Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Fear Not, These Dolphins Have Become My Friends

Oh, hello.

I'm sure some of you are worried about my predicament: me underwater without a breathing apparatus, these bottlenose dolphins (Tursiops truncati) circling in a menacing fashion.

Fear not, citizens. All is not as it seems. After I fended off the males' initial attempts at gang rape, I've slowly gained acceptance into the pod. Not that it hasn't been difficult at times: I'm not the best swimmer to begin with, and this football equipment has only exacerbated my clumsy navigation of Poseidon's kingdom. Unlike my new friends (I'd tell you their names, but the series of clicks doesn't translate well to our primitive language), I need to breathe more frequently than every 5-8 minutes. And have you ever tried letting one half of your brain sleep while the other operates your active body? You can't learn that overnight.

But things are progressing. My sonar is practically fluent. The saltwater stopped bothering my eyes thanks to the development of a nictitating membrane under my eyelids (somebody tell Coach Dungy I prayed for it -- he'll handle the news better that way). And I've found that few terrestrial meals are as satisfying as tearing through a school of Atlantic herring cruising through the Gulf Stream.

I'm sure my quiet leadership and precision out-patterns are missed in Indianapolis, but I really feel at home here. Besides, my connection to the pod may prove to be a key alliance for the Colts. I've heard squeakings that Belichick's got some friends down here, too...


20 comments:

5150 said...

That's a nice.

Christmas Ape said...

I've heard squeakings that Belichick's got some friends down here, too...

See, the Dolphins are helping the Patriots! Collusion!!!!

/simmons

Dave said...

boo-urns

swing4 said...

Genius, all around.

Moof! said...

Having a conversation with a dolphin would be more stimulating than one with Starvin' Marvin.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

What came first, the photoshop or the words?

smurphette said...

That Marvin Harrison, he's so articulate and clean!

/Joe Biden

SDW said...

I would like to formally request that we refer to Marvin as "Sexual" Harrison from this day forth.

/HR director

lauren said...

So long Harrison, and thanks for all the fish.

Captain Caveman said...

Btw, the second photo isn't photoshopped. The military is actually training dolphins to search for mines.

Dolphins own.*

*Actual dolphins, not the football team.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Is the camouflage really necessary in the ocean?

Pemulis said...

has anyone here bothered trying to go to that manningsmind.com website? it keeps redirecting me to Lemon Party

Pemulis said...

not that i'm complaining

Magglio said...

Is there a stupider commercial than the sharks surrounding Marvin Harrison? Maybe anything with Peyton Manning in it.

http://applesandmoustaches.blogspot.com/

Zac said...

Well done Magglio, you just won dumbest comment on KSK. Quite an accomplishment.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

douche

JAMMQ said...

So this explains why Harrison is kiilling my fantasy team, fucker.

Greg Schuler said...

Dolphins are trained for a variety of purposes.

They retreieve mines and locate lost torpedoes.

They are used for port security, looking for underwater divers and then attacking them.

They are used to attach limpet mines to enemy ships.

The USN also uses sea lions for harbor security.

All for fish.

Les Savy Ferd said...

now how am i supposed to craft an intelligent comment with those breasts hanging around up there? They are not even on my screen but i know they are still a short scroll away, mocking me with their playful exuberance.

lost said...

Dolphins are trained for a variety of purposes.

The gang-raping, however, comes naturally.