Tuesday, November 20, 2007

KSK Gamebook: Broncos/Titans


NOTE: This post was written by Captain Caveman, who is currently stuck at Panera Bread and must abide by their draconian firewalls, which do not allow him to post on Blogger. Nevertheless, our man Ufford is willing to make great sacrifices for a good slice of Asiago ciabatta.

I’m spending the week with my sister and her husband in southern Maryland. It’s nice here: lots of trees, and I get to spend a lot of time with my niece. Other than that, it’s hard to find nice things to say about the area. We’re at least an hour and a half from the nearest train station/airport/urban center, and getting a wireless signal is goddamn next to impossible. And my sister has two cats. I’m allergic to cats. Every time I visit it’s a non-stop search for the right cocktail of antihistamines that allow me to breathe without feeling like someone’s sitting on my chest. Fucking sweet. Anyway, I watched most of the game last night.

- I tune in at 9:00 p.m., just after the Stokley catch-and-run TD. The Broncos’ Glenn Martinez gets sprung by a monster block by the Jamie Winborn that actually takes out two Titans. It’s great to see Hispanics making it in the NFL. All those Spanish telecasts are really paying off.

- An all-new Grey’s Anatomy event! Thursday on ABC! There’s an ambulance crash, or something! Not shown: estrogen-fueled blubbering.

- “Sam Adams the player, not the beer I should point out.” – Tony Kornheiser. Nice one, TK. I made that joke in 1994 when the Seahawks drafted him. I was in high school.

- Bo Scaife: definitely the name of an American Idol contestant.

- I stop by the living room where my sister and brother-in-law are watching television. “Is this Two and a Half Men?” I ask, incredulous. “Dancing with the Stars went to commercial,” they reply. Oh, well now it makes sense.

- End of first half – Shanny attempts the infamous clock block timeout. Bironas misses the first attempt, then makes the second. Fuck you, Shanahan.

- Halftime has the “Fastest 3 Minutes in Football.” What’s the fucking rush? How about a nice, leisurely ten minutes of highlights? This goes for you, too, Sunday Night Football. If I wanted to watch people flap their cockholsters I would have gone to law school. So just shut your fucking mouths and play the highlights.

- A lot of people really don’t like Kornheiser in the MNF booth. I’ll admit he’s not perfect, but Jesus Christ: remember Joe Theismann? Remember Theismann with Mike Patrick? Mike Patrick makes Tony Siragusa look like William Safire. I refuse to file an official complaint about Jaws and Tirico with TK.

- A VY pass deep down the seam goes straight through Bo Scaife’s hands and hits him in the face before falling incomplete, at least the third crucial drop of the night. It’s like Seahawks-era Joey Galloway, Koren Robinson, and Jerramy Stevens have reunited in Titans jerseys tonight.

- Martinez fumbled punt + short field + VY TD after review = 27-17 Broncs. I leave to walk my dog.

- End of the 3rd quarter. Despite an early evening Claritin, I’m still laboring to breathe like Big Daddy Drew on an elliptical machine, so I take a mild “Anna Nicole Kennedy”: NyQuil flu gel-caps chased by whiskey. I don’t have much interest in seeing how the game ends anyway.

- Who is Andre Hall, and why did he just run for a 62-yard touchdown? If there were Wi-Fi in this godforsaken house, I could pick him up for my fantasy team, where he could do nothing at all in the coming weeks. Damn you, Shanahan!

- The Broncos have the ball at midfield with a two-touchdown lead at home with ten minutes remaining. The Titans could come back… but they won’t. I’m going to bed.

18 comments:

Undead Zombie Horde said...

"cockholsters"

HA!

Crazy Little Thing said...

"I’m still laboring to breathe like Big Daddy Drew on an elliptical machine"

That would work if I could imagine BDD even getting on an elliptical machine. (Or if I could even imagine myself getting on one.)

Big Daddy Drew said...

5 days a week, bitch.

smurphette said...

There are no words in the English language that adequately convey the depth of my loathing for Grey's Anatomy. And your point about cockholsters/law school is dead on.

quiet strength said...

What's an elliptical machine? Does it help with seizures or something?

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Even though he was inactive for the game Haynesworth was still doing the lords work. He apparently curb stomped pacman's ass this weekend.

JAMMQ said...

I miss the days of daily posts by CC . . .

(sigh)

He said cockholdsters.

chuckle chuckle chuckle

Crazy Little Thing said...

BDD, since when have weeks been 14 days long? And that's Mr. Bitch, thank you very much.

(Sneezes ranch dressing.)

Gourmet Spud said...

I get stuffed up just reading about cat allergies. I do find it helps if you shave them bald, though.

SDW said...

Yes sir, I reckon I loves me a shaved pussy.

smurphette said...

Looks like Simmons got a little jealous of Drew's NPR shout-out, felt compelled to one-up him with a little air time:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16435524

Phony Gwynn said...

Isn't the fat little shit on "Two and a Half Men" like 5'6", 160? Shouldn't it be "Two Cumdumpsters and a Virgin"?

Jackin'4Beats said...

5 days a week, bitch

With a Schlitz in one hand and a roast beef sandwich in the other.

Oh yeah...

Jackin'4Beats said...

God that fucktard really does sound like a Massengill. Dickwad.

AND NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT WHAT PATRIOTS FANS FEEL.

mamacita said...

If only you knew someone in Maryland with a high-speed connection....

Anyway, BDD is right to keep you away from his daughter.

mamacita said...

elliptical machine = place to practice ice skating. KSK is entering CC and Drew in the Gay Winter Olympics.

Jason said...

o damn is that fallsgrove?

twoeightnine said...

Damn Drew, that was your best work. You sounded just like Ufford.