Wednesday, October 24, 2007

NFL PostSecret Week 7: Where Secrets Are Kept But Gently Mocked

It's an unfortunate world we live in when someone feels so hemmed in by the pressures of society that the only way they feel they can confide in someone is to mail an artfully constructed postcard to some dude in Germantown, MD who packages them together and sells them in bounded collections. Well, the NFL is even more harsh and doubly forbidding of confession, but those struggling with it can always turn to NFL PostSecret. At least we aren't making money off their pain. That's only for the league to do.

NFL PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where players and coaches or whoever I feel like making fun of mails in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It's also a satire of this.

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, October 23, 2007 9:26 PM
Subject: Die

At least Ape gets to go to hell.


-----Email Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, October 23, 2007 9:26 PM
Subject: CFL weed

Has hints of maple syrup!

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Tuesday, October 23, 2007 9:26 PM
Subject: Drew**

kid u are a hypocrite cuz i bet u neva saiid all that shit u said in ur blog (which by the way makes u fuckin fat virgin geek fuck that spends his time writing blogs i mean who the fuck does that u fuckin fat fuck...ur gonna die a virgin kid) to someone while u lived in the greater Boston area....ur a fuckin loser kid u think the whole nation "hates" us...ur so fuckin retarded kid like the whole nation is gonna think of one issue and that issue being Boston fans and their GOOD fuckin teams in every sport......ur fuckin dellusional and stupid...u and ur little crew of Boston haters are like 10 percent of the whole american sport fans...kid by u writing all that bullshit u wrote in ur blog u made urself sound stupid, c'mon bro grow the fuck up, find a girl, get laid for once, lose some weight, and get out of ur mothers basement, and stop playin halo 2 cuz all yall computer geeks are fuckin inlove with halo.....

**Excerpt from actual e-mail Drew received in response to his Boston sports fan post.

59 comments:

Slash said...

"grow the fuck up" from someone who renders "you're" and "you" as "ur" and "u." Together with 4th-grade-level sexually-themed taunts and the always-awesome-never-old-and-busted "get out of ur mother's basement" zinger, this is indeed a ringing endorsement of Patriots fans. And kudos to the Boston school system. Heckuva job.

Suss said...

Dude, nobody plays Halo 2 anymore. [snortlaugh, pushes up glasses frame]

Lord Farceface said...

I'm not sure what's better: the retard spelling and diction or the fact that this guy seems to think Drew is 14. Even money says that this dipshit's not out of high-school yet.

Eddiebear said...

Isn't Drew married with a child?

Besides, when I worked at Natick Labs, all the fucking Southies who would clean my office sounded just like I'm visuallizing this guy as sounding.

surt2k said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joe said...

I love NE sports fans.

surt2k said...

Simmons should have let his editor go over that first.

twoeightnine said...

Even money says that he's out of high-school but only cause Pa needed him to help at the bar or the firehall or the lobster boat.


And he's 32.

J.L. White said...

Oh dear, oh dear.....allow me to de-retard that email Drew received:

"Dear Child:

Seeing as though it is unlikely that you yourself have actually said "all that shit" that you wrote about on your blog to someone living in Boston, that makes you a hypocrite. (As an aside, the mere fact that you even write a blog in the first place is evidence that you are a 'fucking fat virgin geek fuck,' which you shall remain until your passing.) The very notion that the entirety of the nation hates us is laughable, and thus proves you are a child of low quality.

It is obvious you are a child with a mental handicap to believe that everyone will side with you in regards to your previous statements on Boston fans and the teams they represent (really, that's the best I can do to clean that 'sentence' up.) You are fucking delusional and stupid. Yourself, as well as your insignificant cadre of Boston-haters make up only 10% of all sports fans residing in the United States of America.

Child, after writing to what amounted to cattle excrement on your blog, you came across as sounding ill-informed. Brother, please, I beseech you to ascend into adulthood, meet with someone of the female sex, fornicate, decrease your physical mass, and also move out of the basement inside you mother's house. Finally, it is preferred that you stop playing the video game 'Halo 2,' seeing as though all electronics aficionado's are smitten with that game.

Sincerely yours,

Boston Retard"

Moof! said...

I want this guys email address for my thesis on the effects of siphoning gas and diesel as a child.

Otto Man said...

Only a moronic Masshole could accuse a man who wrote a fatherhood blog called Father Knows Shit of being a virgin.

That mouth-breathing rant was so unintentionally hilarious, I'm thinking it was a spoof submitted by a New Yorker just to make the Boston kids look even dumber.

Otto Man said...

I believe I've found a photo of Drew's correspondent.

I'm guessing his Bosox shirt was in the hamper.

Brave Sir Robin said...

I would like to congratulate you guys for taking the high road and not releasing that dude's e-mail like Maddox did a couple years ago.

