Friday, October 5, 2007

Ten Things I Think He'll Think He Thinks


As you may know, our pal Peter King likes to insert a section called "Ten Things I Think I Think" into his regular column. This week we've decided to raise the bar. Why post what PK thinks he thinks when we can post what we think he thinks he will be thinking on Sunday? If you just took a bong hit you might want to reread that sentence.

a. Who is Domino's trying to fool with this Oreo pizza? Listen up folks, the word "pizza" implies cheese. So until you put some mozzarella on that cookie you're just kidding yourselves and wasting our time.

b. The only thing better than sausage wrapped with bacon is Brett Favre wrapped with Tony Romo.

c. If Norv Turner doesn't right the ship people might start losing faith in his leadership abilities.

d. I bet Marty Schottenheimer could figure out what's wrong in San Diego.

e. The Giants may not have any cheerleaders, but that Olivia Manning is one handsome woman.

f. I'll take Mike Vrabel over Randy Moss any day of the week. The guy plays both ways!

g. Best college town in American? No contest, it's Hamilton, New York.

h. I'd love to see the casting call for this Cavemen show on ABC. I mean, how many caveman actors could there possibly be in this day and age?

i. Canadian bacon is better than ham. There, I said it.

j. If Arnold Palmer gets credit for mixing iced tea with lemonade then you might as well call an eggnog Bosco macchiato a Peter King.

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You know, I enjoy writing up some good PK parody, but sometimes we should leave things to the master...
b. I love Amtrak more. It is more addicting, especially traveling through a heavy snowstorm, as I did Saturday afternoon after a quick New Jersey dogcheck on Bailey the golden retriever. (She was fine, by the way, very happy to do what she loves best on the planet, which is retrieving a tennis ball in the snow until she drops.) You keep wanting to say to the conductor, "Slow down! You're going too fast!'' Until you realize you're on rails, not a road. For a while through the driving white haze, I felt like a character on Murder on the Orient Express.
Yep, that's the man himself. He's a constant source of inspiration.

36 comments:

Smello said...

I'd like to order one of those Brett Favre wrapped in Tony Romo thingys you mentioned. It sounds delicious.

BigRicks said...

I wanna get drunk, but I also want some pancakes.

Upstate Underdog said...
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Upstate Underdog said...

I shudder to think what is on his ipod and what he thinks about it.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...
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Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

BDD did it...

But seriously, if you see one movie this year make sure it's the Gameplan.

That Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson reminds me a lot of that Tony Gonzalez, and I can really get behind him now that he's using his Christian name.

Big Daddy Drew said...

BDD did it...

No I didn't.

Slash said...

Wow... I'm not sure you can parody PK. At some point, a person's awe-inspiring suckitude is so absolute that parody becomes kinda pointless. They have become parody itself. I think PK is there now. When you compose a love letter to Amtrak, you have joined Tammy Faye Bakker, The Backstreet Boys and Richard Simmons.

Upstate Underdog said...

apparently he has Norah Jones on that ipod.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Correction: CC did it...

And Upstate Underdog: The answer is Norah Jones, lots and lots of Norah Jones.

I think it's a safe bet there's also some Coldplay, some Joss Stone, and the sound's of Moynihan's ultrasound.

Unsilent Majority said...

slash, the amtrak think is two years old.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

The PK Playlist:

-Norah Jones B Sides
-Garth Brooks (Chris Gaines)
-Some assorted Herm Edward's gibberish (Help me relate to African Americans)
-Marroon 5
-Brett Farve's Snap Counts '92-'97 (For my ME time)
-Bob Dylan? (There were selling this fella's CD at starbucks, not much of a singing voice)
-U2's Discotheque
-Tony Parker feat. Fabolous (I just don't see how anyone can call this rap stuff music)
-The 3 tenors
-Soft pouting by Dick Vermeil
-John Madden's Heroes of Football on tape
-John Legend

Otto Man said...

Say what you will, but Amtrak is the fucking balls.

They never cancel my train, and they never delay it for five hours because there's a thunderstorm three hundred miles away in Tulsa. I get a roomy seat, I can walk on with a cold beer and whatever else I want, and no one tells me when I can and can't use something with electricity.

I'm still not happy with their insistence that I wear pants, but we're still negotiating that one.

Upstate Underdog said...

@tech, you forgot "the Amtrak soundtrack, the sounds of the train rails" on that playlist.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

@Upstate
-James Blunt
-Under the Tuscan Sun on tape
-The complete 5 for Fighting discography
-Healthy Eating tips with Rachel Ray
-Sheryl Crow (Sometimes Petey's just gotta dance)

I could do this all day...

MicroscopicElvis said...

