Thursday, November 8, 2007

Patriots vs. Bye. WHO YA GOT?


Sure, there are games this week that will decide the division lead in the NFC East and the AFC North, but who gives a warm saucer of amniotic fluid about who leads those loser divisions? We want to know about the Patriots. Who is attaching an asterisk to their season, or a circumflex, or an umlaut or those crazy interlocking S's you sometimes see in academic papers. What do those mean, anyway? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Patriots______________Bye week

Record

9-0_______________0-0-9

Strengths

Insufferability, winning________Idle time to fill with Heroin Hero

Affiliation with Satan

His team_________________His plaything

Letdown

Bye week unlikely to accuse them of running up the score_____Also unlikely to collect bounty on Brady

Weaknesses

Rush defense, officials who actually call Randy Moss for pushing off____Solely a temporal abstract, not actual football team (like rest of AFC East)

Versus Bengals

38-16_________ few dozen arrests

Bragging rights

Not playing, yet discussed at length during all other games__Not losing to New England

Finishing move

Fucking up fantasy owners___Putting up a better fight than the Redskins


29 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

bye week has also been known to fuck up fantasy owners.

Pemulis said...

gotta go with tbe bye week so i can finally catch that dragon!

smurphette said...

that wily interlocking S character is the statutory section symbol. I have a nerdy affection for it, since its Word shortcut has saved me the trouble of typing 5 letters countless times in memos and papers ever since I was in law school.

Jackin'4Beats said...

@ smurphette: you have cemented your dork status for all eternity with that explanation.

I'll see your § and raise you a ش.

Take that!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Oh...and I'll take the bye. FUCK DA PATS.

Didn't that stroke victim above get the memo about smiling? What a bottle of jenkem.

lost said...

smurphette...just like the double-P symbol for 'paragraph' (the pilcrow) and the double-S section sign, I use a stacked pair of capital T's to denote 'tits'

i found that if you use tricks like that to confuse a law professor, they usually just give you a B or B+ and move the fuck on. my buddy J.D. sez that was good enough for him.

lost said...

kiß my aß

peytonloveskenny said...

That would explain why my math profs last year kept writing § before every section number. Good to know.

Christopher said...

Bye weeks suck. I'm gonna gonna have to go to Pottery Barn or some shit now, as payment for 4 months of being completely useless on Sundays.

I'll take the Pats, they being the best team in the history of football, any day. Just like Jackn' would if he had a soul.

peytonloveskenny said...

Did you just declare the Pats to be "the best team in the history of football" halfway through the season? And Pats fans wonder why people complain about them.

Les Savy Ferd said...

Hey! Being generous, the Bills are a half of a team and should not be grouped together with the mongoloids in the AFC East lower tiers.

Go Bills!
(Also, ruining the Pats perfect season would go a long way to erasing those crushingly painful superbowl 'games')

lost said...

given the content of his first post, i'd surmise that j4b's soul is in good order.

fortunately, his Cowboys ſuck.


btw, floppy ‡

smurphette said...

@J4B: Yeah, I came to grips with that on my first day of 9th grade at a science & tech magnet school (in my own defense, I did at least play varsity sports there). Law school and working on the Hill have only reinforced it.

@lost: Nice try mentioning tits to neutralize your dorktastic knowledge of the actual term for the paragraph symbol. Do you use lower-case t's if the tits in question are A or B-cups?

lost said...

if i'm writing about them, you can be sure that they are not. I may be willing to settle for a 'B' in Jurisprudence, but not in my mouf'

lost said...

and i looked it up, which is even dorkier.






damn, these are some lame comments. but the Scheiße humor isn't doing much better. Come on people. Help me kill the time 'til 5. I got breast milk waitin for me and can't get any work done with visions of sugar plums running through my head.

lost said...

I always thought it was 'magnate school'. But, that's probably because I went to 'public school'.


since we're being dorky, what form of irony would it be if I have to go jerk off before I get at these dubs? I mean, I'd be thinking about the same pair while rubbing it out! ‡. Only 41 minutes to go...

Jackin'4Beats said...

7-1 has got to be the worst record ever. I guess it will only get worst after we beat the Midgets to go 8-1. If the Pats go undefeated (God I hope not), then that 1 will look pretty good on a 15-1 record.

/looks down at all other inferior breast milk laden teams.

Oh and I'll break this out from yesterday - Ufford, where you at?

Pepster said...

I am not sure what turns me on more - lauren with her avatar pic of her breasts, or smurphette, with her linguistical conversation!!! Thank god for KSK!

Jackin'4Beats said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnet_school

lost said...

20 minutes. i can see the ‡ at the end of the tunnel. my ‡ of gold at the end of the rainbow.




it's "situational irony" if i show up with empty nuts from 'contemplating' the hooters i'm supposed to be playing with


and my "magnate school" line is called Socratic irony

and the link you posted is called 'you're an asshole.' but it's 4:41 already, you can't break me.



thanks for trying, tho.

lost said...

and being the best of the NFC still ſuckſ aſs

lost said...

'Magnate School' would be a better name, tho. If you're gonna be an elitist, be a grizzly!




I know this was probably the lamest bunch of comments ever posted on this site, but don't fukkin' blame me. Where the fuck were all of you?

Thanks for all the help, assholes.

Pemulis said...

i was busy jerking off in the bathroom thinking about 2girls1cup.

Pemulis said...

i guess it should go without saying, but if you google that, its insanely nsfanything ever

Chip Fu said...

Only the Pats would get their "perfect season" SI cover jinx on their bye week. And what a perfect jinx cover too. Smiling. "Perfect." Even states 10 games left. That cover had a soul-crushing loss written all over it.

Now, nothing will stop them.

Although I guess it's still likely that Vrabel, Bruschi, Seau, Colvin and Thomas will suffer freakish "Final Destination"-like accidents this week.

jmorrisking said...

What the hell happened to Sports Journalism? The Patriots are on the cover of SI more than Britney on Star or the National Inqurirer. Does The Hoodie have Peter King's kid tied up in the basement brewing up fresh batches of Hobo Construda? Damn

Les Savy Ferd said...

on a totally unrelated note, anyone know the name of the lady in the "bye" picture? Are we supposed to know who that is or is it just some stock photo?

Les Savy Ferd said...

oh for fuck's sake I just found out and I'm sorry i ever asked...

*goes into coma*

lost said...

tragedy averted.

pemulis- thanks for your efforts but I'd rather take a minute to spunk off at work than puke all over my keyboard, or shit all over it, or puke and shit all over it then eating the puke-shit, or put it all in a plastic bag and huff the fumes tomorrow or whatever the hell is in this fucking video.

ok, i looked it up. apparently it's worse than i could have imagined. wow.