Given this blog's readership, this could have turned just as ugly.

Note: That last bit is a compliment to us as assholes.

Jason said...

+1 surt2k.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

"suicide bombs are fackin heavy!"

What? You want me to say it? I, am nawt, a kawp.

Ron Bermuda said...

Did that guy text message you that whole thing? I'm actually impressed...Shouldn't there be an apostrophe for "ur".

Michael said...

Wow Jl White, just, wow. I'm a lil late to the party, but thank god I was because that has me laughing my ass off in my cubicle to start the day off.

I should also mention that I am a Pats fan residing in Canada, and frequently ask my gf and family for tickets to try and take a road trip down to Foxborough to catch a game. Maybe I'm just better off not knowing what my team's fan base is truly made up of.

Captain Caveman said...

+1 each to Moof! and JL White.

Mike said...

I was dieing laughing at the Kyle Eckel picture, then ashamed of my fellow state resident. Guys like that is why this state has had a declining population for the last 20 years.

The Pirate Sloth said...

JL White, good play my good sir, good play.

Saintsation said...

i've only got part way through but im pretty sure you can sing that letter along to sattelite

Wormfather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wormfather said...

u and ur little crew of Boston haters are like 10 percent of the whole american sport fans

Well that's still a high number, only my beloved Yankees have a higher percentage base of haters accross the country. For instance, take the KC Royals 1% of the US are fans of this team, meanwhile the other 98.9% are woefully indiferent.

Admiting that 10% of the US hates your cities teams is paramount to admiting that upwards of 30,000,000 Americans go out of their way to hate your team. Congratulations.

Jarrett Carter said...

David Ortiz is confused about what he should post here.

foos05 said...

I was unaware that the US Coast Guard set up Wi-Fi booies off the coast of Boston for the elementary school graduate Bostonian fishermen to use while at sea. Good for them! I bet those Massholes are surfing the web all day looking for lobster porn instead of fishing. Everyone remember the scruffy guy from the Perfect Storm that is all over that fat broad drinking Bud at 7AM in the bar? *ding* *ding* *ding* there's your author right there.

foos05 said...

As an aside, he was just upset that he couldn't conceive Tom Brady's love-child.

Upstate Underdog said...

that kid spelled fuckin' wrong in the e-mail, shouldn't it be "fackin'" ?

Big Daddy Drew said...

Yeah, but the "fuckin fat fuck" accusation was dead on.

Damn him!

the great bambi said...

@upstate underdog

ur fuckin delusional, wait wait, scuze me, "dellusional" and stupid (still can't get over that irony)...u and ur little crew of Boston haters are like 10 percent of the whole american sports, whoops, sport fans who think it's fackin' when it's really fahkin', you left out the H which emphasizes the ahhh all we Bahstonians use, u fuckin, whoops again, fahkin' fat virgin geek fuck

the great bambi said...

so on BDD's checklist of things he needs to do according to his highly literate Boston critic:

find a girl--check
get laid for once--check
get out of ur mother[']s basement--check
stop playing halo 2--check
lose some weight--in progress
grow the fuck up--never gonna happen

Illegal Immigrant said...

I like how he says "kid" all the time. That's really cool. Only cool Boston people use kid as punctiuation. Did I spell that right? Who gives a fuck? What are you the grammer fairy, kid? I'm gonna go smoke maaddd beers, kid and come back and kick your ass. Kid.

Slash said...

Yes, thanks to J.L. White for the translation. Literate and intentionally amusing.

Matt said...

First of all #39 of The patriots is our first string RB. I don't think I'm arrogant. I've certainly seen plenty of asshole fans but I think all teams have their fair share. It's just hard to be humble when you watch your team destroy other teams week after week. I've never done so much light reading while watching the second half of a football game before. Go Pats! Later, I gotta go get ready to watch the Redsox play in the World Series.

chuckbutt said...

Wow... That guy makes me sad to live in New England. I guess capitalization and punctuation, let alone grammar, aren't taught in area schools any more.

I just ran across your site from one of the comments on the Easterbrook article. The New England sports fan posting was funnier than shit. There are a lot of douchebags here, but then again, there's a lot of douchebags in any city where there is success at the time. New Englanders just bring the "no respect" card to a whole new level.

Thanks for the laughs, and I'll keep checking back. Funny, funny shit.

Matt said...

Oh yeah I almost forgot it was the 5th string RB who scored the last TD on Dallas.

drozz said...

you're feeling nice and generous, and you let the gimp out of his cage and off the chain for 2 seconds. how does he reward you? gains access to the internet, and he has to go and use all the big boy words. who taught him those, anyway? zed, was that you? that's it. BAD GIMP. BAD. BACK TO THE BALL GAG.

Wormfather said...

I posted this at the end of BBD Boston fan article, but I think it could use a second go 'round for those who missed it...

