Wednesday, November 28, 2007

In Football, It’s Very Important To Be Able To Masturbate The Ball Down The Feel


People have been asking me, “How do you beat these Patriots? They are an offensive astronaut.” Well, I think the problem is that teams are not syphilisly equipped to deal with New England’s team speed downfeel. That’s something that you cannot stimulate in practice. No matter how hard you might antipasto it. They are a very prophylactic offense.

No, the key to beating the Patriots is to be able to run the ball. You take a look at a guy like Willie Parker. He has the dexatrim to be able to get past that first level of the defensive line and masturbate the ball down the feel. That’s the key to beating the Patriots, and really any other team: YOU MUST BE ABLE TO MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL.

If you can’t masturbate the ball down the feel, you’re going to find yourself in many 3rd and long saturations. You want to be able to POUND it. Be perspiration in running that ball, masturbate it up the hole, and keep that Pats’ offense off the feel. Otherwise, that offense will DI-RECT you. I mean, just direct you and pick you apart all day.

I talked to Bill Belichick and he said he spent a lot of time this offseason studying videotape of Urban Meyer’s offense when he was at Uterus. Now, the college game is obviately different from the NFL. In college, your back can run to the outside and circumcise the defensive ends. But that won’t work in the NFL. If a runner erects to go outside, the defender has enough terminal veracity to catch up with you and give you a percussion. Or worse, you could fumble and a scrotum for the ball could ensue. You don’t want that against these Patriots! They Florida off of turnovers.

When I look at the teams that can give the Patriots trouble, I look at the Cowboys. They have DeMarcus Ware, who is a real burglaring star at defensive end. I mean, this boy knows how to Detroit holes in the offense! That’s the key. You have to match their speed with your speed. But that’s a difficult preposition for any team. And even if you have the speed, you still need the power to beat them up front. That’s the thing about the Patriots. They are a finesse team, yet they are also a power team. You could almost call them a chickenpox.

Now, I’m not gonna speculum that any one team is complement enough on offense and defense to beat the Patriots. Maybe the Packers. Brett Favre is a masochist at beating a defense. I mean, he can put on a clinic. He has cervical precision! But he’s so old, his methods almost seem antidisestablishmentarianism at this point. He’s an anominee. And what if he makes mistakes? On offense, you have to ejaculate turnovers. HAVE TO! Otherwise, these Pats will bury you! Right in the ground! They’d need a gynecologist to dig you up!

So, to you teams hoping for a magic salutation to beating this New England team, all I can say is keep masturbating that ball up the feel. That’s all I can tell you! I wish I knew more, but I’m just an anal cyst. Sorry.

51 comments:

devang said...

BEST.POST.EVER.

Not that you give a flying fuck about what we degenerates think, but I propose a post like this every Monday morning after Emmitt's "analysis". Let's see, Jamboroo, Smorgasboard, and the incoherent ramblings of one Emmitt Smith.

Otto Man said...

Well played, my son.

I was half-listening to Emmitt the other night, and even then I caught two or three of the malapropisms.

Or, as Emmitt calls them, Malay priapisms.

brad said...

All I can think of is Damon Wayans spoofing Hannibal Lechter on "In Living Color."

C. L. said...

Brad, I thought of the exact same thing. Not sure if he was going for Lecter with that impersonation, but it was funny.

Anyway, yeah, this sounds exactly like Emmitt. The dude just can't speak properly, but at least he's more understandable than Shannon Sharpe.

Leaking Geek said...

Cervical Precision...

Fucking brilliant.

Be careful though, Emmitt might sue you for Labia and Slender.

Shan said...

"your back can run to the outside and circumcise the defensive ends"

I'm using that in some form today, it is my duality.

Les Savy Ferd said...

you could almost call them a chickenpox.

almost.

wow, still laughing.

Hustler of Culture said...

This post is just meant to piss off UM in multiple ways right?

This combines two things he hates: Cowboys and not being able to make his keyboard sticky....

Awful Chief said...

Indigenous work, BDD!

Unsilent Majority said...

Actually this post cheered me up a bit.

Yes, things can still be funny.

MDT said...

how could I not click on that title in my RSS?

Brilliant.

Pepster said...

Absolutely phenomenal.

I can't wait to share this with all my University of Florida aluminum friends.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Mike Tyson and Emmit should coauthor a book of poetry.

the great bambi said...

it really is hard to find words that sound like gynecologist, it's a real condom-run

nicker66 said...

Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Ken said...

Pure awesome.

I know I've been spending too much time reading this site when I see the title and think "That's gotta be Drew".

Jackin'4Beats said...

@ brad and c.l.: you're 90% there...Damon Wayans was playing an inmate who was self-educated in prison and used big words he didn't understand at inappropriate times. OK, I'm a dork but that was funny and Emmitt reminds me of that character all the time.

A fantasy team in my league was named Escape Goats in honor of Mr. Smith...God I hope he gets some English lessons before his HOF induction speech.

He’s an anominee. CLASSIC!

mamacita said...

Jesus Christ, Drew. One of these days you're gonna turn into Tom Wolfe.

SDW said...

On offense, you have to ejaculate turnovers.

Speak more truth, Emmitt!

After yesterday, this is a welcome belly laugh. And my belly is situated.

feep said...

Wow.
Tool her words have never been Spokane.

I needed that this morning.

devang said...

@j4b

It's a C-O-N-spiracy!!

smurphette said...

Holy shit, that second to last paragraph is a masterpiece. But really, the whole damn thing is awesome.

