Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Kevin Everett Meast of the Week - Week 11


The Meast of the Week column, as much as the members of the Gay Mafia try to shrug it off onto someone else, is actually one of the least restrictive features we have on this site. This is saying a lot, because as far as I know we don’t really have any rules or regulations other than incorporating the word "fag" into a post whenever traffic lags.

But the Meast is fun: just rant about something non-NFL related for a couple paragraphs, then write "This week’s meast is..." and you're done.

I volunteered for the Meast this week because I’ve got the week off from both The Prelude because of Thanksgiving and from my social life because I’m in Southern Maryland. Problem is, nothing really struck me as worthwhile to write about. This ugly streak of moderate career satisfaction means that I’m just not angry enough to rant about things that piss me off. So instead of a rage-fueled rant, here follows a cornucopia -- nay, a horn o' plenty! -- of Measty topics that I passed over because they were too petty, entirely indefensible, or just made me sound like more of a douche than I already am.

- Reasons why full-time paid blogging isn’t as fun as sneaking it in at work as an anonymous office drone

- Thanksgiving football games always suck

- Why do we perform scientific experiments on rats and rabbits when we have perfectly useless humans?

- Fuck Panera Bread. Who blocks YouTube and Blogger?

- Things that are more boring than college basketball

- Okay, ladies. You wanna prove you like the NFL? Make out with that chick.

- Big Daddy Drew’s formula for disliking something (Step 1: Find something similar yet less heralded. Step 2: Declare less heralded thing better. Step 3: Add profanity. Step 4: Disagree? Douchebag!)

- Listen, Grandma, I’m not gonna write thank you notes any more

- I try to be open-minded, but I just don’t like a finger in my asshole

- Even IF Maurice Morris got a blowjob from a random guy in Manhattan and ate that guy’s ass, that wouldn’t make me cheer for him any less

- Ya know who’s attractive enough for me to screw? Pretty much anyone famous with a vagina.

- Corner Creek: the most amazing bourbon you’ve never heard of

- A complete exposure of The Big Lead: his name and previous writing jobs, his challenging career as a news editor at People Magazine, and a link to his New York Times wedding announcement. He and his husband look so happy.

- Blowjobs are overrated. Really great, but overrated.

- Being in Hawaii: not a legitimate reason to wear a Hawaiian shirt



This week’s meast is the Cardinals’ Antrel Rolle. Like Antonio Cromartie last week, he had three interceptions. Unlike that pussy Cromartie, he took each one of them back to the house – only an unnecessary illegal block kept the last one from counting in the record books.

But you know what’s more real than the record books? A weekly blog award named after a made-up word. That is fucking edgy.

23 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

Corner Creek? Corner Creek is shit! Basil Hayden's is way better! FUCKING way better! Douchebag!

NeverNude said...

Big Daddy Drew’s formula for disliking something (Step 1: Find something similar yet less heralded. Step 2: Declare less heralded thing better. Step 3: Add profanity. Step 4: Disagree? Douchebag!)


HA! Step 3b: Add dick joke

Dusty said...

Corner Creek? How long is that rot-gut aged for, a week in someones dirty bathtub?

ColeTrain said...

because dick jokes aren't profane...

I have rarely gotten a great blowjob. Every girl who tells me she is great at it just looks awesome naked, so the guy just blows in 5 seconds. I am much more discriminating.

Kyle said...

panera? southern maryland? sounds like good ol' waldorf! get out of the panera and turn the corner to Mexico Restaurant, where the margaritas are gigantic and the people as ugly and stupid as everywhere else in that bum-fuck town!

i will also be in waldorf this weekend. can't say i'm excited.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

TBL was the ghost writer on The Last Kiss.

Captain Caveman said...

Waldorf is civilization compared to where I am.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"- I try to be open-minded, but I just don’t like a finger in my asshole"

Addendum to point proper: I am always suspicious of any woman who even TRIES that move. I find it both presumptuous and demeaning. But since you brought it up, May I interest you in a facial, darling?

hardawayhatesyou said...

In my experience, I find that the only girls who really relish giving a blowjob from are those who are, how you say, rather portly.

Wormfather said...

Ya know this a good opportunity for me to appologize. A few months back during the liquor draft. I started a LiqFlaWa over my love for blended scotch...well I've had some time and some hangovers and I have moved away from the blended. I'm a single barrel man now and I just want to appologize for the errors of my ways.

I'm still not a burbon man, but I can respect its qualities.

From the other side of town said...

- Blowjobs are overrated. Really great, but overrated.

Uninspired, do I have to, I'm only doing this for your birthday blow job are overrated. But that impromptu spine tingling cleansing of the pipes done in an enthusiastic manner can't be rated well enough.

RBH said...

Captain Caveman's list of rejected topics > Everything else I've read today.

J.E. said...

The Big Lead's real name is Sheldon Turnipseed.

Boy Howdy said...

Costco has a Magic Bourbon Gift Box, with a bottle Bakers, Bookers, and Basil Hayden for $100.

I've considered stockpiling it in case I need to drink myself through an apocalypse or three.

dick_gozinia said...

Of course Antrel Rolle scored.....HE'S GOT 4 LEGS!!!!!

Rocco Door said...

Dude, Yes Fuck Panera for blocking Blogger and YouTube. However, there are some nice websites at www.privax.us that will allow you go get past Panera's feeble "blocking software" in no time. My personal favorite is hidemyass.com

mamacita said...

It must be harder to phone it in over dial-up.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Hey Cap -

You sir are in the bowels of hell. Have you at least killed that cat and blamed it on one of the neighborhood kids yet. That's always a load of laughs.

Kolja said...

In my experience, I find that the only girls who really relish giving a blowjob from are those who are, how you say, rather portly

I think that's because they're always hungry.

Mike said...

This Meast of the Week is a fraud. Everyone knows that MJD is Meast of the Week for blowing up Merriman.

JAMMQ said...

How can something be really great . . . but overrated?

Sasha said...

JAMMQ said...

How can something be really great . . . but overrated?


If something was widely thought of as being unbelievable, but just being great (and not the best thing in the world) in your opinion, then it'd be overrated in your mind.

And bravo to dick_gozinia, after you said that, I looked at the picture again and just starting laughing loudly haha.

smurphette said...

@coletrain - If a girl has to *tell* you she's good at giving blow jobs, she probably isn't. If she was, the skills would speak for themselves.