Side story: My best friend lives in boston, I went to visit him a few years ago it was february of '05. So we're hanging out in Sommersvile smoking outside of the bar when some dude starts pushing me, yelling "Who da fack do you think you ahr? Wearing that facking hat in Baston"...yep this dude was starting a fight with me because I was wearing a yankee hat. As a black guy I'm safer fucking white chicks in alabama than wearing a Yankees hat in boston...this country has come a long long way.

StuScottBooyahs said...

Drew, you pissah

twoeightnine said...

I'm not arrogant either. You'll have to excuse me though. I need to go bang my super model wife while my super model lover does my laundry. Those shit stains don't remove themselves from the towels.

Do you even know who your starting running back is or is he just that black guy with dreads? In case you didn't realize the guy in that picture is white.

Christmas Ape said...

Matt:

Apparently, that's an old photo of Kyle Eckel, before he switched numbers with Maroney. I figured the fact that he's white and not taking begul shits would be enough of a giveaway.

Also: Die, insufferable asshole shitthead fuckface fan Of Boston-area sports teams (IASFFoBaST)

foos05 said...

Awww poor Matt. Did your little dingy get hard when you thought you saw a mistake and were going to pounce all over it? shucks. Matt's pea sized brain, "I'll show those fackers how great us Boston people are..." Stupid ass son of a bitch. When your lobster boat picks up the wi-fi signal again, come back on and try again. This time... look harder before you speak.

Chamomiles Davis said...

It's comforting in a way to know that no team from Philly will ever win another championship in my lifetime, because I know for a fact that I would turn into one of these smug, self-satisfied pricks.

Bryan said...

To be fair, the email gets one thing right. Married men with kids DO need to get laid.

foos05 said...

Better watch out chamomiles, our Flyers are looking good. As a side note, I wish the Pats were coming to Philly. Now there's no way Philly wins the game, but that fact certainly wouldn't stop the fans from, let's say, throwing D batteries at Tom Brady... Think I'm joking? Go ask Troy Aikman how he liked the Energizer shower...

allie said...

@Wormfather,

yeah, there's a reason they call it slumerville. you're not exactly going to meet the top tier of boston society out there.

the great bambi said...

@allie

but i thought our illustrious e-mailer was espousing on the "greater" Boston area, are you trying to imply that it's not so great?

tylerdurdan said...

"ur so fuckin retarded kid like the whole nation is gonna think of one issue and that issue being Boston fans and their GOOD fuckin teams in every sport"

the bruins suck

lost said...

'miles,

Iggles fans will never go out like that.

We may be the worst in the country, but we're always the worst in the country.

Not like these punks from Boston who buried their heads in the sand behind Buckner's spot at first base and never said a word 'til they started winning. Bitches.

Philly fans: if we ever win anything, how could our fans get any more obnoxious? We'd be at the parade talking about how much they're gonna suck next year and how awful all their players are.

wv: ppowfko !

Jackin'4Beats said...

Even money says that he's out of high-school but only cause Pa needed him to help at the bar or the firehall or the lobster boat.

Now that is hilarious. The Perfect Storm meets Little House on the Prairie.

As an aside, the pain that Philly sports fans feel is palpable and I feel for the Phillies, but not the Eagles (due to how rowdy the Vet was). If one of those teams won the championship, I think the city would go up in flames faster than a California wildfire from all the wild celebrations.

allie said...

@the great bambi

just as san francisco has oakland, and new york has that scary part of brooklyn I got lost in one time, boston certainly has some... unwanted appendages, let's say.

I'm guessing the author of that email lives in southie, which is why I intend to never, ever go there.

BeaverFever said...

@wormfather, did you ever think the Yankee hat wasn't the only reason that guy tried to pick a fight with you ? After all he was a Boston fan from Boston.

lost said...

jackin',

You might be right. Of course, we'll probably never know what would happen in those circumstances.

Usually, when Philly is on fire, the police started it.

Pemulis said...

so you're saying he was drunk

Arjuna said...

durden, the bruins do not suck.

Chilly Jackwater said...

"find a girl, get laid for once, lose some weight, and get out of ur mothers basement, and stop playin halo 2 cuz all yall computer geeks are fuckin inlove with halo....."

p.s. THERE'S ONLY ONE OCTOBER!!!

Jeremy said...

I personally hate all New England teams...

John said...

I don't think there are any internets in southie.

IF THE WORLD SERIES GOES TO 7, THEN THERE IS ONLY ONE NOVEMBER TOO!!! HOLY BALLS!!!

rar288 said...

He's dead on about the virgin thing though. Common Drew, lose your virginity already. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kid!

Chip Fu said...

I just realized I absolutely hate the Celtics all of a sudden and will be actively cheering against them all season.

I mean, when's the last time I even thought about the Celtics? '91?

They aren't even in my team's conference.