Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I Want You, Tom. I Want You NOW

Tom, seven touchdown in seven possessions. How do you guys seemingly score at will?

(bats eyelashes)

You only won by 46, Tom! What kind of humble pie is Belichick gonna serve up now? Huh?

(playful tap)


(pulls Tom in and whispers)

I want you, Tom. I want you NOW. After the game, I want you to meet me at the Residence Inn, and go to Room 301. And once you’re in there, I want you to throw me down and bang me like a man just coming out of the desert. I'm begging you. Hunt this MILF. Let me be your weigh station, baby. Your fuck stop.

Just do the nastiest shit to me that you can possibly think of. Nothing is off limits, Tom. NOTHING. If you want to beat me with a wire whisk, that’s fine. I’m 3’9”. Want to toss me like a dwarf around the room? You got it. Fucking hold a pistol to my head if you want. Fuck, bring Mankins in. I don’t care. Just be sure to big that big, luscious Michigan Wolverine in your pants with you. I want that cock, and I’m not stopping until I get it. Treat me like Belichick treats the media, baby. I don't mind playing rough.

Yeah, I know you have a girlfriend. I’m not here to mess that up. She’s gorgeous and rich and smart and all that shit. I get it. Baby, I’m not here to be some sort of homewrecker. I just want the cock. That’s all. I’m a mature woman. I know how to handle this type of shit with discretion. You don’t have to give me your number, or your email address or anything. Just serve it up in me and hit the showers, Champ.

It can be our little secret. I won’t tell a soul that you treated me like Mike Tyson treats a stray cat. Just think of it as an arrangement. Maybe we can get together every few weeks or so. And you can hollow me out like a chocolate Easter bunny. We can even agree to a "no talking" thing, if you want. I have a similar deal with McNabb.

But please. Just give it to me. It’s lonely out on the road. See you in Room 301, sweetheart.

NOTE: Peep this video from Zubaz Pants.


devang said...

Want to toss me like a dwarf around the room? You got it. Fuck, bring Mankins in if you want.

I just pissed my pants a little with that line. Between pig-malion and this one, BDD's on fieyaaah!!

Chamomiles Davis said...

Looks like the beginnings of a man-man-lady threesome.

The Last Unitard said...

I think it moved a little just now.

peter king crowned my ass said...

I'd hit it.

Brady, not Andrea. God, no.

BobbyStompy said...

That Mankins line is off the charts. I've never commented here before, and it was enough to get me to make one.

Gourmet Spud said...

"Oh yeah, last thing - bring your black friend."

Wormfather said...

Read that whole post without even looking at the video. As such I thought you were writing in the first person, all the while waiting for you to get to a punch line that never came.

Thank god there was a video.

Gourmet Spud said...


In other words, same joke BDD and Chamomiles made, but later and less funny.

SDW said...

@peter king

I'd hit Kremer.

With my car. Does that count?

smurphette said...

"hollow me out like a chocolate Easter bunny"


Jackin'4Beats said...

Someone's definitely been shootin' up with Blue Magic today. Nicely done BDD, nicely done.

JAMMQ said...

Ok. See you next Sunday, thank you.

(bats eyelashes, lingers for a moment)

Holy. Shit.

Mike said...

"I want that cock, and I’m not stopping until I get it."

That had to be awkward to actually type out.

mozz said...

you'd think so

Andrew said...

Best part of that entire video? Tom Brady's reaction directly after.
Great use of nonverbal communication there Tom.

Suss said...

Her fallback orgy is a five-way with the Ninja Turtles.

J.L. White said...

Your fuck stop.

Brace, BDD. You made Andrea Kramer sound like the horniest gay man in the world. Jeff Garcia better have took down some notes.

Dusty said...

Andrea looks like a deer in headlights most of the time for Christs sake. That face lift was pulled a tad tight.

I can see her as a slump-buster but nothing more, and Brady isn't in a slump yet..

Kolja said...

"hollow me out like a chocolate Easter bunny"


Dubya said...

I'm sobbing as I type this. Epic.