Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Shawne Merruhman, You Call Yourself A Steroid Abusuh?!


So I have flown all the way down from Sacramento to Sunday’s Chargers game, yes, expecting to see some of the greatest steroid abusuhs in the whole world. I flew down in my private jet, by the way, which was FANTASTIC AND WONDERFUL. And what do I get for my troubles, yes? I get you, Shawne Merruhman. Imagine my disappointment in finding you looking so lean, yes, and top-light. And to see that your forehead, yes, it has not expanded to the point of gross deformuhty.

Shawne Merruhman, you call yourself a steroid abusuh?!

I make big laugh at you. Ha ha ha ha. You are little more than a namby-pamby wurst-swallowuh, yes? How many hausfraus have you grabbed and made bangbang with lately? Back in 1979, I broke a personal best by groping over 765 asses in just one month, yes. And when I groped an ass, I groped it HARD, yes. I would tear it, the woman’s asscheek, clean off her body. She would never sit on a shittuh the same way again. If she wanted to make braunschweiger in the toilet, yes, she had to squat like a 1932 Vienna homosexual in a back alley. It was FANTASTIC AND WONDERFUL. Have you ever done such things as this, tiny little Shawne Merruhman? Then you cannot call yourself a true steroid abusuh, yes.

A true steroid abusuh, he does not research his steroids, yes, or know where they are coming from, the steroids. That is for little Heidis. I was dedicated, yes, to being a top bodybuilduh. And that meant I was willing to plunge into the unknown, or to plunge the unknown into me. One time I injected myself with this pure mercury, because this mercury, it is liquid metal and I wanted to be like the T-1000 and stab people and milk cartons with my liquid metal knife-arms. This did not work, yes, and sometimes I see diamond patterns now. But I am still more man than you, miniature Shawne Merruhman. You would not be as willing to split open a homeless man and devour his pancreas. I did do this, yes, and now I am governuh of Colliefuniuh. And I am a Kennedy, which is FANTASTIC AND WONDERFUL. Let us see you rape your way to the top, with this rape, as I have, yes!

If you were as dedicated to the art of the body as I was, eensy weensy Shawne Merruhman, you would have been able to do something about these terribuh wildfiruhs plaguing the FANTASTIC state of Colliefuniuh. I stopped them, the wildfires, yes, personally over the weekend. You know how I did this? I took this old, unwashed tank top of mine, then I flew up in my private heluhcopter (which is FANTASTIC AND WONDERFUL), and then I wrung this sweat out, yes, onto the fiuh. Not only did the fiuh go down, but this fiuh, it promised to stay away so long as it never had to be subjected to my steroid-enhanced stench.

I bet you have very small testuhcles as well. This problem did not plague me, yes, because I used these, the steroids, to grow my entire body. I often injected them, the steroids, yes, directly into my luftballoons. As a result, my testuhcles are now 15” in diameter each, which is FANTASTIC. Are you FANTASTIC such as this? Ich don’t think so.

Shawne Merruhman, you are not a real steroid abusuh, yes. You are just a very small man. My father, he would laugh at your puny frame, yes, and mixed ancestry. Then he would take his schnitzel, yes, and stick it in your Holstein. Then he would include you in our Austrian hamlet’s annual Braising of the Jews, where we braise them, the Jews. Because we Austrians have real dedicaytion. You are not a real man, yes. Let me show you what a real man looks like. Look at this:


This is a REAL MAN: a real man, yes, who knows what it takes to grow his body with this sheep spittle and discarded uranium. This is how a real steroid abusuh does these things. It is FANTASTIC, yes.

27 comments:

Mike said...

Excellent.

John S. said...

You have to read it fo-net-ik-lee for maximum effect.... ja!

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

I expect political commentary like this from The Big Lead, but KSK?

roy said...

Luftballoons---OMG! Pissing my pants. Great stuff.

the great bambi said...

so would ah-nuld say shawne is a guhly man?

