Wednesday, November 21, 2007

One Gigantic Cornucopia of Awesomeness


Welcome to a special Thanksgiving edition of Always Be Covering! Simply put, Thanksgiving is the greatest thing to ever happen. Sure, giving thanks is totally gay and nobody in their right mind would want to sit around a stuffy table occupied by all the people you hate most in the world (family). That's why the wise Indian spirit handed football to the white man, who then lateralled it back slathered in smallpox. Now we're left with the modern incarnation of Thanksgiving, a buffet style meal in front of the television. It's light on the thanks and heavy on the action.

For the second straight year the NFL is treating us with a full day of games starting with a post-Turkey Bowl 12:30 kickoff and culminating long after the tryptophan and Franzia has knocked you out cold like that first girl you ever fucked (maybe if she wasn't so protective of her "toy collection" you wouldn't have had to drug her). Of course the three games are partly awful with an 80% chance of total awfulness, regardless, point spreads (and point totals) are the universal equalizer. If you think it's boring to watch Indy leading Atlanta 35-6 in the fourth quarter than you probably don't have your mortgage payment on the over. Don't make this mistake people I urge you to wager with reckless abandon, it's what Pocahantes would have wanted (that and British cock in her mouth).

Before we get on to the picks, here's the commercial that inspired the headline.



That guy is going places!


Hey, I actually won my bets last week! I'm on fire like Wayman Tisdale in NBA Jam (speaking of which, if you want to reminisce over the halcyon days of the NBA in the early 90's you should check out the original NBA Jam rosters). So we've got three games to pick for tomorrow and I'm sticking with last week's format. For the purposes of the post I've placed $25 on each of the games; I'll wear assless chaps in Dupont Circle before I lay another teaser.*


*not true

Detroit +3.5 vs. Green Bay

Betting on Detroit on Thanksgiving: 10% of the time it works every time. But hey, if I root for the Packers all day I'll be puking long before I have the opportunity to cram my patented dinner of mashed potatoes, stuffing, sweet potatoes, turkey, salmon, pumpkin pie, and scotch into my gullet. The over/under on the number of minutes I spend in the shitter is significantly higher than the over/under on total running plays.

Full disclosure: Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams make me question my very manhood.

Dallas -14.5 vs. New York Jets

Every fucking year I have to watch those Dallas bitches play during my meal, so I might as well get something out of it. By this point I'll be so blitzed on zinfandel I won't even be surprised when Wade and Mangina reach through the television and begin eating off of my plate.

Indianapolis -12.5 vs. Atlanta

I don't care if Marvin plays. I don't even care if Peyton plays. There is no way Indianapolis doesn't win by two touchdowns. I'd almost go so far as to say I'd forgo masturbation for am month if they failed to do so...but that would be silly.


Have a happy Thanksgiving and be sure to give your family a bit "Fuck you" from the Gay Mafia.


p.s. I'd be remiss if I didn't let you readers know that after a week and a half without masturbation I'm still going strong (sex helps...a lot). Still, any time I see a hot piece of ass my hand practically begs me to let it go down Mexico way. So aside from the visual and auditory hallucinations I'm fit as a fucking fiddle.

33 comments:

hardawayhatesyou said...

A week and a half? Jesus. Give this kid a medal.

I have regular sex and I still jerk off once every 24 hours. Thanks assparade!

Pepster said...

Who is the most unaccomplished NBA player on NBA Jam? I think I would have to go with Mike Izzolino, over Brad Lohaus and Benoit Benjamin, although I imagine that Bucks team of Lohaus and Blue Edwards collectively might be the most horrific.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone.

Moof! said...

I think UM is drunk. Last thanksgiving I drank more than my entire family combined, thanks to the incredible healing powers of cocaine(used after eating to avoid stifling my appetite). Go get em boys!

Moof! said...

Also, I went to school in Nova Scotia. That douchebag in the McDicks commercial got beat up pretty bad after its airing, it was in the Chronical Herald. Cape Breton is a rough place, mayne.

Upstate Underdog said...

Anyone else shocked that the "cornocopia of awesomeness" kid was wearing a Patriots hat ?

Happy thanksgiving

Unsilent Majority said...