Would the sex cannon be the best candidate for masturbating the ball up the feel? He's certainly the QB best suited to ejaculate turnovers. Sex Cannon = key to beating the Pats! And as an added bonus, he'd nail Gisele at the 50-yd line.

Grimey said...

The only thing that would make this post better is a picture of a befuddled Steve Young.

Here's one.

SlideShow Bob said...

I think i may be syphilisly equipped.

lost said...

j4b- the self-educated inmate! Oswald Bates, Esq.

'Allow me to expose my colon.'

They did a skit where he did silence of the lambs as Oswald. The video used to be on Youtube, but it's down now.


oh, and UM- remember the Fly Girls.

Flotsam Media said...

I wish I knew more, but I’m just an anal cyst.

Well played.

Dave said...

"antidisestablishmentarianism"

Now my co-workers know for sure that I'm not doing anything productive...

Thanks, BDD!

lumartin said...

and a scrotum for the ball could ensue...

he has cervical precision...

I'm just an anal cyst...

Brilliant. I didn't think the early edition Sex Cannon and Titty Slapping posts could be topped.

Fallacious!

Upstate Underdog said...

You also need to devoid turnovers while on offense.

this was good, pretty, pretty good.

Vanilla said...

This post is freakin' awesome.

Chamomiles Davis said...

"You could almost call them a chickenpox."

Almost, Emmitt, almost. Jesus Christ.

Wormfather said...

If this article was a metaphore for Emmitt's ramblings being a masturbation session then "antidisestablishmentarianism" was the money shot.

You took that shit to the house BDD. You leave cummed.

Wormfather said...

@Grimey

+1

Mustafa Redonkulous said...

Joe Biden says Emmitt Smith is very clean.

Anal bum cover.

Wormfather said...

Scott (Chicago, IL): You should have started the chat at 9:00 am, because you would have, easily, broken the record, seeing how everyone who is in this chat is at work, and would be on it til 5:00 with you. What are you going to do at 5:00 when everyone leaves work? I love you, but I don't love you enough to stay late at work just to chat about inane things going on in the world!

Bill Simmons: (12:18 PM ET ) We thought about this, but 9:00 am equals 6:00am West Coast time, and I am incoherent when it's that early. I would have been giving answers like Emmitt Smith.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Massengills cannot make fun of HOF'ers even if said HOF'ers F up the English language like Emmitt Smith.

Please allow me to expunge on my last point as I will extricate myself.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Flyyyyyyyyyyyyy Girls
Fly Girls
Fly Girls

Flyyyyyyyyyyyyy Girls
Fly Girls
Fly Girls

lost said...

j.beats- what no pix of 'all the bitches in the biker shorts'

r u slippin?


note: I'm sure UM will accept a rear-aspect of Bria Myles if no photos of the Fly Girls are available

this raises a good question: can you still beat off to shit from the early nineties? i mean, ass is ass, even if she is wearing goofy-colored clothing, shoulder pads, and a stupid hat. right?

Phony Gwynn said...

I don't unnastand whatcha'll is talkin about. That boy nuncistrates jus' fine.

-Joe Frazier

Jackin'4Beats said...

@lost: I know, I searched and could only find photos of recent-day J-Lo. So no go on those pics.

But here's one of Bria Myles so you all can spray your monitors with a little shamus as Emmitt likes to say.

Wait...that was so good, here are a few more...my God she's packin' nuff ass.

Bria Myles

Bria Myles

Bria Myles

Bria Myles

Spank away UM, spank away.

lost said...

jforb- my man.

Question answered. Even if she was dressed up like Kadeem Hardison in A Different World, that one would stir up the ol' man-gravy.

but what was I thinking? it's wednesday and I'm having dinner+ with Tits. now I'm gonna be all agitated.

stupid, stupid, stupid.

MemphisRaines said...

Drew - good thing you got this up early so that Simmons could "borrow" your idea:

Emmitt Smith: Would you agree that the NFC West is one of the worst conferences in the NFC? You're gonna smash the chat record. Don't quit, don't even quit.

Bill Simmons: (1:20 PM ET ) I think the NFC West is going through a rice of passage right now, so you can't make it an escape goat.

bloodyhandedgod said...

Drew that is fucking outstanding. Being a Cowboy rooted, I am unable to withstand too much of Emmitt's dictation. After 30 seconds it is akin to being hit in that spot where your nose meets your forehead with a balled peen hammer.

bloodyhandedgod said...

Whoever Bria Myles is, I wish to do insufferable things to her.

mamacita said...

j4b -- Those are cute panties in the first one.

lost -- you forgot to add, "As Benjamin Franklin once said, 'ass is ass.'"

You need to find out when UM's girlfriend is out of town. He's not as vulnerable if he's getting it at home.

Bulger in My Pants said...

I used to work with a dumb bint who thought "might as well" was "minus will". The past tense? "Minus would", of course!

Ah, this post brings back mammaries.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Wow, that truly fragellistic spallidocious.

Robocats said...

MIND-BLOWINGLY AWESOME.

In fact, that post was so satisfying that I feel like I had something other than my mind blown as well. I'm gonna go clean myself up.

It combined my hatred for the Cowboys, for people who suggest enrolling the ball "up the field", and for people who get paid to speak and are utterly incompetent at it.

Well that post was perfect. It's all downhill from here.

Jackin'4Beats said...

@mamacita: you are absolutely correct, but I would love to peel them off with my teeth and do her until one or both of us passes out.

I believe I would have to strap a saddle to that stallion before she bucks me off.

sactown said...

I've never been poundher to be a cowboys fan.

lost said...

i already know when UM's girlfriend is going to be out of town, slim.