Thursday, October 18, 2007

KSK Celebrity Guest NFL Analyst! The White Stripes!


Sometimes we at KSK have the good fortune of having a celebrity or two drop in to offer their insight on the NFL. Today, I’m pleased to welcome Jack White and Meg White of the White Stripes. Jack and Meg call themselves brother and sister. The media reports that they are actually a former married couple. The truth, of course, is that they are both.

Jack: I don’t understand this whole NFL thing. It just feels so brutish to me. Doesn’t it, Meg?

Meg: Yes. It does.

Jack: I mean, the whole thing just feeds into this disgusting male mentality that glorifies violence and menaces women. I find the male animal to be a horrible creature: shallow, depraved, and manipulative. Don’t you think, Meg?

Meg: Yes. I do.

Jack: That said, I do like those Detroit Lions. I think they’ll win this week. Don’t you, Meg?

Meg: Yes. I do.

Jack: Meg, what’s your favorite team?

Meg: Whatever your favorite team is, Jack.

Jack: Well, like I said, I like the Lions.

Meg: Then I like the Lions.

Jack: Meg, who’s your favorite player?

Meg: Whoever your favorite player is, Jack.

Jack: Mine is Ernie Sims

Meg: Then I like Ernie Sims.

Jack: Meg, you are the last true innocent creature left on the earth. I see in you the hope and brightness of a newborn child.

Meg: I see that, too.

Jack: You are my muse. Together, this artificial world cannot infiltrate the pureness of our friendship. Now take that brick over there and bash yourself in the head with it.

Meg: Okay.

(picks up brick and bashes herself in the head with it)

Jack: Now go wander out into that busy street for me.

Meg: Okay.

(wanders into busy street and is hit by a Cadillac)

Jack: Now I want you to stick yourself with this syringe I found on the beach.


Meg: Okay.

(sticks herself syringe he found on the beach)

Jack: Now I want you to sit over in the corner and watch me while I have sex with my new wife. And I want you to blow this dog while I do it.


Meg: Okay.

(sits over in the corner and watches while Jack has sex with his new wife. Blows dog)

Jack: I feel so inspired by your strength and courage, Meg. Let’s spend the next five minutes cutting an album with just two good songs and a shitload of half-assed ideas.

Meg: Okay.

(Five minutes pass. Album is produced with Jack playing all instruments including drums. Album is released. Gets a 9 from NME.)

Jack: Let us now have some candy.

Meg: Okay.

Jack: Actually, I’m just gonna go get some candy for myself. I’d like you to sit here and stare at this blank wall until I get back.

Meg: Okay.

(stares)

76 comments:

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

I never realized how much Meg looks like loretta lynn. Sleeping with a country music icon that is twice your age and looks like your ex-wife who you claim is your sister...

Yeah, I could believe the dog thing.

UncleBad said...

I read aloud to Jack your pathetic attempt at humor and this was his reply:

"Why Can't You Be Nicer To Me?"

Somebody's screaming
looking at the ceilling
everything's so funny
I don't have the money
people don't even know me
but they know how to show me

Why can't you be nicer to me?
-Meg

Rusty said...

"I Smell a Rat" is one of their weaker efforts. But "Catch Hell Blues" will melt your face off. And their cover of "Death Letter" is so good that it's definitive.

But then again we're dealing with music criticism from someone who still has their fingers crossed that Metallica will come out with one more good album.

Big Daddy Drew said...

It could happen!

Josh said...

The Black Keys? Shit, I think even they forgot they existed.

Upstate Underdog said...

@rusty, everyone should be hoping for one more good Metallica album.

/puts on "Kill Em'All" followed by "Master of Puppets"

Captain Caveman said...

I can't take any critique of the White Stripes seriously unless the critic in question has taken the requisite two-hour break from masturbating and listening to Queens of the Stone Age to enjoy the religious experience of a White Stripes show live.

Wormfather said...