Benoit was crap, but Kemp was like LT in Techmo Bowl

StuScottBooyahs said...

By this point I'll be so blitzed on zinfandel I won't even be surprised when Wade and Mangina reach through the television and begin eating off of my plate.

You are a gift from God, UM.

Matt said...

Tournament Edition >>>> Original.

I rock the Pacers, all day. Reggie Miller, Detlef Schrempf, and Rik Smits. Complete domination.

Wormfather said...

Well done, not going for the teaser. These three games scream for it and you would have lost on the dallas game.

Gourmet Spud said...

@moof::

I read a full-page feature on that kid in McLeans. Apparently, appearing in a major U.S. commercial puts you two steps away from the Prime Minister's office.

Also, my blogger identification word? CNTLYX.

StuScottBooyahs said...

HOWEVA there is no way in hell Detroit is covering against Green Bay.

twoeightnine said...

Who is Pocahantes?

Chamomiles Davis said...

Clarence Weatherspoon & Jeff Hornacek? Really?

God, was there a time other than once in the last fifteen years when the Sixers didn't completely suck?

ben said...

One correction: everyone always talks about "assless chaps," but in reality, ALL chaps are assless. See: University of Texas cheerleaders. Now there's a cornucopia of awesomeness.

If they WEREN'T assless, they'd be, you know, "pants."

Mac G said...

I loved NBA Jam. Kenny Anderson/DC were a force along with Zo/LJ. I would just clean up with Pippen. Manning/Harper were a very underrated duo.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Still, any time I see a hot piece of ass my hand practically begs me to let it go down Mexico way.

"We're going to the greatest place on earth--Tijuana!"

quiet strength said...

I always tore it up with the Spurs on NBA Jam - especially the TE version. Just knock the shit out of everyone else with Rodman and Robinson.

Unsilent Majority said...

Charles Barkley was an ungodly talent, but Golden State (timmy and mullin) and Sactown (the Tisdale and Richmond version) were my teams.

you know, after i tired of playing with gugliotta and the second best grant brother.

Bryan said...

LJ/Zo were unbelievable. Both had 75% rating with the 3-pointer for some reason. Yeah, I remember the ratings.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Scott Stiles was the shit.

mamacita said...

Poor Canadia. I bet they don't even get the McRib.

Jackin'4Beats said...

UM: Don't choke on the matzos and kishka while watching YOUR NFC EAST CHAMPS dismantle the NYets tomorrow. It's OK to cheer for the team that would rather kill than insult the Native folk.

Go Cowboys!

Unsilent Majority said...

yep, jews eat matzos on thanksgiving all right!

SlideShow Bob said...

i like Latkos or Kugel on Thanksgiving, Matzoh clogs the pipes.

JG said...

who is that, scoop fucking jackson in the cornicopia?

J.L. White said...

I see that the original version had Coleman playing with Drazen Petrovic. Too bad Drazen died after that. If I remember correctly, he died by making three slam dunks in a row, which caused the ball to catch fire, then spread to 80% of Drazen's body.

It should have been you, Benoit Benjamin.

Lou Pickney said...

"Iuzzolino -- can't buy a bucket!" I remember the Mavs being the jobber team that you got to beat up on first. Good times, for sure.

Why do I still remember MJT March 22 as the code for Mark Turmell but can't recall 1/20 of the information I "learned" in my freshman year college chemistry class?

NBA Jam and Mortal Kombat 2 were the final two games of the arcade era that prompted me to go out and pump in quarters by the handful. Ah, what today's youth is missing out on...

Unsilent Majority said...

Drazen was my favorite, i have his mitchell and ness jersey.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

JG said...

who is that, scoop fucking jackson in the cornicopia?


Negative, ODB

Mike said...

Chaps, by definition, are assless. It's a needless adjective.

joejoejoe said...

who is that, scoop fucking jackson in the cornicopia?

I think it's either Ol' Dirty Bastard or Benoit Benjamin.

Sexual Tyrannosaurus said...

Barkley/Majerle was an awesome combo. Incidentally, that's a presidential ticket I can support.

Unsilent Majority said...

But not Barkley/KJ. That guy's a slumlord.