Friday, November 2, 2007

Quien Es Mas Macho: Dungy O Belichick?


Last year, the one known as the Maj penned an enlightening piece on who to root for between the Pats and Colts. After some heavy thought and two rounds of bong hits, Maj picked the Pats.

But here we are, one year later, and the choice is no longer quite so clear. These are two really fucking annoying teams, largely because they win a lot and my team does not. There’s only one way to figure out who to root for on Sunday. And that’s to bust out the Pro and Con lists for a special mini-edition of…

Quien Es Mas Macho: Dungy O Belichick?

Tony Dungy

Pros:
-Nice guy
-Super Bowl champ
-Muy macho
-Best-selling author to sucker Christian readers who’ll buy anything Pastor Walton commands them to
-Supposedly classy, which almost makes me think he’s a closet sexual deviant, which would be cool
-Aerodynamic, pyramid-shaped head
-Goofy ears allow him to hear Rob Morris farting from the 30-yard-line
-Found Randy Moss’ moon mime in Green Bay funny
-Only black man in America who wears pleated Dockers
-Black, but not black enough to be threatening to pasty white sports journalists, who are positively terrified of Mike Tomlin

Cons:
-Mustache lacks thickness of Reid's, wispiness of porn star's
-Came out against hot interracial Owens-on-Sheridan shower banging
-Not a Jake Gyllenhaal fan
-Closeted afficionado of Corn Nuts
-Like Flanders, refuses to buy insurance because he views it as gambling
-Extreme kindness and piety just a cover for the fact that he murdered a hitchhiker back in ’81.

Bill Belichick


Pros:

Cons:
-Asshole
-Seriously, the guy is a fucking asshole
-Refuses to hire Jennifer Beals as sleeve-cutting consultant
-Showers less frequently than Christopher McCandless did or currently does
-Would strangle your wife if it meant getting useful info for his practice squad, and would enjoy it
-Has broken more arms during intercourse than Rocco Siffredi
-Has raped Brady while quarterback was asleep
-Hates you and your family
-Hates God
-Hates the world
-But loves craisins. Adores them

Two manly men, but they’re no Jack Lord. Personally, I think the Pats win by two touchdowns or more. But what about you? What do you think? QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!

27 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

I'll give Dungy the edge for being an ex-NFL player, for not coaching in New England and for not being a giant duche like Belichick.

naptown drew said...

Dungy.

No homo.

NHZ said...

Dungy may not be a giant douche, but he's definitely a turd sandwich.

Jackin'4Beats said...

No homo for the win Drew.

And can someone slap Belichick in the face with their dick please? Thanks.

Pemulis said...

you kind of have to admire belichick because who wouldnt want to get paid a ton to be an asshole and bang milfs all day, but i gotta go with dungy because.... hmmmm shit. i got nothin

Upstate Underdog said...

BDD, thanks for making me look up who C.McCandless was. I'm thinking he was wearing Bad Idea jeans at the time of his death.

I did not need to look up who Rocco Siffredi is.

twoeightnine said...

Before he kills your wife he showers her with gifts and rapes her. He's like the Night Stalker but more of a prick.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

"ALL HAIL BELICHICK AND HIS GLORIOUS NEW REGIME!"

/get ready for our new master or he'll get ready for you!

John Benjamin said...

craisins = construda raisins

Rob I said...

I root for the Colts but I bet on the Pats.

Or whoever the Vikings are playing.

Les Savy Ferd said...

I think it would hilarious if Indy beats the pats but only if they go on to be undefeated. That way the 'hands down' 'best team in NFL history' won't even finish with the best record.

Otto Man said...

I'm thinking he was wearing Bad Idea jeans at the time of his death.

"Sure, I didn't have a condom. But I thought, hey, when am I going to be in Haiti again?"

Upstate Underdog said...

"Sure, I didn't have a map or food. But I thought, hey, when am I going to be in the wilderness of Alaska again?"

Gourmet Spud said...

Has raped Brady while quarterback was asleep

Is it rape if he was only pretending to be asleep?

Big Daddy Drew said...

+1 to Spud for the pic of Shane MacGowan

lieutenant winslow said...

Would strangle your wife if it meant getting useful info for his practice squad, and would enjoy it

that's actually not true. he'd strangle her sans use info as well.

don't be jealous. thats the kind of coach i want. lying, cheating, and stealing (signals) to get my boys a W.

Barry said...

Dungy believes in God.
Belichick will gouge out God's eyeballs and skull-fuck him.

Belichick > Dungy

ColeTrain said...

No Drew, Danno (James MacArthur) will book you. Danno.

Steve H said...

Which are you going to cheer for - the dickweed that everyone calls a dickweed or the assgoblins who everyone call saints? If you're going to cheer for a douchemuncher you might as well call it a douchemuncher.

Jim U. said...

Can't a giant earthquake hit Indy on Sunday and swallow both teams whole? It solves two problems: gets rid of the shit whole known as Indianoplis and get Belichick closer to where he's going anyhow.

the great bambi said...

is raping brady really a con? that's kinda in the gray area, as in the pro is someone raped brady, the con, belichick's a rapist, pro they both have herpes now,

Phony Gwynn said...

Only black man in America who wears pleated Dockers

Not if Tony Gwynn can find some with a 52 waist. And a boomerang belt.

JAMMQ said...

. . . not black enough to be threatening to pasty white sports journalists, who are positively terrified of Mike Tomlin.

I thought this was something only I noticed, and needs further analysis . . .

JAMMQ said...

They fucking shit their pants around Mike Tomlin.

GPP said...

Colts by double digits. If the Cowboys and Browns can move the ball on the Pats D then the Colts can. Also I don't think they have played a decent defense yet.

Robert said...

"I don't think they have played a decent defense yet"

Could not agree more. Yeah, Dallas and Washington played them with the 3rd and 5th ranked defenses, respectively, but since they both play in the NFC East I say they don't count.

Indy will be the first respectable defense NE lays 50 on.

NHZ said...

The 'Skins defense is good, but totally banged up coming into the 52-7 slaughter. The Cowboys...eh...they kinda seem like a weak sister unit that's being hidden by Dallas's offensive ability.

Pats for the win, and Dungy turns to satanic worship to attempt to win the rematch in the AFC CG.