Their only song worth shit was Seven Nation Army...dont get me wrong, it makes the Top 100 Songs of my Life with host Ryan Secrest...but that album was an abomination of god...much like the rest of their works.

Incubus Rules!!!

Bryan said...

I liked this relationship better when it was in Coming to America.

Wormfather said...

@CC nothing on their albums makes me want to see it in person.

They wernt worth the bandwith I used to illigally download them.

This is going to get worse than a RaFlaWa

Big Daddy Drew said...

Uh oh! Music flame war!

whowillsexmutombo? said...

So I guess it's true that once you have a kid you immediately stop knowing shit about anything other than minivans and diapers. Good to know.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"Elephant" was "an abomination of god"?
Jesus, someone please get wormfather his meds before he walks into another wall.

Jackin'4Beats said...

What kind of gay rodeo outfit was that guy wearing? They look like they could rob a stagecoach or something...

Upstate Underdog said...

MuFlaWa !

@WWSm, you forgot all the great kid shows you get to know about that go along with those minivans and diapers.

Pemulis said...

the white stripes fucking blow. and seriouosly. any band that needs a fucking retarded gimmick "hey, how about we only do things with the colors red and white!" can suck a cock.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I also like Snow Patrol. So, by all means, light into me.

Pemulis said...

but snow patrol shares members with The Reindeer Section, who had members of Mogwai, so you can still maintain some indie cred and like them.

flubby said...

@ josh: the Black Keys are doing an album with Ike Turner & Danger Mouse... that ought to be worth a spin

feep said...

whenever i think of snow patrol, i think of the canadian white sort of rapper snow.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

People who toss around the expression "indie cred" without even a hint of irony can go ahead and step to the front of the cock sucking line...

flubby said...

@ feep:

licky boom boom down

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

For my money it doesn't get any better than the fray.

Chamomiles Davis said...

pemulis,

Thank God KISS never felt they had to resort to gimmicks just to sell albums.

[/tongue in cheek]

Barry said...

The Black Keys DO own Jack White, but those guys are some ugly dudes. I don't think even Meg would blow 'em.

Pemulis said...

chamomiles davis,


well yea.... KISS can suck a dick too.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

I think we need some help here from Indie Marketing Guru Clell Tickle.

Wormfather said...

@BBD I like Snow Patrol too. When I listen to "Light Fire to the Third Rail" I feel like I'm high...which helps get through the day.

Ruthless Gravity said...

Mogwai is underrated.

kurt said...

So who's seen Meg's alleged sex tape?

/Not gonna be able to find that link from my work computer

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

This discussion has also led me to put on a Metallica album

JAMMQ said...

. . . the religious experience of a White Stripes show live.

And the transformation from being a trained weapon of death Marine to Brooklyn hipster writer is complete.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

@kurt - Don't bother, it wasn't even Meg White...



...Jack played both parts.

Wormfather said...

@tech...now that's a fucking good band. Did you know that that song Over My Head (Cable Car) is about the lead's brother who they had to kick out of the band...sweet.

Also Kean, totally underrated.

Just in case you've forgotten, White Strips still suck...But then again, I cant stand The Boss, so what do I know.

MuFlaWa

Wormfather said...

Sorry, Keane*

Big Daddy Drew said...

Keane?

GUHHHHHHHHHH.

Wormfather said...

@BDD Keane is the balls man "They're kind of like coldplay, except, ya know, good"

Josh said...

jesus christ, is wormfather serious?

the best cock-rock band on earth right now is the Eagles of Death Metal, fwiw.

Wormfather said...

Besides, dont you have a Jambaroo article to write, or something of the sort?

Slash said...

The Black Keys rule.

And that dog is hot...

Pemulis said...

the best (worst?) cock rock band of recent memory has to be Unband... you may recognize them as the folks who play that song in the opening credits of Super Troopers (Jeez Louise)... anyway like forever ago i saw them open for Ash and had never heard of them and they were drunk and ridiculous and promoting their album, called "Retarder"

Upstate Underdog said...

What no "Death Cab for Cutie" fans?

ben said...

