Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Runner Who the Race Outran

I mentioned last week that I would be running the Chicago Marathon this past Sunday, but I never said I would do it well. In fact, I was one of the more than 10,000 runners not to finish before they stopped the race, but not for such inglorious reasons as heat exhaustion or death.


Does this look like someone who would succumb to the heat? What with the tough looking wrapped leg, administered to treat the pulled hammy that made me drop out after 14 miles. It nicely capped an injury-plagued year of training, in which I had plantar fasciitis in my right foot for three months (just like Terrence Newman!).

Totally pussying out didn't ruin my entire trip. Yes, it was hot as dogcrotch, but there was always the pre-race expo! A font of organizations tangentially linked to running hawking their overpriced wares. What I loved most was the Volkswagons on the showroom floor (what better message to send to runners than that they need to fucking drive more?) and the Inspiration Zone, replete with a basketball hoop, Madden on the Wii, and a guy to clock the speed of your fastball (again, runners, get a new goddamn hobby).

Here was some giant lung - at first, I thought it was a liver - to support, I don't know, rights for disembodied giant plush organs with arms and legs. As with most things, in the Maj version, it would be small and black.

Finish Line Wine is for finishers, Ape. You may not sup of the plonky, paint thinnery goodness!

You may say that the injury was a mixed blessing because dropping out after an hour and a half enabled me to make it to the bar in time for the kickoff of the Steelers and Seahawks game. I say it's totally worth it. Reader Pat D. and friends welcomed me to Durkin's, one of the Steelers bars in town.

Pat is an alum of Miami of Ohio and he let me know that everyone at the school thinks Roethlisberger is a complete hump. In fact, he said when Roethlisberger returned to campus after winning the Super Bowl, one of his friends spotted him at a bar. The friend was wearing a "Drink Like a Roethlisberger Today" shirt, to which Ben was hardly amused, having some heavy get in his face and tell him something to the effect of, "That's not good for Ben's image!"

Dick move. Absolutely. But after going 18 of 22 this week without both starting receivers: (jams fingers in ears) lalalalalalalalalala.

Anyway, I also sat out on Waveland Avenue outside Wrigley during the final chapter of the Cubs sweptitude Saturday night.

Of course, I did it up in style, watching the game on a 20-inch TV pointing out from some guy's apartment with hundreds of other cheap, drunk people. Meanwhile, I couldn't drink at all because I had an important race not to finish the following morning.

Midway through the game, a young Tribune reporter was milling through the crowd trying to get some color for a feed into a scene story. Having done my share of these, I felt for her. A note to fans: when a reporter asks for feedback on a game, a helpful answer would be "This is so depressing. The Cubs would have a shot if only they didn't leave 600 men on base" and not, "I ALSO LIKE NOTRE DAME! CAN YOU PUT THAT IN THE ARTICLE?!"

Just a tip.

16 comments:

Gern said...

What is with all the gay-ass live blogs?? If I wanted to read something a dork in his mom's basement writes while watching a game on tv, I'd stick an eggplant in my ass. Seriously.

Tracer Bullet said...

The "reaction piece" is the lowest form of journalism known to man. Every editor who assigns such nonsense should be weighted down with IBM Selectrix typewriters and thrown in a freezing river.

Awful Chief said...

at least you weren't one of the "runners" who couldn't finish half the race in four hours.

dick_gozinia said...

So Ape came to Chicago in October and the following things happened...

1. It was abnormally hot as balls.
2. The Cubs get demolished.
3. Mayhem in the streets for 50,000 douchebag running enthusiasts.


Can you come back every year?

Unsilent Majority said...

What is with all the gay-ass live blogs??

YEAH!

Captain Caveman said...

Whatever like you were even there and not in your parents' basement. I'm sure your imaginary cat can lick your imaginary hamstring injury.

mamacita said...

Have you ever thought of running without carrying that trashbag with you? I was thinking it might cut down on the injuries, but what do I know? Maybe you were just practicing for the next time riots and looting come to the DC area.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Dude...you're pale. You sure you were "training" the past few months? Surely you would have tanned a little bit...

Or were you going for the translucent caveman look? If so, then well done.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Waiting impatiently for the post from Valley Ranch today. I'm sure Jerry Jones has got some words of wisdom for us all.

flubby said...

jackin'4beats thinks we all look alike

devang said...

J4B, your prayer has been answered. Laughed my fucking ass off.

BigFootFool said...

Dude, JJ wouldn't puss out on a marathon like that. He'd ride Wade Phillips the whole way.

Bummer on having to drop though. 14 miles in an 1 1/2 hours is awesome though.

rafael said...

Pat is full of it.
This Miami alum, and plenty more, like Big Ben just fine.
"Drink like a Roethlisberger Today"? Unoriginal and lame. I"d have sent my heavy after him too.

Senor Beavis said...

Did you at least pour boiling oil on the ND fan?

I live across the street from Durkin's and never go in for many reasons, one of which is that I'm too damn ugly. So well played, unless they relax the social code for Steeler games.

Vanilla said...

14 miles in an hour and a half is nothing to laugh at, especially in those conditions. I'm running the Denver Half this weekend and won't even sniff that kind of time.

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Wow, someone has the "Drink Like A Roethlisberger Today" shirt other than me? I'm pretty sure my boobs are better though, which would have spared the heavy getting in my face about dissing St. Benjamin of The Burgh.