Thursday, November 29, 2007

Gunslinger vs. Young Grinner. WHO YA GOT?














Tonight is the NFC's low-rent answer to the Patriots and Colts. How low-rent? Half the fucking country, including this writer, can't watch it because it's on the NFL Network. So, thanks again, Comcast for giving me an Ice Bowl-worthy Icy Mike and raising my rates. At the very least, I'll miss three hours of announcer fluffing for Brett Farve and Tony Romo. One foolproof way to keep up with the score for tonight's contest is to crack a window and listen for Peter King orgasmic cries. A clue: the ones for Favre are in a slightly lower register. Anyway, Who Ya Got?

Contestants

Brett Favre_________________Tony Romo

Current Story Arc

Better than EVAH?______________Smiles, though his heart his aching

Sesame Street character

Prarie Dawn_______________Guy Smiley

New BFF

Media that has clearly always disdained him_____Terrell Owens, Sophia Bush

Spends free time

Voting for Mr. Splashy Pants________perfecting Romo Mind Tricks

Finishing move

Only PK and Mr. Hat know for sure________________Chasing the dragon


31 comments:

capitolG said...

NFL Network! NFL Network! Its now come to pay per view for football!? Heading down slippery slope that made boxing the mess is is today. Dallas by a rainbow 3 at the buzzer.

jmorrisking said...

Am I the only one who thinks that Romo should be playing a damn banjo in that picture..

Big Daddy Drew said...

MY BOY ROMO IS A GODDAMN STAR!!!!!

Matt said...

Good to see Ape's an equal opportunity hater.

Barry said...

dude, i cant beleive your into icy mikes

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Product placement? Whaaaa?

naptown drew said...

I don't get it. I have Comcast and the NFL Network was available as part of a "Sports Package" of channels so I(being the big fat sucker I am) bought it at the beginning of the season. Is it not available in all Comcast markets or is it only in superior metropolitan areas such as Indianapolis?

Also, the Urban Dictionary is not clear as to the bodily waste used to concoct an "Icy Mike." Is it piss, or is it shit? I have friends coming over for the game so I need to know!

Ken Dynamo said...

still, you gotta respect romo. he could have man in the state of texas that he wants.

by the way, urban dictionary is unclear. is it piss or shit that is frozen in the condom? i feel like diarrhea should be an acceptable substitute as well.

Ken Dynamo said...

wtf, now i look like i jerk. thanks naptown drew. ass.

Barry said...

Will piss freeze if it's made up almost entirely of grain alcohol?

Gourmet Spud said...

Favre. He overcame a painkiller addiction and his wife's BC.

The worst thing Romo has ever overcome is a fumbled snap and blueballs.

The Last Unitard said...

Does this mean my frozen condom full of semen is not an icy mike? What the fuck is it, then?

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

I will now start calling my roommate, "Icy" Mike in hopes that he one day Googles it at work and gets reprimanded.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

@the last unitard - It's called a "Lambeau Dildo"

Jackin'4Beats said...

Now, now Ape. Just beacuse the once mighty and Powerful Stillers could only muster 3 points against a winless team at home on a lake doesn't mean you can hate...

Oh and I'll take Romo with a TD to OWENS! OWENS!! OWENS!!! HE CAUGHT IT! HE CAUGHT IT!! HE CAUGHT IT!!! to beat the Packers again.

You also forgot to mention that Romo likes to titty fuck Jessica Simpson with her Dad watching just for kicks.

YEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW I AM FUCKIN' CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

fallex said...

Because I can't comment on Deadspin:
-What's that?
-Fifteen overcharged ounces
of pure, uncompounded isopropyl butane monosulfate. When combined with oxygen and a little heat, it will cause a rapid expansion.

Christmas Ape said...

I didn't create the Fuck Dallas and FUCK BRETT FAVRE tags.

But, yeah, fuck Dallas and fuck Brett Favre.

Phony Gwynn said...

Proving once again that black dudes are cooler than white dudes: brother gets the sweet axe.

ac said...

God, when I look at Romo, I get "Party All the Time" in my head...Fuck you, Romo

Jackin'4Beats said...

Also can't post on Deadspin...what's the problem with that site? Is it only compatible with Firefox or something?

Anyway, can someone research this Sopcast (www.sopcast.org) thing? If it works, then I be watchin' de game tonight!

Slash said...

A local (Dallas) broadcast station is carrying the game, they were yapping about it nonstop this morning. That and the fact that Romo is supposedly dating Jessica Simpson. He could do much better.

RE "Its now come to pay per view for football!?"

Yeah, that's where it's going. Get used to it.

Pemulis said...

dallas by a smile

smurphette said...

@pemulis: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little/choked on it from laughing.

Matt said...

Jackin, you probably saw my comment on Deadspin about Sopcast...(this is Afino on Deadspin)

Sopcast works. Pretty well in fact, just download the player and search for the game. People stream the game from their own TV feeds directly to yours (with pretty good quality)

I'm surprised more people haven't been talking about it this week.

Jackin'4Beats said...

@matt: Yes, I did see your post. If that is the case and it doesn't blow up my computer like Kazaaaaaaaa used to, then I will be trying out this Sopcast technology tonight. I will thank you in advance for your wisdom and insights.

/stands up slowly and claps, then runs out of the office.

Jackin'4Beats said...

@pemulis: You funny bastard. I'll take that win as long as it's not a Rachael Ray JOKER smile.

Punch Rockgroin said...

Everyone come over to my house - watch it on my 42 inch Sony HDTV in all of its 1920x1080i glory! Get your jollies by listening to Bryant Gumbel in 5.1 Surround Sound! The reason why I pay an extra 5 bucks a month!

By everyone I mean no fat chicks. BYOBB. Grass, Gas, or Ass. No one rides for free.

Russell K said...

I'm watching NFL Network right now, they're doing the pregame and whatnot. So far, I've noticed the following.

Warren Sapp just said "aks" instead of "ask" in a commercial for NFL Network.

Those Joe's Diners commercials make me think of Pats fans. Which makes me angry.

Deion used the word "idolize" to describe Romo's man love for Favre, despite whatever evidence there was to the contrary.

It seems to me as if Steve Mariucci has a very one-way relationship with Favre, where Mariucci thinks they're like soulmates and Favre looks at Mariucci as just one of his old coaches.

Pack by 10, Romo chokes on the big stage again.

smurphette said...

Cris Collinsworth (2nd Qtr): "DeMarcus Ware, what a tool he is!"

Bryant Gumbel still commentates like he was just born 5 minutes ago and is unfamiliar with this "football" that they play down on the "field."

Jackin'4Beats said...

Smiles WINS!!!!

lost said...

"DeMarcus Ware, what a tool he is!"

I thought I heard Collinsworth say 'has'...