Thursday, September 6, 2007

The 2007 KSK Sex Cannon Cumslinging Project


Hello, there. Gentlemen. Ladies. Children, to whom I am more or less indifferent. I’m Rex Grossman. Also, known as The Sex Cannon Known As Rex Grossman. As you know, I play quarterback for the Chicago Bears. And, if I do say so myself, I look pretty fucking hot doing it.

Let me explain something to you Rexettes out there. I don’t wear an athletic supporter out there. I don’t. Too constrictive. My cock does not like being reigned in, and I am not one to go against the wishes of Dr. Death And His Satchel (that’s my nickname for the entire three-piece set). So, before every game, I put on a football belt with the hip pads laced through. Nothing else. Then, I walk in front of a full-length mirror and masturbate to myself masturbating. Then, and only then, do I put on my game pants. We wear white game pants at home. In HD, you can really see my enormous phalange about to burst out of the pant laces. God, it feels so fucking good. Excuse me for a moment.

/finds a woman, nails her

Much better. Anyway, I’m here to ask for your support. Lots of people (strictly men, I assure you) in the Chicago area have recently taken to criticizing me in public. I don’t really know what I did to deserve this. I took you people to a Super Bowl last year. And, thanks to me, Cook County experienced a record number of childbirths in the past year. That’s fucking production. If you don’t like it, fuck you in the nostril.

So what if I fumble a snap or two? Wouldn’t you? I gotta put my hands on Olin Kreutz’ kreutzpie every goddamn play. Yuck. It just feels faggity and wrong. I’ve told coach Smith on many occasions that the Cumslinger works only from the shotgun. But he doesn’t listen, man!

So I’m asking for your help. Are you a Bears a fan? Do you have season tickets? Are you attending a Bears game anywhere this year? Then I want to see a visible sign that you are a member of my Sexy Army. Bring signs. Hold them up. Make sure they say shit like:

-SEX CANNON
-REX IS THROWING IT DOWNFIELD
-DUMPOFF PASSES ARE FOR H---S
-REX UNLEASHES THE DRAGON
-SEXY REXY HAS THE DRAGON.
-REX IS IN THE SEXY BUSINESS.

Or get creative. I don’t care. I’m not a writer. I’m a fucker. Take pictures of your signage in the lot or at the stadium and send them to the lazy douches here at KSK. You’ll get your pics posted and you’ll get a free Sex Cannon t-shirt, a $2.50 value. If you manage to get your sign on live television, you’ll get two free t-shirts and a free fingerbanging, courtesy of yours truly.

You have your marching orders. Let’s light this candle.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

19 comments:

chewbacca lowenstien said...

5 Yard Outs Don't Win Games!

Smello said...

Can I get pregnant just thinking about the Sex Cannon? Because...mmmm...Rexy...

Excuse me, I have to shut the office door.

Weed Against Speed said...

What would I win if I can get Joe Buck to say that holding up my sign was a disgusting act and he is compelled to apologize to anyone who saw it?

grungedave said...

your move, Chad Johnson.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Kyle Orton gets thirsty when he does projects.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

The progeny of the Sex Cannon and the Spain Train could literally impregnate a concrete lady.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Maybe, just maybe... this might be worth me making a sign for when the Bears come to Seattle...

Maybe.

Awful Chief said...

Pearl Necklace Day
Courtesy of Rex Grossman
Qualcomm Stadium
September 9th, 2007
Female Fans 18-34 only

Camp Tiger Claw said...

unsubscribe

Jackin'4Beats said...

Glad to have the cumslinger back. Women everywhere are now padlocking their chastity belts as we speak.

Too bad those belts can't stop the frozen ropes from hitting them in the eye.

JAMMQ said...

The Sex Cannon's back. Football is back. Yes!

Wormfather said...

@Awful Chief

+1

Shan said...

does this mean that my little sister is already preggo? shit i'd better check on my girlfriend...

Signal to Noise said...

"Handoffs are for pussies!"

I look forward to more Sex Cannon exploits.

Peter said...

BDD,

you had me at... My cock does not like being reigned in, and I am not one to go against the wishes of Dr. Death And His Satchel (that’s my nickname for the entire three-piece set).

save the steagles said...

This makes me wish I had the balls to wear my sex cannon shirt in public. How can the people of Chicago not be behind this man?

Chamomiles Davis said...

sts,

Because he'd rather be behind them, if you catch my drift.

SarahS said...

Sorry I'm late, but fear not. I shall answer the call, Rexstacy. Look for me on the 40 yard line, 9th row in San Diego. I'll be behind the Chargers sideline, explaining to them, play by play, exactly what your sex cannon is doing to their hole-y defense. I think I'll stick with the old standy sign: Sexy Rexy. Or perhaps: Rexual Healing.

TheDoubleB said...

I'll be bring rexy back all over San Diego this weekend. Those Chargers will be covered in my man goo love for Rexy.