Tuesday, October 30, 2007

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE – The Bounty On Tom Brady’s Knees Raised to $50 (Plus Bag Of Reese’s Cups)


It’s Halloween tomorrow, and the scariest thing about the holiday this year is that it’s midway through the NFL season and no defender has had the guts, nay, the overly swollen gonads, to take me up on my offer of $30 American dollars to snap Tom Brady’s legs like a Snyder’s of Hanover pretzel rod. What’s the matter, NFL defenders? Too goddamn CHICKEN to rob a man of his livelihood and deprive football fans of watching the best team in NFL history take shape?

Pretty pathetic.

You people are nothing but a bunch of cowards. Which one of you will finally have the courage to deliver a late hit to Brady’s tibia well after the whistle has blown? My old o-line coach used to tell us to keep hitting through the “echo of the whistle”. Now, you’re playing your games in quite a large stadium, so I’m sure the whistle is still echoing a good five minutes after the play has ended. An extremely late and vicious hit would then be legal. At least, it would be to me, and that’s all that really matters. Yet none of you have been able to sack up and carry out this vital task.

I’m the one laying it all on the line here. I’m the one who had the courage to step up to the plate, anonymously and online, and ask someone to do my dirty work for me. That takes balls. That takes grit. That takes gumption. And others have stood up and taken notice. That’s right, the Tom Brady Knee Bounty Sensation is sweeping across the nation. Americans from all over have emailed in, asking to donate $20 of their own. These are good, hard-working people, people who deserve to see a man who has everything crippled on live national television.

It’s a grass roots campaign that’s spreading like goddamn wildfire. Why, just check out this guy with an acoustic guitar and a pirated copy of Final Cut. Or, how about an endorsement a little known guy named Michael freakin’ Wilbon?! To wit:

…if I was on the opposing team, I'd hit Tom Brady with everything I had as late as I could and take the penalty and join the fight that would surely follow. Football is a violent game and there's got to be somebody out there sharpening his fangs for the Patriots Golden Boy in the 4th quarter one of these weeks.

That’s right, kids. No need to read any deeper into the context. Michael Wilbon completely and unequivocally supports the KSK bounty on Tom Brady’s kneecaps. Finally, the mainstream media shows a little courage in their convictions.

And yet, here we are, NFL defenders. It’s midseason, and you’ve continued to let all of us down. You should be ashamed. You should go home right now and cut off your finger as penance, just like that one dude in “Black Rain” did.

Well, perhaps you need a bit more motivation. Perhaps drastic measures are needed here. Perhaps it is time… TO RAISE THE BOUNTY TO FIFTY WHOLE DOLLARS!!!!!


That’s right. Soak it in, NFL defenders. That’s Ulysses S. staring you right in the motherfuckin’ grill. He was one of our worst presidents ever, but the man rocked one hell of a beard. With this single $50 bill, your life could change FOREVER! Think of things you could buy:

-Showtime Rotisserie Grill (Set it and forget it, bitches)
-“Are You Being Served?” DVD box set
-Synthetic hair extensions
-Bottle of top shelf liquor (not for drinking, but for interior design purposes)
-Lunch for two at Houston’s (if you don’t order any alcohol)
-Balsa wood model boat kit
-Very large bag of asparagus

Holy fuck, that’s some good shit. But that’s not all. Act now, and I’m also throwing in this special Halloween bonus: an entire bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup singles.


That’s right. The Mona Lisa of trick-or-treating candy. No need to go from house to house dressed like Jacinth Baker with a knife sticking out of your chest. No need to knock on doors, hoping for a Reese’s cup (or a Fun Size Snickers. Snickers minis are horseshit), getting a roll of fucking Smarties, and then pissing on the side of the neighbor’s house. No, I’m giving you the good stuff directly.

So man up, Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis. I got $50 and some delightful Halloween treats for you if you give Tom Brady’s calf a good forearm shiver. C’mon, guys. He rocked a pageboy cap in his last press conference. Don’t you just want to tear that motherfucker to pieces? Don’t let me down.

