So I have flown all the way down from Sacramento to Sunday’s Chargers game, yes, expecting to see some of the greatest steroid abusuhs in the whole world. I flew down in my private jet, by the way, which was FANTASTIC AND WONDERFUL. And what do I get for my troubles, yes? I get you, Shawne Merruhman. Imagine my disappointment in finding you looking so lean, yes, and top-light. And to see that your forehead, yes, it has not expanded to the point of gross deformuhty.
Shawne Merruhman, you call yourself a steroid abusuh?!
I make big laugh at you. Ha ha ha ha. You are little more than a namby-pamby wurst-swallowuh, yes? How many hausfraus have you grabbed and made bangbang with lately? Back in 1979, I broke a personal best by groping over 765 asses in just one month, yes. And when I groped an ass, I groped it HARD, yes. I would tear it, the woman’s asscheek, clean off her body. She would never sit on a shittuh the same way again. If she wanted to make braunschweiger in the toilet, yes, she had to squat like a 1932 Vienna homosexual in a back alley. It was FANTASTIC AND WONDERFUL. Have you ever done such things as this, tiny little Shawne Merruhman? Then you cannot call yourself a true steroid abusuh, yes.
A true steroid abusuh, he does not research his steroids, yes, or know where they are coming from, the steroids. That is for little Heidis. I was dedicated, yes, to being a top bodybuilduh. And that meant I was willing to plunge into the unknown, or to plunge the unknown into me. One time I injected myself with this pure mercury, because this mercury, it is liquid metal and I wanted to be like the T-1000 and stab people and milk cartons with my liquid metal knife-arms. This did not work, yes, and sometimes I see diamond patterns now. But I am still more man than you, miniature Shawne Merruhman. You would not be as willing to split open a homeless man and devour his pancreas. I did do this, yes, and now I am governuh of Colliefuniuh. And I am a Kennedy, which is FANTASTIC AND WONDERFUL. Let us see you rape your way to the top, with this rape, as I have, yes!
If you were as dedicated to the art of the body as I was, eensy weensy Shawne Merruhman, you would have been able to do something about these terribuh wildfiruhs plaguing the FANTASTIC state of Colliefuniuh. I stopped them, the wildfires, yes, personally over the weekend. You know how I did this? I took this old, unwashed tank top of mine, then I flew up in my private heluhcopter (which is FANTASTIC AND WONDERFUL), and then I wrung this sweat out, yes, onto the fiuh. Not only did the fiuh go down, but this fiuh, it promised to stay away so long as it never had to be subjected to my steroid-enhanced stench.
I bet you have very small testuhcles as well. This problem did not plague me, yes, because I used these, the steroids, to grow my entire body. I often injected them, the steroids, yes, directly into my luftballoons. As a result, my testuhcles are now 15” in diameter each, which is FANTASTIC. Are you FANTASTIC such as this? Ich don’t think so.
Shawne Merruhman, you are not a real steroid abusuh, yes. You are just a very small man. My father, he would laugh at your puny frame, yes, and mixed ancestry. Then he would take his schnitzel, yes, and stick it in your Holstein. Then he would include you in our Austrian hamlet’s annual Braising of the Jews, where we braise them, the Jews. Because we Austrians have real dedicaytion. You are not a real man, yes. Let me show you what a real man looks like. Look at this:
This is a REAL MAN: a real man, yes, who knows what it takes to grow his body with this sheep spittle and discarded uranium. This is how a real steroid abusuh does these things. It is FANTASTIC, yes.