Wednesday, November 7, 2007

I’m Old And Unhappy!


Those darn Patriots deserve an asterisk!… This shredded wheat isn't soggy enough yet!… Oh no, the tremors are back!… Why do all these kids today have walkie-talkies?… If my skin is brittle, it must be Tuesday… I wish they’d stop serving shrimp cocktail at my restaurant. We don’t know enough about the mysteries of the sea yet!… Where did I leave my shoes?… How come my grandchildren drink so much water? Kids today get far too much water!… When did colored folks get to ride in the front of the bus?… Why am I the only person in my neighborhood who still uses Ivory Soap Flakes?… Why can’t anyone remind me to buy a rubber mattress pad?!... They're out of key lime pie at Publix!... No one appreciates the beauty of a well-played cribbage match nowadays!

These Cubans listen to too much joyful music!… Did I change my shirt this week?… Why doesn’t anyone use fingerbowls anymore?!… I don’t care for television nowadays. That Dan Fielding on “Night Court” is far too lascivious for my taste!… Why do college kids need to study the history of the Chinaman?… Why isn’t the T formation used more?… How do I program this darn VCR?!… Why can't I find a decent sleeping cap at Nordstrom's?!... The moon is God’s eye watching me at night!… Peter King is hilarious and insightful!… Sunscreen is a hoax!… I’m not paying for any two-ply toilet tissue! That’s overindulgent!… Why don’t they make men like Teddy Roosevelt anymore?!

I don't trust those Russkies!

Everything in my house smells like old cornbread!… Kids today marry far too often for love!… Kids today can’t coach! I know because I have two of them!… I don’t trust computers ever since I saw that movie “Electric Dreams”. It could fall in love with my Mrs.!… We’re out of Crème de Menthe, Delores!… Why is everything drooping?… Real men smoke!… Mattresses are for coddlers!… There’s a very elaborate puppet show going on in this black box marked Sony in my room!… Homosexuals are walking about freely now!… Fantasy football? That’s for slow kids and invalids!… How come no one likes horse racing anymore?… One day, the Philippines will be ours again!… It’s not a fridge. It’s an icebox, god dammit!… This butter comes in sticks!… Who’s this Spielberg character?…

It too bright in here!!!!!!

44 comments:

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Oh my fucking God.

Upstate Underdog said...

"I can't find Matlock on the t.v. box."

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

That's not a clock - it doesn't have any arms.

Unsilent Majority said...

We’re out of Crème de Menthe, Delores

Hey Don, your wife's name is actually Mulva.

samsquantch said...

Wait, there's a NEW Mexico now?

An Electric Dreams reference? My word Drew, you scare me with your genius sometimes. That said Virginia Madsen turned my floppy disk into a hard drive in that movie. When I was 12.

Hustler of Culture said...

Time to write my letter to the sickos at Modern Bride...

Why does it smell like shit everywhere I go....

nicker66 said...

YESSSSSS

"They're out of key lime pie at Publix!"

^Excellent Florida knowledge

Pemulis said...

i bet he wears crocs with socks on

Christmas Ape said...

Can someone show me how to sign onto the e-mail?

Jackin'4Beats said...

Why do I have to wear this god-damned diaper and who the hell put these broads on TV?

BRILLIANCE!

naptown drew said...

Why won't these boner pills work for me?!

Camp Tiger Claw said...

You can never have too many themed ashtrays!... Thanks Swanson, but I'll eat my dinner at the table like a normal person!... Spiro Agnew got a raw deal!

Chopper Dave said...

Iced...cream?

Camp Tiger Claw said...

Since when are they say allowed to say 'hell' on A&E?

StuScottBooyahs said...

Rap? More like CRAP!

SDW said...

@ pemulis:
They're called "Scrocks."

Ketchup... cat-sup... ketchup... cat-sup... ketchup... cat-sup...

naptown drew said...

Why isn't Magic Johnson dead yet?

Kolja said...

Peter King is hilarious and insightful!

Truly, senility must be AWFUL.

MicroscopicElvis said...

Goddammit Drew. I realize this proves I have the maturity of an eight year old, but you outdid yourself on that one. that was hilarious. Thanks for ruining ever single Thanksgiving conversation with a relative from now on.

From the other side of town said...

What's with this Internet? You want news you read the Herald, you want to spank it you open a Playboy, anything more and you're probably some kind of deviate.

jforks said...

why don't they show news updates before cinema shows anymore? and when did a ticket get more expensive than a nice dinner for me and my wife?

ben said...

I'll be deep in the cold cold ground before I recognize Missourah.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Shula, I'd kick your ass in a game of cribbage.

bring it fucker.

Mike said...

Microwave? Never heard of one! What the hell does it do?!

Crazy Little Thing said...

Absolutely. Fucking. Hilarious.

My wife: Why do you keep giggling?

Me: I'm sorry.

devang said...

At least I won the Superbowl with Unitas.

Dusty said...

For the love of Kush..that was well done BDD. I think I hurt myself laughing whilst reading it.

Robert said...

Imagine you are Brady, Vrabel or Bruschi. Or Seymour, Harrison or Brown. Or Samuel, Warren, or a crazy number of others, and your accomplishments are being attacked. Everything you went through, every yard, is getting pissed upon.

Oh, pray for those remaining, the Ravens, Dolphins and Steelers (oh my!)

Pray for them.

It's gonna be ugly.

Munjal Munshi said...

Oh my god... I have the same watch as Shula...

swing4 said...

Why do people honk so much on the freeway?

TDizzle said...

Drew

That was hilarious especially the part about fantasy football being for slow kids and invalids. Keep up the good work!

honkbopsax said...

Why does this entire thing read like a Larry King transcript of a chat with...well...just about any of his guests?

Jason said...

It's a crying shame that no one asks me about my grandchildren... What's the bumper sticker for, then?

VERY nice work. Now go get me my Sanka.

Ken Dynamo said...

im so old, jesus fucking christ was my camp counselor

HadesGigas said...

Hey Marino, am I supposed to eat all of this Nutrisystem stuff?

Howie Feltersnatch said...

@ Devang

Johnny Unitas. Now there's a haircut you can set your watch to

Foxxy Brown said...

@ Jason -

and i want table cream, dammit. not that vanillamerettomocha shit those kids use. when i was coming up we had to squeeze cow tits to get cream for our coffee. and we liked it!

Phony Gwynn said...

Seriously, Drew, leave cribbage alone.

Euchre, on the other hand...

Jason said...

@ foxxy- that's right. Whole fucking milk, is that too much to ask?

lost said...

I was gettin' scared. I'm right there with him on shredded wheat, Russkies, and Fantasy Fball.

But the combination of 'foxxy brown' and "squeeze...tits" should keep the blue pills away for another day.

miamidiesel said...

@robert: This post is great. You are still a douchebag. It's too bad you don't have cystic fibrosis.

Drizztdj said...

GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

LargeBill said...

Just remember kiddos you'll all reach that age in a few years where the next generation looks at YOU as old and dated. There will be a moment when you look at some stupid new electronic gadget and be irritated and wonder if that idiot knows how lame it is. For me that moment comes every time I see some idiot talking with a Blue Tooth. Use the damn thing in your car not when you're walking around. Just makes you look like an idiot talking loudly to himself.

Jelly B. Good said...

"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh ya. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because if the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."