No, strike that. Don’t let AMERICA down.

39 comments:

deafjeff said...

I think JP Losman is going to try to talk the coaches into letting him play some DT in a couple weeks. Pay back is indeed a bitch. Wolfolk better not rest too easy either.

Five Pound Bag said...

ahh, go wash u ass

JAMMQ said...

That black & white picture of Brady should infuriate any defensive player who's a real man to get to chopping on them knees.

Too goddamn CHICKEN to rob a man of his livelihood and deprive football fans of watching the best team in NFL history take shape?

I'm not liking the sarcasm, I really do want him to get hurt.

Last week was the last straw in assholish arrogance by the Pats.

Unfortunately, like I have said, I don't think it's going to happen until they play Baltimore.

Ray Lewis wants those Reese's . . .

Wesley said...

I'm a pats fan i like Brady but that hat was wicked gay

JAMMQ said...

I guess the lack of commenting really proves that this blog is read by a bunch of degenerates who are passed out drunk by 9 p.m.,

. . . or over at Deadspin sucking on Lady Andrea's teets at night . . .

Upstate Underdog said...

fuck it, i'll throw in 100 Grand....bar. that is one tasty candy bar.

Food Court Lunch said...

Only ten bucks for Peyton? But the man was wearing a Ram Jam t-shirt in HIS last press conference...probably.

Gourmet Spud said...

Drew, you're going about this all wrong. What you want to do is give Giselle gonorrhea. You'd have no shortage of takers, and you'd save yourself $50.

Brian said...

Talking about a different team, Texans DE N.D. Kalu makes it clear he's at least on board with the concept:

"...maybe we should have a dirty hit on their quarterback," he said. "I'll pitch in and get the fine. We just don't have that mentality and maybe we should get it.""

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3087111

SlideShow Bob said...

Ive heard Bob Sanders is a Milky Way man.

rar288 said...

If you don't eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups then Fuck You.

Ben said...

Ya boy Gregg Easterbrook also supported this health assassination in his latest TMQ

smurphette said...

Reese's peanut butter cups are the balls.

Travis said...

Reese's pieces really don't get enough credit. They are a fucking delicious alternative and are a perfect ice cream additive.

Also, that hat Brady was wearing was straight up the gayest shit he's pulled yet. Gayer than holding goats even. I hope Freeney is man enough to blow up Tom's ACL and the Indy crown man enough to boo as he is being carted off.

J.L. White said...

Shit, I'm fucking sick and tired of this Brady bullshit, man. I got some dude in my fantasy football league, who let his little kid draft his team. This fool kid drafts Brady in the 1st round, and also gets Wes Welker, Donte Stallworth and the Pats D waaaaaay too early. Cut to the chase, dude is winning almost every fucking week.

Dammit, some mo'fucker needs to get Brady capped, and quick. Put me down for another $20 on the bounty, plus a bag of those Buttfinger Creme fun-sized bars. That shit is delicious.

ben said...

Tom Brady's gayest hat ever is here, if you skip fwd a bit.

miamidiesel said...

I'm in for $100 on top of BDD's $50, and I'll throw in a bag of Jelly Belly jelly beans, which taste FANTASTIC and WONDERFUL (though not anywhere near as good as Lady Andrea's teets I would imagine). I hope Bob Sanders brings a fuckin AK-47 to the game to take out Brady, but if not, I just have a feeling that God's linebacker and "Ace" Billick would relish an opportunity to stick it to Belicheck by stomping Brady's nuts back up into his abdomen. Bonus points because if Brady's nuts are stomped back into his pelvic cavity, Brady would actually sound like every other male from Boston.

P.S. I'm also willing to sacrifice myself to give Gisele gonorrhea.

SlideShow Bob said...

yah im with Travis about Rieces Pieces. but i gotta ask, does anyone else try and eat one of every color at the same time? you know so u get all flavors. granted the idea that they hav flavors is rediculous but i cant help it for some reason.