Smello said...

Let us see you rape your way to the top, with this rape, as I have, yes!

You said rape twice.

I like rape.

Really, it never gets old.

Howie Feltersnatch said...

Ma-ree-ah my mighty heart is breaking when I look at ze puny body of Merruhman. Es ist Scheiße.

I be in ze Humvee mit mein über comfortable lederhosen.

Captain Caveman said...

"Milk are for babies, when you get older you drink beer."

Russianator said...

further proof is your girly man dance you do after sacks, pose shawn, not dance

Captain Caveman said...

"And so can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like getting the feeling of coming in a gym, I'm getting the feeling of coming at home, I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up, when I pose in front of 5,000 people, I get the same feeling, so I am coming day and night. I mean, it's terrific. Right? So you know, I am in heaven."

Hello, anyone?

I guess Pumping Iron isn't required viewing for bloggers.

the great bambi said...

you know what waz uh good movie? da 6th day, can u imagine how fantastic and wundubar it would be if dere vere two ah-nulds in da vurld? there would be no need for drug testing because we would use all de steroids pumping up our perfect bodies, den we would kill all de terrorists and put out all de fires, your wimpy tsunamis? DONE, hurricanes? please, u make both ah-nulds laugh...which could cause anudda hurricane for us to contain, tornados? who doesn't like a good spin, earthquakes? hey, ah-nuld can't help how massively fantastic and wundubar his orgasms are, so, if you dink dis is a good idea, vote for me, de govenator of california for your next president and i vill make it happen

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

@CC - The VCR in my basement is broken.

Upstate Underdog said...

CC, I got the Pumping Iron reference, but then again I am over the age of 35 and that movie is 30 years old.

JAMMQ said...

KSK . . . internationlly renowned for making dick-jokes in different languages.

"We are here to pump . . .

(clap clap)

. . . you up!!!

Jarrett Carter said...

I thought this would have something to do with Playboy playmates.

Pemulis said...

It's as satisfying to me as, uh, coming is, you know? As, ah, having sex with a woman and coming. And so can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like, uh, getting the feeling of coming in a gym, I'm getting the feeling of coming at home, I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up, when I pose in front of 5,000 people, I get the same feeling, so I am coming day and night. I mean, it's terrific. Right? So you know, I am in heaven.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Arnold is going to come and kick your ass for this post Drew.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Listen to me nohw und believe me latuh, dis game cowld football is for pansies, wee little pansies. Not like us real abusahs who raped and pillaged for fun...

YES!

Andrew said...

Uh, Drew? This is great and all, but Packer fans abroad are kind of waiting for a bile-spewing rant, personal renunciation of God, and acceptance of Satan as lord and mastuh.

Dusty said...

BDD, you got the California pronunciation perfect..kudos dude.

Since Ahnuld was a pot smoker, can we blame his lack of intelligence or his inability to speak correctly, after living for decades in the fucking state on that?

Nah...

smurphette said...

Peter King in yesterday's MMQB:

"m. Love Joe Buck's perspective."

Of course you do. Fuckface.

Otto Man said...

CC beat me to it. God, I love that movie.

Ken Dynamo said...

franco is like a child and i am his fadah. and sometimes he will come to me for advices, but den i will give him, da wrong advices.

ahnold is numero uno!

darthmoridin said...

Wow. This is most excellent.

AngstOne said...

Shawun Maheehman -- I haf Shaizer that come out uv my azz vis more muscle than you.

And iv you vant to see a real man Blitz, look at ze home movies uv my fathhur rolling into Poland.

DigitalHeadbutt said...

Shawne Merruhman can sluhp the Guhvuhrnator's "action figure".

mikehasgas said...

Anyone see this:

http://www.chargers.com/news/advanced-media-player.php?reference=5-Sw_mfr_t-SAWuqjGU6Adr4I-J66SMJi4K44lZO_mM

Not much of a coin flip, he just kind of drops the thing on the ground.