Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Kevin Everett Meast Of The Week – Week 9


This is old news, but I’d like to talk for a moment about Larry Craig, that one Senator who was busted in the airport for trying to score a quick layover motorboating. I don’t give a shit about the politics of Craig’s situation. What I care about is the fact that, in order to get laid, all Craig had to do is hop on the Internet, find a good “hot spot”, then walk into a shitter and tap his feet.

Are you fucking shitting me? That is AWESOME.

I wish I were gay.

Seriously, you gay men have it so easy, it makes me sick. I spent 20 long goddamn years trying to score with a girl before at last succeeding. And even then, it wasn’t all that great. (I blame her.)

But you, Dorothy, you can just stroll into a restroom or a local park, click your heels together, and PRESTO! A fresh cock is yours in no time. It’s like goddamn magic. We heterosexual men, we have to wine ladies, and dine ladies, and listen to them talk for hours on end about what a dick their LAST boyfriend was. And then maybe, just maybe, we get a reluctant blowjob. But you, Johnny Cakes, you don’t have to do any of that shit. You want a hot cock tonight? No problemo! You don’t even have to talk to other guy. He just strolls in, ready to bang. For free!

That is such bullshit.

We hetero gents have always dreamed of a day when women are just as horny and unselective about who they bang as we are. There are, of course, some women like that. But those women are sluts, okay? Totally undesirable. We heterosexual men need women who understand just how deep and depraved our libidos are, and are happy to indulge it. But you Just Jacks never have to worry about that. Your women ARE men! They totally get it! They’re into the latex thing! Is that worth suffering through a 100 Stonewalls? Fuck and yes.

So think about how blessed you are, gays of the world. You get more of the sex and none of the effort. You lucky bastards.

Your Meast of the Week is Matt Birk and the Vikings’ o-line.


On Sunday, they opened holes wider than Larry Craig’s bruised asshole, helping the Vikings tally almost 400 yards rushing. An incredible effort by Birk, Steve Hutchinson, Ryan Cook, and Anthony Herrera (but not Bryant McKinnie. He blows). And terribly exciting to behold. But it’s no Cock On Demand, I tell you.

19 comments:

Christmas Ape said...

The Meast is only supposed to be one man, and that man is James Harrison. He already shred enough purple-clad lineman this week.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Wonderful set up

Jackin'4Beats said...

Great segue from Larry Craig's bruised asshole to the gaping holes the MIN O-line opened up for PJ.

Just imagine how much tail LC would get if Birk and the boys were cock-blocking for him.

From the other side of town said...

BDD, I fear that posts in this direction leads to a dark stinky hole.

Shan said...

Just do what I do, lower every single standard you have. The pussy rolls in when you don't care what it looks like.

/apathy

the great bambi said...

@shan

that's how you end up with toothless trannies and once you've gone that far, hey, what's the difference between that and mangina...?


damn foot-tapping fairies and their easy scores...

smurphette said...

"it wasn’t all that great."

Yeah, well, she was faking it.

lost said...

on the flip, lesbians have to deal with two hormone-crazed overemotional lunatics in every relationship.

i feel really bad for them.



so i tip extra

Mike said...

Ape's right. I hate the Steelers, but Harrison's jersey should've just read "MEAST" on the back by the end of that game.

Steve H said...

@lost

amen

the great bambi said...

@ lost

but eventually their periods sync up and then they just splurge on ben and jerry's together once a month which becomes an emotional, bonding experience which makes their relationship stronger in the long run...or leads to angry sex

Five Pound Bag said...

Birk's the first Harvard man to be Meast of the Week since Teddy Roosevelt. Bully!

naptown drew said...

Yep, gotta go with Harrison...

Upstate Underdog said...

everybody know that the Senate has been gay for years. I also vote for Harrison because I have the Steeler defense on my fantasy team.

My Insignificant Life said...

Barney Frank approves of the selection.

Otto Man said...

After all the stories like Senator Wide Stance's in recent years, can we just assume that any right-wing political figure is secretly gay? It'd just save time.

Please note, that list is only the top five. There's a lot more there. The religious right leader who was found dead wearing two latex suits and a dildo up his ass didn't even make the cut.

swing4 said...

Is Mrs. Drew visiting her mother?

Ken Dynamo said...

i see those of us with wide stances will continue to suffer persecution wherever there is prejudice on the web.

Dusty said...

Laughing loudly @ swing4's question..It is duley noted that BDD didn't respond.