He owns a golden retriever named Bailey? Jesus, even his fucking dog name is unoriginal.

MicroscopicElvis said...

@technine

In all fairness, he did try to order Subliminally Slim for the ipod but was sent the vocabulary builder instead

Slash said...

I actually have no problem with Amtrak itself, but the way he wrote about it... it is the first time I've seen Amtrak compared to the Orient Express. I'm pretty sure the Orient Express would not be happy about that.

RE chronology of Amtrak think: so PK achieved self-parody on Monday, January 24, 2005, at 10:17 AM. I stand corrected.

dick_gozinia said...

Peter King took that picture because he totally got on that weigh station scale before crossing into Indiana.

SDW said...

BDD didn't do it, leaving him available to do a Travis Henry piece this afternoon (hoping).

Travis Henry's Piece. God, I love multiple meanings.

Upstate Underdog said...

forget that piece of trash Henry, I'm hoping for another Wade and Jerry episode.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

forget that piece of trash Henry,

Piece of trash? PIECE of trash??
Pieces of trash is what this site was built on SIR. Pieces of trash are what makes the gay mafia, nay, football, nay, America, great.

Inna that right Manny? Alright. Slap me cinco motherfucker.

Seamus Furr said...

PK = Larry King + Jackie Harvey

3000 said...

Oh doctor, get me a double Peter King with a shot of Butterscotch schnapps!

(Depressingly, that's only about the third gayest thing I've said today.)

SDW said...

@uu:
Can't we combine them? Wade's nerves seem a little shot. Perhaps Henry and Sticky Icky Ricky will show up with some help.

Yeeeeeeeeeeehaw, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

Captain Ned said...

Hamilton, NY??? Did you spend your entire time at Colgate at the Jug??

I spent 4 years there in the early '80s and have been back from time to time. It might be up to 3 stoplights in town now, and there's still plenty of local farms if cow-tipping is your thing.

Les Savy Ferd said...

I had a stopover in Denver last week and was pretty sure my massive high was Travis Henry related. I may have been unsure of that but i am positively certain this pregnant-with-twins thing is his doing. On the plus side the mary jane did wonders for the morning sickness....

hollywood wags said...

I had some wonderful, cute, crunchy bruschetta with chunks of tomatoes.

Mmmm, that was some good food.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Anyone else wonder why PK even bothered to wear that Under Armour polo? I mean is he going to join the guys in the locker room as they scream "WE MUST PROTECT DIS HOUSE!!!!"

Or will he just join them in the locker room so he can hit on the vulnerable rookie wide receiver who's two drops away from getting cut so PK can teach him how to click, clack???

The latter I say...the latter.

Robocats said...

I call bullshit!

That Oreo pizza line HAS to be something Peter King actually said. It just sounds way too real to be parody. (before I get chastised for it, I'm not joking here, it really does sound dead on).

The true mystery though, speaking as a Chicagoan is why anyone would want to get out of their car in Indiana long enough to take a picture.

brad said...

It's a shame that Barry Manilow won't do The View because he hates Elisabeth Hasselbeck so much.

I love Manilow. You know, he's released CDs of songs he covered for different decades. He's done the 50's, 60's and 70's so far. Next up is the 80's.

Can't wait to hear his rendition of "Maniac." My nipples are rock hard in anticipation.

Krolik1157 said...

Beautiful line about Hamilton-when I went to tour Colgate this summer, my dad was talking to the admissions guy about how he went to Dartmouth and loved the college town there, and how he thought Hamilton was similar. At that point, the admissions guy looked at my dad and said, without irony, "well, it's no Hannover." Hannover had one stoplight when my dad went there, and is an hour away from White River Junction. I now go to USC.

Awful Chief said...

They never cancel my train, and they never delay it for five hours because there's a thunderstorm three hundred miles away in Tulsa.

True, but they will stop a train for four hours while they clean the dead human off the train after someone decides to roll their wheelchair in front of the tracks. Still, trains are a great way to travel. Especially when you're in college and traveling with "banned substances".

TheNaturalMevs said...

Great post. I knew it couldn't be by flubby.

TheNaturalMevs said...

If I'm the Eagles' Andy Reid right now in my bye week, I'm thinking I'll be damned (well, he's a Mormon, so he'll be darned) if I'm going to see my immobile quarterback get squashed like a squirrel in the road again, like in the 12-sack debacle against the Giants on Sunday night.

tHeCoNmAn said...

Mother of God, please tell me everyone read PK saying that Frank Caliendo is "as funny as Belushi 30 years ago." I had a discussion with my friends about how no one could possibly find him funny, and how we'd want the name, address, and a list of times the person was asleep and unsuspecting if they existed. I, of course, forgot about the staggering insanity that is the PK experience.