Welcome to a special Thanksgiving edition of Always Be Covering! Simply put, Thanksgiving is the greatest thing to ever happen. Sure, giving thanks is totally gay and nobody in their right mind would want to sit around a stuffy table occupied by all the people you hate most in the world (family). That's why the wise Indian spirit handed football to the white man, who then lateralled it back slathered in smallpox. Now we're left with the modern incarnation of Thanksgiving, a buffet style meal in front of the television. It's light on the thanks and heavy on the action.
For the second straight year the NFL is treating us with a full day of games starting with a post-Turkey Bowl 12:30 kickoff and culminating long after the tryptophan and Franzia has knocked you out cold like that first girl you ever fucked (maybe if she wasn't so protective of her "toy collection" you wouldn't have had to drug her). Of course the three games are partly awful with an 80% chance of total awfulness, regardless, point spreads (and point totals) are the universal equalizer. If you think it's boring to watch Indy leading Atlanta 35-6 in the fourth quarter than you probably don't have your mortgage payment on the over. Don't make this mistake people I urge you to wager with reckless abandon, it's what Pocahantes would have wanted (that and British cock in her mouth).
Before we get on to the picks, here's the commercial that inspired the headline.
That guy is going places!
Hey, I actually won my bets last week! I'm on fire like Wayman Tisdale in NBA Jam (speaking of which, if you want to reminisce over the halcyon days of the NBA in the early 90's you should check out the original NBA Jam rosters). So we've got three games to pick for tomorrow and I'm sticking with last week's format. For the purposes of the post I've placed $25 on each of the games; I'll wear assless chaps in Dupont Circle before I lay another teaser.*
Detroit +3.5 vs. Green Bay
Betting on Detroit on Thanksgiving: 10% of the time it works every time. But hey, if I root for the Packers all day I'll be puking long before I have the opportunity to cram my patented dinner of mashed potatoes, stuffing, sweet potatoes, turkey, salmon, pumpkin pie, and scotch into my gullet. The over/under on the number of minutes I spend in the shitter is significantly higher than the over/under on total running plays.
Full disclosure: Calvin Johnson and Roy Williams make me question my very manhood.
Dallas -14.5 vs. New York Jets
Every fucking year I have to watch those Dallas bitches play during my meal, so I might as well get something out of it. By this point I'll be so blitzed on zinfandel I won't even be surprised when Wade and Mangina reach through the television and begin eating off of my plate.
Indianapolis -12.5 vs. Atlanta
I don't care if Marvin plays. I don't even care if Peyton plays. There is no way Indianapolis doesn't win by two touchdowns. I'd almost go so far as to say I'd forgo masturbation for am month if they failed to do so...but that would be silly.
Have a happy Thanksgiving and be sure to give your family a bit "Fuck you" from the Gay Mafia.
p.s. I'd be remiss if I didn't let you readers know that after a week and a half without masturbation I'm still going strong (sex helps...a lot). Still, any time I see a hot piece of ass my hand practically begs me to let it go down Mexico way. So aside from the visual and auditory hallucinations I'm fit as a fucking fiddle.