Thursday, November 8, 2007

Whoa, whoa, were you going to flush that???

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is scrambling to add a new street drug to the league's banned substance list. Players, anxious for a powerful high that cannot be detected by current testing procedures, have turned to “jenkem”-- also known as “butthash”-- a methane based concoction manufactured from fermented human waste.

The issue first came to the commissioner's attention earlier this season when fans were told they were not “allowed” to flush the toilets in the restrooms at Pittsburgh's Heinz Field. Sources close to league security have confirmed that the restrooms were in fact sophisticated jenkem laboratories. While the creator of the labs is unknown, addiction experts at Johns Hopkins university have found a correlation between accident related head trauma and the inexplicable urge to get high off your own dookie.

The big break in the league's inquiry came recently when a prominent, but as yet unnamed, Philadelphia family, was discovered to be the league's primary distributor of jenkem. Not satisfied with the quality of their own excrement, members of the family were making frequent trips to the west coast and breaking into the restrooms in the Qwest Field locker room. Commented one recovering jenkem addict, “Man, that Holmgren doo-doo will get you high as fuck! That muthafucker must be eatin' straight up roadkill.”

“Man, last thing I remember was hitting that butthash a couple times. Next thing I know, we are dressed like the fucking Osmonds and sacrificing Pokey to appease the godking Ba'al.”


25 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

Whatever happened to just drinking lots of cough syrup or sniffing glue ? kids these days....

Ben said...

Blocking the dog's eyes too, Flubby?

Fucking brilliant.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

I don't know what just happened.

devang said...

Right during lunch hour. Thanks Flub.

Upstate Underdog said...

anyone else notice Reid's kid on the left flipping the bird ? I'd do drugs too if my parents made me take a family picture in matching pajamas.

Les Savy Ferd said...

this can't actually be real. people don't synthesize drugs from their own excrement... do they? But, its like, your own doo-doo. gross.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Totally pushing this at my Christmas party. I'll save a fortune on nose candy. Plus, it's interactive fun for my guests to enjoy! Kind of like make-your-own-tacos, except you're inhaling your own fecal matter. So not really that different, in fact.

mamacita said...

Is there Tupperware involved, by any chance?

devang said...

Well played Mamacita.

Big Daddy Drew said...

My towels now have a street value of $100.

Big Daddy Drew said...

If this actually existed, surely it would have been the main form of prison currency by now.

flubby said...

No doubt, Drew. Right this moment, I'm smuggling some uncut jenkem in my colon.

devang said...

I just had some broccoli and cheese for lunch. Jackpot!!

Jackin'4Beats said...

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I've got nothing to add here.

The Last Unitard said...

And I've been smoking it all this time.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'm going to call this stuff "hobo construda"

J.L. White said...

Mike Holmgren's jenkem is so potent, it climbs out of the toilet and convinces the coaching staff to keep giving the ball to Shaun Alexander.

naptown drew said...

Najah Davenport will break into your house and start his own jenkem lab.

smurphette said...

@upstate underdog: magnificent

Upstate Underdog said...

thanks smurphette

jmorrisking said...

I can just imagine now how Jerry Jones will approach this with Slap Titties..."Boy stop huffing your own Hickory Farms log and give the ball to Barber damnit"

Brando said...

I'm going to turn the Taco Bell dollar menu into my own Roth IRA.

lost said...

@uu- it's not like we even know what 'construda' is...

Upstate Underdog said...

@lost, even more reason to nickname that stuff "hobo construda"

lost said...

uu- i'm saying drop the 'hobo'