Thursday, November 15, 2007

Work Kinda Blows + This Week's Meast

9:04 AM
Fred: hey man
Landon: hey buddy
Fred: another awesome day at work, eh?
Landon: yeah, just found a snake in the office
took a cell phone pic
then it disappeared
Fred: holy shit!
why is there a fucking snake in your office?
Landon: dunno
Fred: maybe he works there
you should have made him do some filing
Landon: it did have a little dress shirt and tie on
Fred: well at least he adhered to the dress code
he might have just taken an early lunch
Landon: haha
Fred: that's freaky; was it by your desk?
Landon: no, on the far end of the office, in a cubicle
Fred: that snake should have his own office
Landon: he's new
you don't get the corner office your first day
Fred: tell him that
Landon: if i can find him
if he's going to be coming and going as he wishes, I need to know that information
Fred: he needs to fill out his timesheet accordingly
Landon: he doesn't have the vacation built up yet to be taking half days
Fred: or long lunches, either
snakes these days, they think they can just slither in like they own the place
Fred: send him an email

10:08 AM
Landon: snake@landoncorp.com
just sent it
he's only 5 inches long, how long does he need for lunch?
Fred: maybe it's a working lunch


10:38 AM
Fred: So, did you take that from that other place where you applied?
Landon: I haven't heard back yet
but i would expect the decision (either way) to come very soon
i'm not about to get my hopes up
he and i both know i'm very green
Fred: and chronically homosexual
Landon: how do you think i got THIS job?
Fred: tapping your foot in the men's room stall
with your resume rolled up in your ass
Landon: that's product placement
Fred: I guees it beats the shit out of careerbuilder
Landon: no kidding
oh, i'll send you the pic of our new office help
Fred: please do so
so that I may report him to the Better Serpents Bureau
Landon: the BSB doesn't take these things lightly
i would have said they don't take it lying down...
Fred: haha
they are a serious bunch, but it takes them forever to type shit up
Landon: they're reports just read "Ssssssss"
hang on, fire alarm just went off
Fred: wheeee


11:04 AM
Landon: yeah, everyone went outside like it's 2nd grade
i'm the only one in the office, so role call was easy
Fred: did you touch each head as you counted?
Landon: i had to, otherwise i'd have to start over
Fred: well, yeah
Landon: unfortunately, our new office assistant was unaccounted for
Fred: shocker
Landon: this is why he needs to tell me when he's coming and going
if a situation like this arises


12:49 PM
Landon: still on the loose. he was in the copy room, but i was unable to trap him with a file folder. he slithered under the big file cabinet.
Fred: where's that pic already?
Landon: i sent it to you. i'm sending you a 2nd one i just took also
Fred: my phone must be slow

1:09 PM
Landon: snake has been disposed of
Fred: terminated? that was a short career
Landon: dazed and taken outside, trapped it in a box
i took the keyboard duster compressed gas thingie, turned it upside down so it became lethal, sprayed it enough to daze it, trapped it in a box, and released it into the wild.
Fred: Don Rumsfeld approves of your shock-and-awe, as well your grasp of weapons terminology.
Landon: as well he should
Fred: By the way, your Meast for the week is Antonio Cromartie. He had three picks against the Colts.
Landon: cool.
Fred: Those pics still aren’t here yet.
Landon: let me try it over email
Fred: Fine.

33 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

I hate snakes, Jacques! I HATE 'EM!!!!!

Christmas Ape said...

Not many black people get bitten by snakes. That's true. Because black people stroll too cool in the office.

/richard pryor

rikadyn said...

looks like a king snake...

J.L. White said...

Snakes....why'd it have to be snakes (as a running gag to introduce the Meast of the Week)?

Big said...

funnyest thing i've read all day. Ever think the snake was from a competing company?

Unsilent Majority said...

you should have fed it some beer, man.

dick_gozinia said...

Why'd it have to be snakes???

MicroscopicElvis said...

Come on Drew, show a little backbone, will ya?

Big Daddy Drew said...

He's a cold hearted snake, girl
Look into his eyes
Uh-oh
He's been tellin' lies!

M.M. said...

Did anyone see Rece Davis ask Robert Smith "did the Husky (UCONN) mascot beat you off"? That shit is Live. Who knows what crazy-ness will ensue?

Wormfather said...

OK, fine, I'll do it.

I'm sick and tired of these motha fucking snakes on the motha fucking copier.

There, it's done.

smurphette said...

@BDD: That is one cassingle I definitely owned.

Hyatt said...

Drew, here I thought you were going to bust out Duran Duran's Union of the Snake, or at least Aerosmith's Rattlesnake Shake. Perhaps even REM's The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight.

Pemulis said...

They got snakes out there this big?!

/ice cube

MicroscopicElvis said...

I love the sexy slither of a lady snake...oooooh baby

MonkeyBoy said...

There's some kind of analogy for UM's current battle in here...

Andrew said...

Punter's name is Fred?

FTA said...

What, you don't speak parsel tongue? Hehehe.

Oh shit. Oh shit, shit, shit. I don't even know what that means.

smurphette said...

@andrew: At least it's not Landon.

dick_gozinia said...

Where is the fat black kid from SNL when you need him?

Dave said...

You play dead, but you never bled. Instead, you lay still in the grass, all coiled up and hissin'

Vipul said...

good now i dont have to watch the office tonight

Babydaddy said...

That's a fine specimen of Alabama blacksnake, but it ain't too goddamn beaucoup.

Derrick said...

This stinks worse than the time the snake got caught in the copier!

(poetic license to steal from Anchorman)

Monday Morning Punter said...

My name is not Fred.

The Pirate Sloth said...

badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, .... oh wait.

Matt said...

Tom T. Hall says to check and make sure all your root beer is accounted for.

swing4 said...

You work for the government, don't you? Explains a lot.

peter king crowned my ass said...

I don't understand why there are no crackers in this post, aside from the two buffoons yapping about a snake.

flubby said...

@ Matt: when he goes wigglin' through the conference room floor, it tickles his underneath.

mamacita said...

You LET IT GO? Way to go, Moby.

BigFootFool said...

"I bought a snake bite repair kit and I told my friends you don't have to worry about snakes anymore"

"lay down! A snake bite repair kit is a body bag"

3000 said...

I'ma take a flier here.... Landon was in a fraternity in college.