The KSK Guide To Being An Insufferable A--hole S--thead F--kface Fan Of Boston-Area Sports Teams
With the Red Sox advancing to the World Series, Boston College still undefeated, KG moving to the Celtics, and this year’s Patriots in the process of becoming the best team in the history of the NFL (and you’re deluding yourself if you can't accept the reality of that), we are on the verge of witnessing a perfect storm of douchebaggery emanating from the greater Boston area. We’re talking the absolute zenith of self-important fuckfacery. The sky will turn pitch black and rain vinegar upon us all.
I have done all that I can to stop this. I’ve offered bounties, yet NFL defenders remain too dumb, and NFL defensive coaches too incompetent to call for a drop kick right to Tom Brady’s patella. We at KSK have also tried repeatedly hammering the point home that Bill Simmons is a fucking douchebag (see below, or just wait for the next post). It’s a like a political talking point: the more often we say it, the more likely it is to stick in your brain, regardless of whether or not you actually believe it (“Oh, Bill Simmons? Yeah, he’s a douche. No, wait! I kinda used to like him! Damn you, KSK!"). But those efforts have done nothing to stem this growing doucheflood.
We are left with two options. The first option is to cultivate the hatred the rest of the nation has for these people, so that, even when the Patriots or Red Sox win, they cannot savor the victory fully. After all, if there’s any group of fans that has a “Why can’t you be happy for us?” mentality, it’s New England sports fans. Not only do they act douchey when they win. But they fully expect you to jump on the bandwagon with them. Witness Simmons’ infamous Pats-hater bitchfest from earlier in the year, one of the sorriest sports columns ever written.
Boston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is fucking annoying. It doesn’t matter how the other team won. They’re not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. Fuck this “appreciating” other teams shit. Normal fans don’t do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can’t fucking stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he’s not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he’s not gonna grasp much of anything.
So that’s one option. But there is another option, and that is, of course, to join them. Is this a lame thing to do? Oh, yeah. Total fuckhead move. But hey, maybe you’re a Dolphins fan and you’ve abandoned all hope. Maybe becoming a dipshit asshole cumguzzler like Jimmy Fallon is your only way to stay happy. I don’t approve, but I’m not here to judge. We at KSK are here for the people, so we’ve come up with a few rules, listed below, of just how to turn yourself into one of these fans. One bonus of becoming an insufferable Boston bandwagon fan is that it gives the rest of us extra ammunition to want to gut New England fans with a paring knife, which I’m more than okay with. Hate feels good. It really gets me through my day.
Lest you think these rules are farcical, I assure you they are not. No one knows the psyche of New England sports fans quite like I do. I went to dipshit prep school in New England. I went to college in New England. My parents have lived in Connecticut for the past 17 years. You might even call me a “total fucking hypocrite,” which is more than fair. I’ve been in the heart of the douche. I’ve worn the fleece. I’ve heard all the God Street Wine songs. I know what it’s all about. I had plenty of opportunities to join the brood. Despite my own history of wanton douchebaggery, I resisted. But I’m still enough of a preppy dicksmack to help you reach your goal. Here now, is how you become one of “them”:
1. Use Manny Ramirez to justify all your stereotypes about Latin Americans, but do NOT use David Ortiz to refute any of them.
2. Bitch about Dane Cook “representing” you while, at the same time, rocking his exact same haircut.
3. Boast about Bill Belichick’s strategic genius as if it is somehow indirectly your doing. You’ll see plenty of New England fans, when seeing another coach fuck up, say to you, “Now, would Belichick do something like that? Hell no. He’d do it totally different.” You see, pointing out Belichick’s acumen is a way of trying to pass it off as your own. He’s smart, which makes you smart! Talk about Belichick the same way a proud father boasts about his child prodigy. You won’t be any more intelligent. In fact, you’ll still be a fucking eggplant. But you’ll feel more intelligent, and that’s nice.
4. Own $1,000 worth of Red Sox merchandise, but no Patriots merchandise whatsoever. The lone exception: The Wes Welker jersey. Pats fans love Wes Welker because he’s white. Just like them! They also love Tedi Bruschi, because he’s kinda white. And hey, that’s not bad either.
5. Be sure to boast about all the hot chicks Tom Brady gets to nail. Because that’s totally something for YOU to brag about.
6. Complain earnestly about how many ads Peyton Manning appears in while continuing to brag about the Pats' O-line being Brady's five layers of protection. Lord knows Brady's never been in an ad for Stetson, or Movado, or Gap, or any of that shit.
