Wade: Well, that was a real nice bye week. Finally, a chance to get a little R&R. Spend some time with the family. See the kids. Wrangle some lovin’ from the Mrs. Get away from that crazy asshole. Yep, I reckon I earned a day off or two. Guess I better start gameplanning for those pesky Eagles. Let me just check these internal team memos before I get started. Let’s see: Oh, they’ve added brisket to Tuesday’s lunch menu. That sounds darn good. What’s this other memo? Press release?
“FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Dallas Cowboys are proud to announce that they have signed quarterback Tony Romo to a contract extension.”
(door flies open)
Jones: YEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!!!!! THIRTY MILLION GODDAMN DOLLARS, YOU BIG FAT COCKSUCKER!!!!!
Wade: Oh, God. I had nearly forgotten about him.
Jones: Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was goddamn STAR?! Didn’t I?!
Wade: I guess.
Jones: You’re goddamn right I did, you fat, oozing mound of pigshit! And now I’m giving him the money to back it up! $30 million! That’s ten, twenty, THIRTYMILLIONGODDAMNDOLLARS! What do you think a that, Chesty Morgan?
Wade: What do I think of it?
Jones: Yeah! Pretty impressive pile of money. Eh, Minnesota Fats?
Wade: I guess.
Jones: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT IS!!!!! WAHOOOOOOO!!!! When Double-J sees something he likes, he keeps it FOREVER! I tell you what, Blobby, the only thing that feels better than getting $30 million is knowing you have the “fuck you” cash to give it away to someone else! That’s POWER! Sweet, delicious POWER! Goddamn, I love power more than I love fucking my housekeeper in the ass!
Wade: Whatever you say, sir.
Jones: You know, Snuffleupagus, I’ve been thinking. We’re 6-1, and you’ve done all right for a guy who has a stroke walking up a handicapped ramp. I’m thinking maybe you need a little salary increase yourself.
Jones: Nah, just jerkin’ your lariat. YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ SHIT, MABEL!
Jones: In fact, I’m gonna need to start pulling more of your weight around here, Florida Evans. And given that you’re the size of floating shit barge, pullin’ your weight’s gonna be quite a task!
Wade: Well, what do I have to do?
Jones: One word, Dumptruck: Branding! I just signed an endorsement mega-deal with Diet Pepsi Max, and you’re included in the signage!
Wade: Didn’t we already do an ad for that?
Jones: Yeah, but now we’re gonna a shitload more! It’s gonna be a whole series! I’ll be Jake, and you’ll be the Fatman.
Wade: I don’t wanna be the Fatman.
Jones: Tough shit. You’re fat, so you’re acting fat. I just paid ROMO $30 million. I gotta make that shit back somewhere. This Diet Pepsi Max deal is just what ol’ Double-J needed! It’s like regular Diet Pepsi, only with more PASSION! More FIRE! More JERRY! That ginseng stuff ain’t just for Oregon faggots, you know. That shit gives me some extra fucking energy! Energy I need to pistol whip staffers, fishhook call girls, and chew out my pilot! And, looking at you, a little bit of DIET Pepsi could do your fat loins some good. I bet your thighs chafe when you take two steps down the street!
Jones: Good! I’m glad you’re on board with my plan, Tubbalicious. Now, I want you to wear this Diet Pepsi Max shirt.
Jones: And this Diet Pepsi Max visor.
Jones: And this Diet Pepsi Max medallion.
Billboard Painter: Someone call me to paint a Diet Pepsi Max billboard?
Jones: Over here, Dutch Boy. I want you painting that logo right across Free Willy’s backside here.
Wade: Whoa, hold on a cotton picking minute. He’s not painting my ass.
Jones: Get real, Bertha! You think Pepsi’s gonna pay $30 million without me giving them the biggest piece of real estate I got? We’re painting that logo on your ass and you’re gonna like it!
Billboard Painter: I’m gonna need more paint than what I have in the van. This is a three-coat job, minimum.
Jones: Buy it all, my man! And make sure it’s oil-based! Ol’ Porky here can take a shit that’ll make latex paint peel off the goddamn walls. Now drop ‘em, Fatty!
Wade: This sucks.
Jones: WOO HOO FUCK YEAH HOLY DIET PEPSI MAX I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!