion.

SKOL!

swing4 said...

Sultry pout, hoodie, and blazer? I feel like I've seen that look before....

Double K said...

I bet Shane Stant could use the work. Brady can roll around on the ground afterwards crying "why me?... why me?"