Whoa, whoa, were you going to flush that???

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is scrambling to add a new street drug to the league's banned substance list. Players, anxious for a powerful high that cannot be detected by current testing procedures, have turned to “jenkem”-- also known as “butthash”-- a methane based concoction manufactured from fermented human waste.

The issue first came to the commissioner's attention earlier this season when fans were told they were not “allowed” to flush the toilets in the restrooms at Pittsburgh's Heinz Field. Sources close to league security have confirmed that the restrooms were in fact sophisticated jenkem laboratories. While the creator of the labs is unknown, addiction experts at Johns Hopkins university have found a correlation between accident related head trauma and the inexplicable urge to get high off your own dookie.

The big break in the league's inquiry came recently when a prominent, but as yet unnamed, Philadelphia family, was discovered to be the league's primary distributor of jenkem. Not satisfied with the quality of their own excrement, members of the family were making frequent trips to the west coast and breaking into the restrooms in the Qwest Field locker room. Commented one recovering jenkem addict, “Man, that Holmgren doo-doo will get you high as fuck! That muthafucker must be eatin' straight up roadkill.”

“Man, last thing I remember was hitting that butthash a couple times. Next thing I know, we are dressed like the fucking Osmonds and sacrificing Pokey to appease the godking Ba'al.”