Another vote for the awesomeness of The Black Keys.

And to be fair, he hasn't clarified what kind of "religious experience" it was. It could've been, you know, circumcision.

Captain Caveman said...

And the transformation from being a trained weapon of death Marine to Brooklyn hipster writer is complete.

I listened to the Stripes while I was still in the Marines. Most of my Marines preferred Disturbed, which -- to be fair -- has a place on the company tactical radio when you invade a sovereign nation.

Pemulis said...

i imagine the white stripes religious experience he means is much like that of the catholic transubstantiation. he's the priest telling us that its really happening, and sure some of you folks might believe him, but sure as hell still tastes like wine and crackers to me

Signal to Noise said...

Like both the White Stripes and the Black Keys, but frankly, the Keys are just better.

I know the whole point of having Meg play drums is the whole "simplicity" thing, but it gets kind of dull.

Big Jim Slade said...

@pemulis

Good call on Unband...their song that plays over the end credits is pretty deece , too. As for unmitigated "Coque Roque"? Upper Crust, hands down.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Fugazi

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Did Jack White Fuck Pemulis's girlfriend or mother or something? Not liking a band is fine, but christ, we're taking this hatred a bit personally...

Wormfather said...

@Upstate I love Death Cab...

Lets see, we have.

Keane
The Fray
Snow Patrol
Death Cab for Cutie

I now know what everyone know what everyone else has known for years...I'm gay.

I've got to call my fiancee.

Pemulis said...

whowillsexmutombo,


both, at the same time... while i was chained to a radiator and forced to watch :(

Upstate Underdog said...

@wormfather, I like The Smiths. Yeah, I'm old.

Grimey said...

Pemulis must be the lead singer of the Von Bondies. I wonder if his face still hurts

The Pirate Sloth said...

CC, when I invade a country, I tend to listen to Bolten, Fiona Apple, Bryan Adams, and Carly Simon. Whats with this "Disturbed" people you talk of?

Ben said...

Screw you, the Stripes are awesome. See them in person! Still pretty damn funny though... reminds me a little of that Barry Gibb Talk Show skit on SNL (aka the only funny thing Jimmy Fallon has ever done).

Johnny Cockring said...

Religious experience: onanistic self-flagellation?

I'm looking for the '10 yards of akwardness' tag; Meg sounds just like Marc Bulger to me. Right down to the dog-slobbin' on command.

lastly, is that a fucking Trabant? the only thing scarier than a roadside syringe is an Eastern European roadside syringe. Actually, Jerry Jones' new face is scarier than all of the above.

JAMMQ said...

I listened to the Stripes while I was still in the Marines. Most of my Marines preferred Disturbed, which -- to be fair -- has a place on the company tactical radio when you invade a sovereign nation.

I guess its slim pickings when your on the outskirts of Diwaniyah doing "stand-to's". Godspeed.

dick_gozinia said...

@wormfather - If you state that the White Stripes suck and follow that argument with, "but i like The Fray" or "Incubus rules!" you deserve a solid round of cock punching.

I'm not the biggest Stripes fan in the world, but c'mon...they are higher on the food chain than the other lowlifes you mentioned.

I got religion at 2 shows in my life - QOTSA and Tool's Aenima tour.

Also...
Ride the Lightning > everything else

Chamomiles Davis said...

Whether you think the White Stripes suck or not, you've got to admit that Meg White has some tig 'ol bitties.

Matt said...

@wormfather:

When you get dragged to a Matt Nathanson show, let me know so I can cut off your balls appropriately.

It doesn't hurt that bad, I assure you...

/another 20-something whipped engaged male

Wormfather said...

@Matt my wife to be is British so I get stuck listening to The Beautiful South and Regee for 3 fucking hours while we drive to Boston/philly/me insane.

I need a little tiiiiiiime

/manhood

SDW said...