7. If you put a five into a jukebox at any sports bar, you must play “Satellite” by the Dave Matthews Band at least once.
8. Act proudly ignorant of things you already know. Like so: “Hey, who was that colored guy in that “Rush Hour” movie? He was all right.” You know damn well it's Chris Tucker, but the casual racism makes you 50% more charming to chicks in Framingham. This works even better if you’re a Boston-area college student. Yeah, you go to Tufts, but you have no fackin’ idea who those Maroon 5 faggots are. Sure, buddy. For a walking example of proud stupidity, consult this dumbshit:
9. Be sure to try and distinguish yourself as a “real fan”. All “real” Boston fans must be able to judge their fellow Boston fans' credibility. Never been to Fenway? Poseur. Didn't like the Pat Patriot logo? Bandwagoner. Went to college outside New England? Turncoat. Too young to remember the '86 Celtics? Faggot.
10. Bitch about the Boston accents in any film or TV show. “Yeah, ‘The Depahted’ was fackin’ great, but they don’t talk like that in fackin’ REVEEEEAH!!!!!” Yes, no film could ever accurately depict just how real, how fierce your hardscrabble Newton upbringing was.
11. Adopt the attitude that you, yes you, DESERVE this success. “Hey, we Pats fans know how it used to be back in the day. We earned these titles.” Don’t treat your team’s good fortune as the stroke of good fortune it happens to be. No, no, no. Your championship has to be deeper then someone else’s championship. It has to mean something more. Why? Because you fancy yourself as being introspective. Cockgobbler. Treat it like some sort of karmic reward for Len Bias dying, or some other twisted, idiotic explanation.
12. Always treat your fandom as membership to some kind of exclusive club of super cool people. Like the whole Red Sox Nation thing. Oooh, you guys all root for the same team? How unique! How special! Fucking die. Be sure to adopt a siege mentality when your team is criticized. “Hey, you can’t rip on Papelbon! He’s fackin’ one of us!” Whatever you need to make yourself feel less alone in the world.
13. Be sure to grow your hair out under your artificially aged Red Sox hat so that little hair wings sprout out the side. That looks great.
14. Laugh at your own jokes. You're so funny, guy!
15. Dip.
16. Shun Ben Affleck. Embrace Matt Damon. That apples line never gets old!
17. Finally, bitch about everything: critics, certain players who personally disappoint you, etc. They call it New England for a reason. People in England love to fucking complain. You are the newer, even more annoying model.
Follow these rules and I promise you that everyone from the nation’s remaining 44 states will want to rape you with a hammer. But hey, you’re a Boston sports fan now. You’ll be completely ignorant to your own jackassery. That’s the beauty of it. You are now just as fucking annoying as a Notre Dame football fan, or a Duke basketball fan. That's right, Pats fan. That's the level you're at right now. Enjoy your world titles, you fucking cockhog.
Your suggested rules in the comments.
200 comments:
In fact, you’ll still be a fucking eggplant.
You're a cantaloupe!
A a Bostonian, the part of that article that offended me most was implying that I like the Dave Matthews Band.
New England was a better place to go to college in during the early 90's (89-93) when the Red Sox were o.k., and the Pats went 3-13 every year.
Is this a Wikipedia entry yet?
I just wanted to verify that Montana was one of those 44 states, because we sometimes get left out.
Leave the Bosstones the fuck out of this Drew.
Aren't they also allowed to say that they would totally go gay for Dicky Barrett without being labeled a fackin' faggot?
Shit - missed the tag.
Of the other 44 states, NE should thank Minnesota for some of their success. Big Papi, KG, and indirectly Moss.
Your fucking welcome. I think it can be credited to our niceness. I mean it is not like we were doing anything with those players so you should have them because you can use them more.
well then, you are so not invited to my world series party.
You've hit gold once again Drew.
21-25 354 yrds 6 tds
go fuck yourself and Exeter
@Cousins of Ron Mexico: Not a chance. That's what you fucking get for liking ska.
I'm also a Bosstones fan, shit happens when you go to school in RI for 4 years. However, my hatred for the teams that represent NE will never die.
I reserve the right to take Option #1. I just can't bring myself to become that... that.... I can't find the right word.
what chaps my ass most about Boston Area Sports Fan circa 2007 is that somehow, somehow they have supplanted all of the New Jersey Area Sports Fan douchebaggery I had to put up with in college with the Yankees going to the world series every year, the Devils riding Brodeur, and the giants going to that one superbowl against the ravens (I'm told that the NFL film archive has proof that game actually happened).
