Monday, October 29, 2007

Hey Joe, Suck My Dick



Sweet ass spelunking Jesus, those were not good times. Call me a reactionary but I'm here to call for the head of Coach Joe Gibbs. Some say it's sacrilege to utter such opinions in the District of Columbia, but most certainly realize that this shit has gone on way too long. Dennis Hopper's character from Hoosiers could have done a better job preparing his team for a game after sucking the ethanol out a hippy's gas tank. The Redskins don't have the personnel necessary to compete for a title but they sure as shit shouldn't be losing by 45 to anybody. For the love of God, even those teal-clad ball-garglers managed to keep things interesting. They found a way to put the ball in the endzone even after Ronnie Brown got hurt, but all you can do is shrug your fucking shoulders spread your cheeks wide for Belichick's stubby little captain to make you a man? Fucking shit, man.

If Joe Gibbs had coached the 1980 Olympic hockey team we'd all be speaking Russian. Da.

If Joe Gibbs had coached the 1971 Marshall Thundering Herd the town of Huntington would have wished they'd been on that fucking plane.

If Joe Gibbs had run the Boston Celtics Franchise he would have traded Bill Russell for an old white point guard to run the second team and pre-game Bible study.

If Joe Gibbs had the mount on Secretariat he would have pulled in the reigns after the first 1/8th mile.

If Joe Gibbs were the President of the United States...well actually things would be about the same, except that Kim Jong-Il would have blueprints of every nuclear reactor in America.


Yep, I'm still pretty fucking pissed. Offense can't function without an "NFL quality" line? Fine, get beat. Defense can't stop Tom Brady? Fine, get beat. Nobody calls Randy Moss for pushing off? Yeah it sucks, but fight back. Instead of bending over for the Patriots why not call Sean Taylor over during the next timeout. Here's what you do--give him some earplugs, convince him that any whistles he hears are his imagination, and tell him that the next play isn't over until somebody is in traction. At least then we wouldn't be the the NFL's newest prison yard bitch.

Hey Joe...uh, where you gonna run to now, where you gonna run to?



Yeah, Mexico. You should totally go hide out in Mexico for a while.


And now for Mr. Belichick...

A lot of people want me to lay into heartless football coaching machine, but what's the point? Doing so would be counter-intuitive, it just serves to feed the beast. What I really don't understand are all of the emails I've received about how I shouldn't bitch about the Pats running up the score, which is especially odd because I don't really remember doing so.

Here's where I stand on the issue, Brady is a dick, Gibbs is a pussy, and Belichick is an asshole.



Yeah, they're assholes for leaving their starters in after the Skins started to sit defensive players, but we're pussies for letting it happen. Should Brady be throwing deep jump balls to Randy Moss when they're up 42 in the fourth quarter? It seems pretty ridiculous, so why not get them to stop? Instead of going up for the ball why not just keep your feet and flip that country motherfucker on his head?

Now that's football.

15 comments:

5150 said...

They'll get their comeuppance this Sunday.

Gotta believe Bob Sanders is keeping something special for Randy Moss. Hopefully Freeney will put the elbow to Brady's knee.

That's a clean hit, ask anybody.

JAMMQ said...

How nobody on the Redsking defense didn't lay out Brady when it was pretty obvious they were running up the score WAS pretty pussified.

dick_gozinia said...

How soon until the Brady's Knee Bounty get another crisp Andrew Jackson tossed in?

And when does the Randy Moss hamstring bounty start?

Oh...and the Patriots are going 17-0 this year. The Colts will lose by 20 minimum.

Russianator said...

Jesse Boulerice is unemployed, this running up the score bullshit ends when someone signs him and sends him out there in the 4th quarter, besides, he could probably use $30.

lieutenant winslow said...

as a spurrier apologist once told me.

if you want them to stop scoring, declare the game a forfeit.

or, you know, stop them from scoring.

Slash said...

RE Here's where I stand on the issue, Brady is a dick, Gibbs is a pussy, and Belichick is an asshole.

Couldn't you pretty much plug any number of names in there in any given year and it would be accurate?

grungedave said...

Can we pre-emptively announce that Brady will be gracing the cover of Madden '09?

When does the curse officially kick-in?

Illegal Immigrant said...

Really, this as all the subject of bad game planning.

Gregg Williams was trying to prevent the Brady deep ball when he should've just given Sean Taylor a gun and said "That tall white dude stole your ATV."

Gibbs was trying to establish the run when he should've established some snipers on the Gillette Stadium roof to take out Bellicheck.

Maybe the players will be so pissed after this that they'll forget they're being coached by a bunch of farts that were members of the Royal Order of Water Buffalos and then kick the Jets' ass.

Dusty said...

Sweet ass spelunking Jesus--Nice Touch UM.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I think all of us commenters can go out and kick the Jets ass...did you see that performance yesterday?

If the Redskins need this ass-kicking as a wake up call to beat the Jets, they are worse off than Maj originially thought.

Elizabeth said...

I'm a skins fan. Agree with all that was said. I'm just all shades of angry about that game. Not that I expected to blow the Pats away, but seriously, we were demolished in a way that should not have happened.

Although maybe like the guy above said, this could be a wakeup call. But who knows with them.

gregdek said...

OMFG.

I really don't understand how it is that coaches aren't just sending 13 guys at Brady on every play. That's the entire defense, plus two gunners with 4.4 speed, running in from the sidelines. I mean, Christ, what's the downside? That they hang 45 points on you? Well, it's now quite evident that they're gonna do that anyway.

Tom Brady must learn fear. Where is Charles Martin when you need him? Oh yeah -- he's dead.

ben said...

Coach Allen, back in the day, would routinely target opposing QBs who kept playing too late in routs, sending overload blitzes from the blindside. He would reward players if they caused significant injuries.

Too bad Deacon Jones isn't playing anymore.

Tim said...

What's the difference between running up the score and touchdown dancing (which is outlawed by the league, damn near)? Both forms of sticking your opponent's face in your success, but only one is frowned upon league-wide with a rule?

lost said...

tim,

that would be the league-mandated 'play clock', which forces a team to continue to run plays until the game is over.

if the league is so concerned about the fragile egos of its players and their inability to comprehend large point differentials, they should change the rules.

give joe gibbs a white flag to put in his back pocket next to the red one and the picture of tony stewart with no pants on.