Monday, November 5, 2007

Rumbling, Bumbling, Bellyflopping, Cardiac Arresting


Short order cook Patrick Ramsey: Order number 92!

Shaun Rogers: Oooooh, that's mine!

[intercepts pass]

Shaun Rogers: What the fuck? Where're my caramelized onions? This creamed spinach has too much spinach. You call this cornbread? These sweet potato bacon strips got the extra fat stripped off. Man, I asked for double meat on this bitch! And they totally gypped me on the fries.

Boss Bailey: You need to take that shit back.

Shaun Rogers: Fuck yeah, I do.

Short order cook: Fine, you want that order corrected, you gotta take it all the way back to the kitchen.

WAY.

DOWN.

THERE.

Boss Bailey: Oh, shit. Kitchen's closing, man. You gotta run.

Shaun Rogers: Aw, fuck. Here I go. Ouf, I gotta a stitch in my side and I'm losing my freshness. Shouldn't have had that fourth helping of halftime pasta.


Boss Bailey: Gone 'head, man. Only 50 more yards to go.

Shaun Rogers: Oh, fuck. This is too much running. How far I gone? 35 yards? That's it? Now I know why Tatum Bell doesn't gain more than seven. This shit is hard.

Boss Bailey: You're almost there, man. Keep pumping those legs.

Shaun Rogers: Legs? What fucking legs? I ain't seen them shits in years. I thought I was like the genie in Aladdin and floated above a tapering blue nub. I don't go nowhere that's not within tromping distance.

Shaun Rogers: Fuck. Ooooh, God. I've got runner's high. I'm in the game Burgertime. I'm wearing a giant taupe and I'm spraying great big sausages with pepper. Why must I run from the sausages? I gotta run across this big patty so it drops down to the next level. Too many stairs.


Selvin Young: Hey, hey, buddy, not so fast, we're closed, you can't -- GAAACCCKKK

Shaun Rogers: LAY OFF ME! I'M STARVING!

[Shaun leaps through double kitchen doors]

Shaun Rogers: I would like to change my AAAAWWWWDDDDAAAAARRRR.

Shaun Rogers: Aww, I spilled it.

23 comments:

Pemulis said...

i'm willing to bet the oxygen mask he undoubtedly wore for like an hour after that run was bacon scented

Big Daddy Drew said...

Joe Cullen thinks Rogers was far too clothed during that run.

Pemulis said...

Peter King does not appreciate that joke. No one makes fun of Wendy's in front of him.

Jason said...

I would pay top dollar for a DVD of "fat linemen touchdown runs". I would put that shit on loop, and play it instead of the Yule Log.

Who's with me?

Also, this post is nothing without the following quote from the Replacements:

John Madden: I love to see a fat guy score.
Pat Summerall: Why?
John Madden: Because first you get a fat guy spike, then you get the fat guy dance.

Wormfather said...

Superior quality Ape.

Phony Gwynn said...

I may be in the minority here, but virtual hamburger-making is just about the dumbest fucking thing ever.

Grimey said...

Who the fuck talks shit about BurgerTime? What are you, 12?

Pemulis said...

he probably just sucked at it is all. I still talk shit about Mickey Mousecapade to make up for my insecurity about being awful at it :(

squishdeadfish said...

Anyone know what song that is?

Stitchface said...

Rogers... Rogers... Eye on the sammich!

Rogers! Heart's poundin'!

Rogers! Veins cloggin'!

ROGERS!

QueeferSuthrland said...

Ah Burgertime on the Intellivision, my first video game experience back when I was a young boy. Now I'm killing people by shoving crow bars through their faces by hand gestures in Manhunt 2.

God Bless video games.

Jeff K said...

That was hilarious. Burgertime rules. I had that on my IBM PC. Double floppies with no hard drive. Seriously old school.

Topped off with a MST3K "Mitchell" comment. Great job. Made my day.

Tracer Bullet said...

Fucking. Brilliant.

Otto Man said...

Topped off with a MST3K "Mitchell" comment.

Yeah, that was a thing of beauty. Unlike Joe Don Baker in that film.

TattooedMess(iah) said...

@squishdeadfish- it's the start of Yung Joc feat. Gorilla Zoe: Coffee Shop.

Russell K said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mamacita said...

To be fair, I think those socks add, like, ten pounds.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

possibly the most spectacular amalgamation of fat jokes ever

denvergodfather said...

Painfull and sad to remember but very funny

The Last Unitard said...

I didn't think the Noticeably F.A.T. could move like that.

lost said...

now i know why chappelle had to quit.

that fat albert shit-that shouldn't be funny

what next, spike the ball and run around in circles til he turn to butter? fuckin racism. can't live with it. can't live without it.

but fuckit, that shit was funny as hell. i'm still laughin


and if you can't tackle a tired fat man that's taller than you, you need to switch jobs. sit your ass inside the front doors to wal-mart. "HULL-O".

retarded motherfucker. when you see that ham hock with the five hot dogs sticking out of it, duck before you get bitch-made on national tv. got damn. didn't you play d- in high school, fool?

shit, though, i can't lie. that is a funny fucking post. i'ma go read it again. then go shoot some white people.


wv: vznemioz. venemous?

lost said...

btw, do they really make sweet p'tata bacon strips?

I, uh, I was just curious. you know.

um...

do they?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

There's definitely a BBQ near me where you can get sweet potato fries with toppings... including bacon... hmm that sounds like a plan for lunch now that I think about it...