Satellite in my eyes
Like a diamond in the sky
How I wonder
HOLY SHIT. SOMEONE COME UP WITH SOME NEW FUCKING JOKES.
The Bosstones were an important step on the path to punk though. If I didn't know about the Bosstones, I probably wouldn't know about the Dillinger 4.
It's nearly impossible for kids these days... there's a huge Panic! At The Disco roadblock.
I'm with OD. Fuck Dave Matthews. At the same time, however, fuck Boston fans in general. I'm a Sox fan, a Pats fan, a Celtics fan, and formerly a Bruins fan, and honeslty, I hate 98% of my fellow fans and generally hope they perish in an inferno. Preferably whilst wearing pink or green Red Sox hats.
5. Be sure to boast about all the hot chicks Tom Brady gets to nail. Because that’s totally something for YOU to brag about.
As a Yankees fan, Jeter totally has him beat. Let's take a look at who he's dated or been rumored to date:
Miss Universe Lara Dutta
Jordana Brewster
Scarlett Johansson
Gabrielle Union
Jessica Alba
Joy Enriquez
Adriana Lima
Vanessa Minillo
Jessica Biel
I'm not bragging about it, but suck it Boston.
btw, why is that bald white guy in the picture wearing a Richard Seymour jersey ?
Who the fuck still listens to the Bosstones?
@Camp Tiger Claw: No chance. Suck my white balls.
Perhaps I just let the movie Clueless play too big a role in my life...nah
Man, if Jeter had an STD for every chick he's been rumored to be with...
Gisele looks like a 12 year old boy.
I thank you for your prompt response. The customer service is always good.
-Cannonize Jim Rice for the Hall of Fame now conveniently forgetting you hated him in his playing days because he was black and surly as opposed to white and surly
-Vomit Bud Ice
Maybe becoming a dipshit asshole cumguzzler like Jimmy Fallon is your only way to stay happy
Ben Affleck AND Matt Damon wholeheartedly agree.
My hatred for the Pats is reaching epic proportions to the point where I'm hoping a defender goes Billy Blanks on Brady's ass. Is that taking it too far?
@ BDD - your boys didn't get throttled, but they still took an "L" thanks to the greatest Mexican QB on Earth and the next coming of Too Tall Jones (I hope) Chris Canty.
holy shit.
someone just dropped the name dillinger four on ksk.
fucking awesome.
let's at least acknowledge the awesomeness to come out of the boston area in the early/mid 80s... Dinosaur Jr, Sebadoh et al... not every band out of that area sucks weiner
@pemulis: I'll agree with you on Sebadoh and Dino Jr.
Upstate Underdog, for some reason I don't think that was the era Drew attended The Colby College For Rich Fags?
"the mighty mighty bosstones suck"
Oooooh. Feel the BURN. That joke was only slightly more timely than an NKOTB joke and slightly less timely than making fun of Staind.
I mean, the awesomeness of Prince and Morris Day makes it hard to rag on Minnesota's music scene, but Boston gave you Morphine and The Pixies. You're welcome.
And Colby is only good for one thing: beer die. Glorious beer die.
@Hank Wackman: No, that's just about the right time frame. Me and my rich fag friends all agree.
I can see this turning into another MuFlaWa.
Rule 17) Continue to refer to yourself as an underdog despite the fact that your NFL, MLB, and NBA teams have been continuously praised by the mainstream media to levels that approach sexual harassment.
Rule 18) Continue to refer to yourself as an underdog despite the fact that your NFL, MLB, and NBA teams are amongst the highest spenders in their respective leagues because you continue to dole out 10% of your income to token souvenirs with the letter "B" on them.
As a Southern California native currently living in Boston, I have to thank you immensely, BDD.
Oh, and fuck the Dave Matthews Band and the Bosstones.
Rule 19)Refer to Larry Bird as the greatest basketball player of all-time. I swear Boston fan I knew would have sucked his dick if they had the chance.
@twoeightnine: What 12 year old boys are you haning out with? Hate Boston but she's all woman.
http://www.ruggedelegantliving.com/a/images/Gisele.Bundchen.VS.05.jpg
Ska-Core, The Devil and More will rock your asshole off
@grimey, Lights Out and Think Again kick ass. easily 2 of their best songs.
When Iran gets the bomb, they better nuke Boston.
