Monday, November 26, 2007

Stuff To Distract From The Report That Sean Taylor Is In A Coma

Reports have surfaced that Sean Taylor is now in a coma following surgery from a potentially fatal gunshot wound. This is a decidedly unfunny situation, and we are now faced with a rather morbid watch over Taylor’s health.

But I’ve learned throughout life that humor often serves as a useful distraction in moments such as these. That and sling bikinis. So here now is some random funny shit to help keep us all occupied:

-Hippo rape.

-I was taking a shit one time and had to go wipe my ass. Only, when I wiped, some of the toilet paper remained firmly lodged in my butt. I did not realize this at the time, so I went to go flush. When I flushed, the water gently tugged the paper out of my ass. And I have to tell you, it was kind of thrilling.

-One time I was sitting in a beach chair at a house party and threw up into my lap.

-KSK VP of Research flubby has unearthed this incredible collection of the 16 ugliest men in rock. I’m pretty sure Joey Ramone was born without a jaw.

-Sometimes, when I get an erection, I like to push it down, and then release it while yelling out, “BOING!!!!!!!!!” Sometimes, I imagine a small Chinese diver jumping off of it.

-When I was at boarding school there was a fat kid (one apart from me) who we called Big Fun, after the fat girl in “Heathers” who wears a t-shirt that says those exact words. We used to scream out “BIG FUN!” when he walked in the room. And whenever someone ordered pizza, they’d do it under the name “Big Fun”. So the delivery guy would walk in and say, “Is there a Big Fun here?” Try it with a fat friend of yours. It’s lots of fun.

-The singer for Quiet Riot died. Hilarious! Talk about “Condition Critical”!

-Need a quick shot of fun? Take out your scrotum and walk up to a lady and tell her, “Ew! Look! I sat in some gum! And there’s hair on it!”

-Raiders defensive coordinator Rob Ryan is the Joe Eszterhas of the NFL. He looks like a roadie for Bad Company. I swear, when the Raiders played the Vikings, he was wearing a windbreaker with no shirt underneath. If he isn’t banging 16-year-olds by bribing them with free acid, I’ll be upset.

-Poker Monkey!


-After Thanksgiving Day dinner, I embarked on a farting odyssey that caused my wife to re-evaluate everything about our relationship. It feels good to fart. It really does. It feels like I’m breathing a sigh of relief. I also enjoy making other people recoil with horror at my own stench. It’s a mark-your-territory kind of move. It makes me feel like I have the upper hand. I’m weird.

UPDATE: Taylor is unresponsive and doctors are currently worried about brain damage.

27 comments:

Captain Caveman said...

Crissy Moran is proof that plastic surgery for women is totally awesome.

flubby said...

Teenage Suicide: Don't Do It

NeverNude said...

No Marilyn Manson or Kid Rock on that list? I want a recount.

Oh, and fuck you BDD for your Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

TJ Houshmandzadeh successfully slaughtered my fantasy team this week. I knew Marv Lewis was getting his coaching advice from deadspin this year.

Upstate Underdog said...

At least you didn't call the fat kid Martha Dumptruck.

Jackin'4Beats said...

All the shit stories in the world can't get Chrissy Moran out of my head today. Well done with that photo.

Bobby said...

Time flies when you're in a coma. I love this blog

toader said...

no dead baby jokes?

Rusty said...

Her plastic surgery is terrible.

Come on, fellas. It's the double aughts. We can do better than any ol' broad with a set of inflated cans.

Christmas Ape said...

Poker monkey's name: Chips?

Yeah, sorry.

Awful Chief said...

Bob Ryan also looks like the Sam Elliott character in Road House, but fatter.

"I'll get all the sleep I need when I'm dead." -Wade Garrett

Awful Chief said...

sorry, Rob Ryan

Undead Zombie Horde said...

1) Fucking Christ, Shane MacGowan is ugly!

2) Chrissy Moran, fake or no, is "cheering" me up.

3) Hippo rape: Hysterical!

Wormfather said...

BDD is there no end to your
shitty
stories?

My Insignificant Life said...

I read the over/under on Taylor is Wednesday.

Pemulis said...

"-When I was at boarding school there was a fat kid (one apart from me) who we called Big Fun, after the fat girl in “Heathers” who wears a t-shirt that says those exact words. We used to scream out “BIG FUN!” when he walked in the room. And whenever someone ordered pizza, they’d do it under the name “Big Fun”. So the delivery guy would walk in and say, “Is there a Big Fun here?” Try it with a fat friend of yours. It’s lots of fun."



When I was in high school there was this kind of tubby asian guy that everyone called "FUCK" and it stood for Fat Ugly Chinese Kid. i'm not sure if anyone called him this to his face or if it was all behind his back, but i did not personally call him this, as i was not nearly cool enough to be calling anyone names.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

uh... if I read that article correctly... Sean Taylor keeps a MACHETE near his bed "in case of emergency"?

God, what a Meast.

smeos said...

What the fuck is up with the NFL this year? Darrent Williams gets shot, that other Denver player that nobody cares about just keels over. Kevin Everett pulls a Superman on opening day, and now this?

Why couldn't this happen to a league where the players actually deserve it, like the NBA?

Chamomiles Davis said...

That picture becomes even more precious now that Crissy Moran has found Jesus.

That's a true story. Yet despite her no longer being in the business, somehow new galleries of her come out every week. She's like the Tupac of porn.

Kevin said...

For fat kid names, I don't think anything beats "Fatass McBlobicus".

Christmas Ape said...

Kevin Everett pulls a Superman on opening day, and now this?

Superman dat ho even while crippled? He truly is worthy of the Meast honor.

flubby said...

Superman dat ho(spital rehabilitation specialist).

Slash said...

This is a classic. It's got everything: boobies, shit, vomit, farting, several references to genitalia, a poker monkey. It does not get better than this.

Dusty said...

Butt floss disguised as a bathing suit always gets males minds off horrible situations..

Good job BDD.

twoeightnine said...

Needs more tits.
http://www.btinternet.com/~micka.wffps/great_tit.jpeg

Uncle JR said...

Just heard that he's out of the coma and responsive.

I guess laughter IS the best medicine.

impresario919 said...

The meast is dead. Long live the meast.

TheNaturalMevs said...

tag: hey you caught me in a comaaaaaa

Drew, grow up and don't be such a fuckin' punk.