Monday, November 26, 2007

Sean Taylor Done Got Shot

Redskins safety Sean Taylor was shot in his Miami home late last night. PFT is reporting that Taylor "is fighting for his life," which means that Taylor is either fighting for his life or that the bullet harmlessly grazed him.

We remind our readers on this dark day that Taylor is the original Meast, and we here pray that his man-beasty constitution and Miami's finest doctors are enough to survive whatever damage is done. We don't want to have to name the weekly Meast award in memoriam after the actual Meast. That would be kind of depressing.

UPDATE: Taylor is listed in critical condition.

UPDATE #2: Taylor is reportedly in a coma following surgery. Yikes.

32 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

Another senseless ATV-jackin'.

Christmas Ape said...

Perhaps it was Clinton Portis.

He murdered me on Sunday too.

Unsilent Majority said...

I hope Mike Sellers finds these guys and eats them.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Was Devin Hester anywhere nearby?

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

@BDD - The police have enlisted the help of the Denver Broncos - he is not expected to be located.

Mike said...

What a downer. Be more funny!

Seriously, though, hope he's OK.

quiet strength said...

Police suspect that the gunshot was self-inflicted. Since he was injured and unable to lose any fumbles for his team, he literally attempted to shoot himself in the foot.

Illegal Immigrant said...

I'm sick to my stomach right now.

All I can do is pray he recovers fully and becomes the 50 Cent of the NFL.

Seriously, how scared would you be of a hard-hitting safety that survived being shot?

Christmas Ape said...

Apparently, the Buccaneers REALLY wanted revenge for getting spat on.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I hope he's all right.

I'm just glad Joe Gibbs isn't his doctor, because Gibbs would have to consult with 500 other doctors before making a diagnosis.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"we here pray that his man-beasty constitution and Miami's finest doctors are enough to survive whatever damage is done. "

let's REALLY hope his man-beasty constitution is enough to survive. If he has to rely on Miami's medical care, odds are strong that there will be black patches on the 'Skins' uniforms this season.

quiet strength said...

Those early reports were saying he was shot in the leg - how would he be in critical condition from a shot in the leg, especially considering he is the patriarch meast? Or does every early report contain at least one obligatory factual error?

Illegal Immigrant said...

@quiet strength

I'm no medical expert (the exact opposite, actually) but I've seen enough war movies to know we have very critical arteries in legs that, if ruptured or shot, could lead so some serious bleeding and/or death.

Also, if you got shot in the groin, wouldn't you call yourself in critical condition?

Rob I said...

I cut my pinky the other day while shaving. I almost passed out. I can't even imagine blood gushing from my inner fucking thigh. Even if the EMT stopped the bleeding, my cause of death would be "total fucking pussy".

NeverNude said...

Does this mean when his injury report comes up he will be out with a "groin" or "Gunshot wound"?

Pemulis said...

no, they would just say "out with a gunshot"

Awful Chief said...

Hopefully he will recover in time for the next Easterns Motors training camp.

My Insignificant Life said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
My Insignificant Life said...

Is "out with a gunshot" probable, doubtful or out on the injury listing?

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Belichick wouldn't even have him on the injury report until Saturday because there are so many variables.

ben said...

He's apparently stabilizing, though still critical.

Whoever shot him better look out. Taylor has been known to target specific receivers for vengeance. I can't imagine this would be any different, except ending with him ripping the entrails out of the attempted assassin and feasting on them.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

The bullet hit him in the thigh and partially severed his femoral artery. Worse case scenario is that a human can bleed out within seconds in certain circumstances. The dude is balls tough to survive that.


HAIL TO THE MEAST!

My Insignificant Life said...

I hope that they have the right guy investigating this.....someone like....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948

Elizabeth the Conqueror said...

What's the source for the coma thing?

Jackin'4Beats said...

I read that his lawyer said that he emerged from surgery better and would likely live...

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/breaking_news/story/320910.html

SlideShow Bob said...

Theres a joke somewhere here about defending against the shotgun, but im a lil to drunnk to figure it out.

Dusty said...

Thank you for this post CC..I don't have any cheap jokes to toss out..its just a damn fucking shame when anyone gets capped for no apparent reason.

Mountain_Man said...

Karma is a bitch.

Tracer Bullet said...

He got shot in the crotch and his girlfriend called 9-11? Oh, yeah. That bitch did it.

Unsilent Majority said...

Karma is a bitch.

moron

NeverNude said...

Now that Taylor has passed (all comedy aside, this is unfortunate) and he has successfully trumped Everett for "tragedy of the year", can we now make fun of Everett?

TheNaturalMevs said...

moron




.... you're the one's joking about it....

rigggggght.