Thursday, October 18, 2007

Drecksonville vs. Crapapolis. WHO YA GOT?










It's a battle for supremacy in the AFC South, with the quietly powerful and workmanlike (read: boring) Jaguars hosting the Colts, the NFL's top alsoran to the Patriots, and, you know, the defending champs. Jacksonville winning would temper the next soon to be painfully hyped battle of the unbeatens in a few weeks. And we can't have that. Seriously, this week's games are abysmal. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Jacksonville Jaguars___________________Indianapolis Colts

Record

4-1______________________5-0

Named for

Andrew Jackson__________________The fucking state it occupies

Bragging rights

Ran for 375 yards on Indy last December____Their bearded white receiver is actually good

Why are you living there?

Those awful Tampa Bay snobs_____Frightened by all the blacks in Gary

"Contributions" to American culture

Limp Bizkit____________________Indianapolis Motor Speedway

Redeeming qualities

Lemme get back to you on that one__________Stole team from Baltimore

Notable former residents

Okay, it's warm in the wintertime__________________Kurt Vonnegut

Favorite form of credit

MJD's goal post ATM___________Tony Dungy's indulgences

Finishing move

Die of boredom_________________Move to Florida, die of boredom

16 comments:

dick_gozinia said...

I believe that the blacks in Gary are even frightened of the blacks in Gary.

Jim U. said...

There are no winners in this battle. Only the people whose souls have been sucked out, chewed up, and spit back on their faces remain.

Steve said...

Notable blacks from Gary: Glenn Robinson, Michael Jackson*.

*Was actually black when he lived in Gary.

Pemulis said...

i think i gotta go colts solely for Vonnegut

roy said...

You go, Ape. We need all the love we can get from parent subsidized hipster wannabe losers.

JAMMQ said...

Jacksonville has football players who complain of racism in the city, while Indianapolis is home to the racists favorite football player . . . Peyton Manning.

Five Pound Bag said...

People who have vomited there:

Jacksonville - Donovan McNabb

Indianapolis - Everyone in the infield at the Brickyard 400

naptown drew said...

I just spent a good five minutes trying to scheme up a comment to defend my city's honor. Then I gave up. Fuck.

Christmas Ape said...

You go, Ape. We need all the love we can get from parent subsidized hipster wannabe losers.

Wait. Am I a hipster wannabe? Or a wannabe loser?

I'm teetering on the edge!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Wasn't Gary the murder capital of the US a few years back? I guess that explains the moat around Indianapolis...

Foxxy Brown said...

"while Indianapolis is home to the racists' favorite football player[.]"

did Brady and Romo retire while i was passed out?

Jez said...

You don't have to go quite that far to get away from Gary. People usually move to Merrilville or Chesterton instead.

J said...

hey at least jacksonville has a monorail....

HolyDogWater said...

You left off Jacksonville's favorite High School... Forrest High School, named after Nathan B Forrest, the founder of the KKK. Our second favorite? Lee High School (guess who that one is named after). Looking at a list of the other 75 High Schools in Jacksonville reads like a Ken Burns documentary.

Pity Da Fool said...

Jacksonville contributions to society? Freeeeeebird!!!

Brando said...

Wait, I think you guys have it backwards. The blacks live in Gary because there are frightened of all the whites in Indianapolis. Central Indiana is a frightening place. It is not all pink houses and apple pie sodomy of legend.