I like my women to look feminine and you know, have tits and stuff.
http://thesuperficial.com/image.php?path=/2007/10/1022_gisele_bundchen_bikini_06.jpg
Really, Drew, we don't know why the soccer coach would do that to you, but give it a rest. Hating on Boston fans won't make the emptiness go away. . . nothing will make the hurting stop.
The bosstones? What is this, 1996? And I'm living in Boston right now, and not being a Patriots fan...hearing these people suck each other off when I go anywhere makes me re-read the suicide part of each jambaroo while I contemplate how I could off myself
how about blindly defending players on your team despite their obvious flaws? Like, when the Red Sox had Carl Everett you would be obliged to defend his disbelief in dinosaurs.
In defense of that douche in the video, Liza Minnelli MUST be stopped.
But, if she can break David Geist in half, maybe SHE is a worthy candidate for the bounty on Tom Brady.
I don't think it's too much of a stretch.
@ ken dynamo:
Didn't he also say that man never made it to the moon?
yea, and he also beat his kids. but what is this, his biography?
Rule 20) Deny reality at every instance that it might prove uncomfortable to you. The Pats would never run up the score!
@ upstate underdog - except that lights out is an angry samoans and think again is a minor threat song.
and grimey - seriously, never expected to see D4 mentioned on KSK.
as to the boston bashing, as noted, there are a lot of douchebag bostonians (and hence a lot of douchebag fans of bostonian teams). at the same time, however, i will continue to revel in the awesomeness of the red sox and the pats, and laugh at the rampant boston bashing that has followed their success.
@john, you are correct sir about those songs and I should have added the fact that the Bosstones covered them.
ken_dyno...did you just say Carl Everett didn't believe in dinosaurs as if there was a choice in matter...you know...since there are "fossils and shit"???
I'm so very relieved that I was able to live in NH for the first 22 years of my life without becoming a Pats or Sox fans.
Of course, I did somehow manage to become a Raiders & Mets fan, which has its own set of problems.
Dear god, this is beautiful. And so accurate.
Sorry Drew, God Street Wine is from NY/NJ. The douchtastic music of choice here in New England, even since your rich, faggoty Colby days, certainly is Guster.
@twoeightnine: Even though her checkbook makes her look at least 20% better, at least she isn't the best that Brazil has to offer.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bossa67/392675740/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bossa67/392675741/in/photostream/
And I'm not saying that's the best, just a sample...a teaser even.
It may have been said before, but you also must not, I repeat must not, call Belichick "Belichick." You must, AT ALL TIMES, refer to him as "Coach." As if he is the only coach of anything, anywhere in the world. For example, if someone questions your Boston fandom, you would respond, "Well, Coach says I'm enough of a fackin' douchebag to be a member, so that's good enough for me. Remember, a true New England fan never calls him Belichick, you call him "Coach" because he's your coach too!
This is by far the greatest thing anybody has ever written.
All I can say is FUCK YOU Mo Lewis for touching Drew Bledstoe. If it wasn't for you Brady would have been a career backup.
I'm gonna become a boston fan, one thing though. I immedeitly get to kill my self. That way I can say I've killed a boston fan.
I can decide real fans in the area, and they are usually the ones who don't care very much at this point.
You're just a jealous bastard.
This may be singlehandedly the greatest writing on "Red Sox Nation"/Pats "fans" that has ever been compiled. I have thought as to why this is as funny to me as it is, and I have come to only one conclusion.
It's funny because it's true.
I'm pretty sure you I can use this as a template, take out specific references, insert references to the general area of a given population, and viola! an instructional douchebag checklist for you. I might just steal it.
I don't get #4 though. That one was baseless.
Other than that, great column. Oh, and fuck all y'all.
The video did it for me. What a bunch of douchebags
I am a transplanted New Englander originally from Philly and this column perfectly described so many Boston fans I know. Winning the Super Bowl was bad enough but once the Sox won the World Series I never heard the end of it.
As I sit here in my Tennessee office wearing my 1975 Red Sox replica hat, flying Elvis Pats hoodie over my 2004 World Series champion long-sleeve T, looking up at my New England college diploma and tattered 1986-era Larry Bird poster, sporting wood for Tom Brady & Josh Beckett, I must say your blog post is funny as shit. For the record, though, Dave Matthews, Maroon 5, Bosstones, etc., all are terrible.
Word around the campfire is that Peter King put the hit out on you for this column. I would also assume that he is grooming one or both of his daughters to be baby vessels for Tom Brady so the line continues for eternity.