Mike said...

Can the Fed print enough money for the bounty to the guy who caps Brady while simultaneously sending him flying into Belichek?

I think a Congressional Medal of Honor would be due to man who takes 'em both out.

Les Savy Ferd said...

@Ben. wow, just wow. I was thinking to myself, how gay can a hat be? and then there it was.

john said...

"Talking about a different team, Texans DE N.D. Kalu makes it clear he's at least on board with the concept:

"...maybe we should have a dirty hit on their quarterback," he said. "I'll pitch in and get the fine. We just don't have that mentality and maybe we should get it."

I would hope he would pitch in on the fine. With 1 sack and 4 tackles this year, it's rather unlikely that he'll get to QB on his own.

Jim U. said...

Is this bonty open to regular folks, because Mike Tyson could go for some Reese's.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I didn't know Tom Brady was a member of N'Sync? OK, someone...please...take out Tom Brady and his coach? Freeney, Sanders, Mathis, we're not fuckin' around anymore...make Brady squeal like a pig. Not only are you guys getting $50, reeses penut butter cups, jelly bellies, milky ways and snickers, but I will throw in the ultimate candy bar.

No need to thank me now, just kill that muthafucka on Sunday.

/anger

Chamomiles Davis said...

j4b,

Whatchamacallits are the A-bomb. Nothing else satisfies the munchies in quite the same way.

StuScottBooyahs said...

i'm not seeing a bright future in the "pure class" tag

Nick said...

Wow, you can't even read this site anymore if you're a fan of NE sports. It's been fun, later peeps.

Barry said...

Nick. take a joke man. I'm a big Pats fan and I dont' take offense to this. It's fucking funny! Don't you see that he's respecting the greatness of the patriots when writing this? The point is, if you don't take out Tom's knee nobody has a chance of beating us.

Jelly B. Good said...

Take out Manning too. I'd throw in a box of Milk Duds and a six pack of Haffenreffer. Then we could have Tony Homo (bet he has some nice gay hats) win the Pooper Bowl.

mind... said...

I thought the hat was pretty cool.

Seriously.

LaRons said...

Fuck the knee, break off his cock and then shove it down Bellichicks throat where it belongs.

Kunal said...

Why take out Brady? You're being too short-sighted. Take out Bellicheck himself. He could be targeted much more easily by a runaway Jeff Saturday who happens to pancake him. Cut the head off the monster, and bring peace back to the nation.

Dusty said...

Oh snap! larons has the right idea.

brad said...

@kunal

Right idea, wrong guy. Bruschi's the one who has to go down. He's the one holding this thing together. Remember, Bruschi and a bunch of scrubs won 3 Super Bowls, while Belichick and a bunch of scrubs lost to Denver and Indy the last two years.

dick_gozinia said...

I'd like to pour a bucket of killer bees down the back of Belichick's fucking hoodie.

And I thoroughly approve of any attempts on breaking the integrity of Tom Brady's joints.

I thank God they don't play my Seahawks this year because I might lose my shit if they did.

lost said...

looking into the future...

Three Ravens tear off all of Brady's lower extremities, one per.

Ray Lewis jumps on top of the pile, claiming the bounty as his own.

Drew complies.

/miss cleo

Reesey cups may be god's candy, but I gotta roll with the guys who say watchamacallit is teh best candy bar for mortals

Jackin'4Beats said...

@ chamomiles davis and lost: whatchamacallits are definitely the bombest of all chocolate bars with Baby Ruth's being a close second.

I agree with all forms of mutilation and torture of both Brady and Belicheat. Why can't we just take 'em out William Wallace style? Nothing beats riding into your house and catching a Battle Ready Flail in da face.

Allen Crawford said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allen Crawford said...

You may be making some headway...

Cowher: Brady could be target of cheap shot

bishop said...

couldn't find that box set for under 75. this is bullshit. raise the bounty.