Friday, November 9, 2007

I'm Sorry, Tom Dempsey

I'm sorry, Tom Dempsey, that the 36th anniversary of your historic achievement yesterday received little to no mention in the intricate, obese web that is sports news. For it was you, good sir, that set the longest field goal in NFL history with a 63-yard money shot, o so long ago.

I'm also sorry, Tom Dempsey, that you booted yourself into the record books with only half of a kicking foot and no right hand. That's pretty cool, at least if you're cool with not being able to do the Pee Wee Herman dance. And limited options for masturbating. And forget about email. It reminds me of that one time I tried to eat a sandwich while I was wiping my ass on the shitter. Your whole life must have been like that. And even now, too; sorry, I forgot you were still alive.

And you probably took a lot of grief from people that couldn't handle the fact that you were different. I mean, look at Lance Armstrong now, he's missing parts and now he's dating half of that girl that was on Full House. I hope that you at least got to nail one of those twins on The Patty Duke Show.

I'm sorry that you are now forced to share this record with Jason Elam, a small, unpleasant person who has nothing better to do than hang out with Scrabble players and fantasize about Al-Qaeda. Never mind the fact that his kick came about on a lark at the end of the first half, through the thinnest of air on top of a mountain, while your drive for glory was a game-winner, below sea level, in the sweltering airborne filthiness that is southern Louisiana. Plus you did it against that guy on Webster.

I'm sorry, Tom Dempsey, that you took grief from people that said you did it with a loaded shoe, putting a stain on everything you accomplished. Just the attitudes of the day, I guess. I mean, people would never say that kind of thing about Lance Armstrong. If you did that today, you'd have your own color and people would be running 5Ks in your honor. Plus, you'd probably get to meet Hulk Hogan, like those kids that get cancer always do. I wish I had cancer.

I guess that's it. Tell Jim Abbott I said hi. I think he's pretty neat.

21 comments:

Peter Brown said...

Elam's was slightly longer.

And his kick was too.

PB

Unsilent Majority said...

instant classic.

Upstate Underdog said...

Working in a Jim Abbott reference does make this classic.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

In the sequal to M"onday Night Jihad," "Kickers & Cripples" Elam has his protagonist discover that Bin Laden is actually decended from Dempsey whose hand and foot were the mark of the "Demon" and that his hero must best his kick so that the forces of God and Freedom can prevail.

Russell K said...

I was wondering if The apologetic Brian Urlacher was gonna make another appearance. I kept looking for a new one when the Sex Cannon got benched, but no such luck.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

He would have been a more interesting story if he'd been a kick returner.

Spud Randall said...

Jim Abbot once hit a triple

Unsilent Majority said...

Jim Abbot once hit a triple

What can he say? Chicks dig the stump.

Jeremy said...

Sorry to go off-topic, but Simmmons just wrote the douchiest column I've ever seen. He whines about the officiating in a gmae his team won! He's just been added to the list of people I want to punch.

lost said...

jeremy- perhaps you didn't get a copy:

Dear Mr. Hobbs,

Sorry we forgot that 'face-guarding' is not a penalty in the NFL. Hope you enjoyed watching pink-dick Peyton win a super bowl, sucker.

Sincerely,
the lig


it's apparent that the Pats have fallen out of favor with the league and its refs since they adopted Pey-Pey as their Great you-know-the -rest. Simmons, twat that he is, can't cope.

mlmintampa said...

Jim Abbott pitched a no-hitter and was an Olympian.

Your move Dempsey.

Wormfather said...

...in other news. If, like me, you're on a diet and just realized that you ate too much at lunch and need to vomit...

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/071109&sportCat=nfl

You dont hav to thank me.

albaNY Hawker said...

I hope that you at least got to nail one of those twins on The Patty Duke Show.

CLASSIC!

Russell K said...

@wormfather

I hurled in about 2 minutes of reading. I know you said I didn't have to, but really, thank you. I feel much better now.

lost said...

worm, russell- simmons as ipecac. brilliant. nothing clears the sinuses like some hot stomach acid. I feel like i just walked out of a pemulis' movie marathon.


"still wearing my good luck Wes Welker jersey" - I feel like he put that in there just for KSK.

peytonloveskenny said...

That's pretty cool, at least if you're cool with not being able to do the Pee Wee Herman dance. And limited options for masturbating.

Wait, I thought masturbating was the Pee Wee Herman dance.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Fuck Simmons and fuck all of you sorry fucks that still read him.

We don't care.

lost said...

yeah, that was the first time i read his column in about a year. mostly because I feel the pats did get abused by the refs but don't want to risk repeating anything said by Sportsgay.

i don't even see the point in hating him anymore. his shit is so weak, it's like he's not even there.

having read that column, it's like he's conceding his inferiority to KSK. And TMQ scribbled in the margins of his King Mag "game over: simmons bitch-made"



wv: urnewb. no shit.

fallex said...

Plus you did it against that guy on Webster.

Not only that. The holder used Webster to line the thing up.

mamacita said...

Matt Bryant is still the meastiest.

Robocats said...

UGH, I couldn't even read that Simmons crap if I wanted. I got to the part about how he measures every real life game with poor officiating against "Victory" and my soul started to hurt. It was actually too excruciating to go on. I'm sure if I had fought through the pain, I'd throw up eventually, but chugging a bottle of ipecac would be more pleasant.