Friday, November 16, 2007

Bumptious Boy Billionaire vs. Twisted Leatherfaced Plutocrat. WHO YA GOT?













The Redskins and Cowboys renew their historic rivalry in what a few weeks ago looked to be a compelling contest, but now appears to be an event that may not help Unsilent Majority in this moment of great blockage. The free agent era having eroded any sense of continuity in the league, the only enduring faces we've left with are those in the owner's box. And these two teams are stewarded by the most megalomaniacal men in the country who don't hold public office. If it weren't for these guys, it'd only be Redskins and Cowboys fans who'd make the teams unlikable. So, WHO YA GOT?


Contestants

Dan Snyder_____________Jerry Jones

Bought team in

1999___________________1989

Franchise record since taking over (incld. postseason)

66-75, two playoff victories________171-135, three Super Bowl titles

Lapdog

Vinny Cerrato______________Wade Phillips

Obvious descriptors

Napoleonic short knocker___________Criminally insane, but tensile

Fictional likeness

Charles Foster Kane, minus three feet___George Nelson from "O Brother Where Art Thou"

Dislikes

The media, trees on his property____________The boundaries of reason


Pals around with

Tom Cruise____Saudi ambassador Prince Bandar bin Sultan ("Bandar Bush")

When feeling blue

Awards 6-year contract to faded veteran_____Tittyfucks Wade

Finishing move

Raising ticket, parking lot prices___YYYEEEHHAWWW I AM FUCKING CRAZY

10 comments:

Bryan said...

If Snyder can find a way to get Yakko, Wakko, and Dot on the field; they can really disrupt Romo's timing.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Double-J by three TD's.

Pemulis said...

you always gotta go with tittyfucking, unless theyre your tits

Gourmet Spud said...

I'm still on the fence. Can this be decided by some sort of push-up contest?

Jay said...

This isn't even close, a rich Texan trumps everything short of Kristen Bell. How else did you think George Bush got back into office?

Pemulis said...

diebold?

The Last Unitard said...

This is like choosing between being stabbed to death with a screwdriver or being stabbed to death with a different screwdriver.

smurphette said...

pemulis @12:15 - Indeed.

Following that logic, and seeing as how I am decidedly not Wade Phillips, Dallas wins by a hell of a lot.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I agree with BDD.

Lenn Sakatas Media Assassin said...

Quiet!!! The Danny is trying to figure out how he can sign Jevon Kearse to a 6-year $123 million deal.