Rock:
Black Keys
Snow Patrol
Electric Six
The Format

Sort of Rock. Kind of, if you're in the mood:
The Fray. (Damn nice guys, those guys. And if you like them, you'll like Meese and Lazyface. Also from Denver.)
The White Stripes (too gimmicky for me. "Oh, we're brother and sister. Wait, we're married. Wait, all our shit looks like a mint from a Chinese food restaurant. We are awesome!" Blah.)

Suck:
White Stripes (I Smell a Rat IS a fucking horrible song)
The Fray (Seriously. A new album, please. If I hear "How to Save a Life" again, I'm going to start taking lives)

Glad I could clear that up for you all.

SDW said...

Ooh, forgot Jamie T in the "Rock" category. For those of you who like Brit chavs.

JAMMQ said...

Enough already!

You people are acting like this is a Ladies... blog. Stop!

(Can I get an "I always hurt the ones I love" tag under that?)

miamidiesel said...

Fuck this MuFlaWa. It's 2:38pm - do you know where Drew's Jamboroo is? I've waited patiently for 2:30pm all day, and now I'm being hit with this alternative form of clockblock. BDD, the white towels for you to wipe your ass on will always be there waiting for you - post the goddamn dick jokes already...

Alter said...

I like the White Stripes.

I like Jack White, especially now that he lives in Nashville. Go Titans!

I like Peter King's MMQ column. He says some stupid things sometimes, but he's a pretty good writer most of the time.

I like Bill Simmons. He used to be very funny. Now he's somewhat funny. I'm okay with that.

I like McDonalds, Burger King, and Wendys.

I like cheap or expensive beer. I don't really care what's on the label.

I like lots of things, but I don't like your favorite band, especially when you're so eager to tell me about them. Just enjoy their music and shut up. No need to evangelize some obscure band just to make yourself appear to have discriminating tastes.

Slash said...

RE "... has a place on the company tactical radio when you invade a sovereign nation."

Can that be our next draft, Songs to Play While Invading a Sovereign Nation?

big skinny said...

When I get back to work drunk, I don't want to see the fucking White Stripes. At least post the Jamboroo here so I don't have to dance all over the place to find something good to read. Shit!

smurphette said...

Speaking of the Jamboroo, Drew, could you please post a guy who is actually sexually desirable in the masturbation section? McDouchey and Tim McGraw, really? Fuck and hell no. Peter Gallagher?!? Um, ew. You started out with such promise (Clive Owen) and it's only been down hill from there. It's like you don't really believe we like to get ourselves off.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

the fray? THE FRAY? the only words that should follow their mentioning is "suck" and "disbanded."

I'm shocked at the level of gay, whiny, hipster music most of you will admit to listening to.

Only good bands mentioned here:
TOOL
QOTSA
Eagles of Death Metal (1st album)
Metallica (pre-1990)
White Stripes

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

But the fray just goes so well with Grey's Anatomy!

favian said...

i always find it funny that other people who like the white stripes always have similar taste

yes best rock bands in the past 20 years

metallica (pre 90)
tool
radiohead
the white stripes

i'mnot big on nirvana but they are important so i would throw them in there out of necessity. the one thing jack white has never been guilty of is including album filler or half baked ideas. everything he touches is GOLD.

Jez said...

Tool. Huh.
Metallic peaked at "Puppets." Kinda makes you think that Cliff Burton was not only the bass player, but the soul of the band. Once that bush smashed him, the band lost their way. And yes, I called them "Metallic."

Rip Slagcheek said...

lol neutral milk hotel

vitustinnitus said...

some of the good bands in this thread: mogwai, fugazi

bands that are alright: neutral milk hotel, eagles of death metal, metallica (only alright due to their later catalog sucking).

the rest of you should have your hearing privileges revoked.

since i haven't heard the album, is "i smell a rat" a cover of the big mama thornton version? please tell me it isn't.

Jay said...

"Ctrl + F - "Iron Maiden" not found."

...I am obligated to keep loving you ksk so I will take out my anger on my own body. Let's go to McDonalds. I'm also only a little bit shameful of the fact I'd happily bang Meg without being drunk.