"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex." - Carlosaurus Rex.
i've gotten drunk with my friends boston friends in boston and it was a lot of fun. i just dont bother talking sports with them anymore. RSN as seceded from reality. any group of fans that purport to be a "nation" are fucking stupid.
Lest we forget, below is a recap of what we've learned today. New England sports fans are:
1) Douchebags (goes without saying)
2) Fat Dick Eaters
3) Fuckheads
4) Cumguzzlers
5) Insufferable Dipshits
6) Preppy Dicksmacks
7) Fucking eggplants
8) Revisionist Historians (i.e., racist pricks)
9) Cockgobblers
10) Cockhogs
Best top 10 list I've ever read.
At least us Cleveland fans aren't terrible assholes like BAH-ston fans. Who, by the way, proceeded to rip Ryan Garko a new asshole on his MLB blog. Cockmongers, all of you.
Gisele isn't even the hottest Bundchen.
Now to go flood TSG's inbox with a link to this article. Of course I'll use the heading...
Fr. Tom Brady
Re: Last Night (2 hump chump)
god damn. you're an asshole, BDD.
but you're our asshole, and that's why we love you.
shit, I'm a pats fan, and a duke fan, and I like dave matthews... I should probably just go ahead and kill myself.
not until after the superbowl though.
Can you add talking about what a great underdog story the Red Sox are?
Yeah. They're the real fucking underdogs.
And also, yelling out 'Yankees suck' in vastly inappropriate locations, such as: movie theaters in February, Celtics games, your kid's debate.
And, lastly, yelling 'They lost, you dumb bitch,' when you see me wearing my Yankees cap. Which is not only amazingly rude, but demonstrates the mentality of a bandwagon New England fan. You only like 'em when they win. And you are not subtle about it
Don't forget! Make sure you rail about how awful Yankees fans are with their self-important bullshit while quickly becoming one of them.
Patriots fans: the Yankees fans of the NFL.
Great Stuff! I love the hatred fueling the debate, it just feeds the Boston fans and whips us into more of a frenzy. For the record, if you grew up in Boston (the real Boston within the 128 belt, not Conn. and going to g a y as s prep school on the North Shore), you hate BC with a fucking passion and I will be rooting for them to lose on Thursday because that school is populated with gay ass prep school pussies who didn't play sports because mommy was afraid they would get a boo boo or bend that silver spoon stuck up your ass sounds a lot like the author of this article. Let the wrath rain down!
@john, if you hate BC with that much passion can I only imagine the hatred you feel towards Harvard.
So what you dipshits are trying to say, is that if somebody is from the New England area, we should just hate our local teams? If we started liking the Rockies, we would be bandwagon jumpers. If we started liking the NY teams, we would be traitors. If we followed whatever team you support, we would just be jobless, dickless losers who probably live in our mothers basement eating Cheetos all day while blogging and looking at kiddie porn.
mmm, kiddie porn.
Ah the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, incontrovertible proof that if you don't have any black or English people in your band then you can't fucking play ska music.
This did much to soothe the furious anger I have towards the city of Boston and all her teams.
Bless you.
If the entire population of New England died in a fire right now I'd be there proudly wearing my Yankees cap and roasting weenies over their smoldering remains.
And note--if the Dead Sox do manage to pull off the Series I better not hear one fucking word about how the Yankees "buy their championships." You just didn't have the money before, you self-righteous jealous douchebags.
from Simmons’ infamous Pats-hater bitchfest:
they don't have any self-promoting a-holes doing sack dances or touchdown dances (brady dry humps every player on the field after every td)
they haven't been whistled for any substance abuse violations (hahaha)
kill yourself, there's a rule
Technically the Yankees would have to be "winning" something in order to be accused of "buying" it instead. And of course the rebuttal comes from an obvious Peyton Manning fan who is just upset because our hero Tom Brady has more rings, and is about to take away his touchdown record.
You know, not everyone from New England likes the Boston teams. I live in Connecticut, and I like the Bears and the Cubs. Not all of us are jerks. Really.
As far as the idea that New England is racist-- compared to what? The Deep South, the Mid-West, the Rust Belt, Texas, the whatever the Dakotas and Montana and Wisconsin and wherever the fuck else are-- I'll take our attitudes on race against almost anywhere else in the country, thanks.
we are on the verge of witnessing a perfect storm of douchebaggery
Thank Jesus the Bruins still suck ass. Don't give me this Bobby Orr is the greatest player ever bullshit either. Whoops, wrong board.
If this post genuinely isn't intended to be farcical, Drew, I'd strongly suggest you seek therapy, or at least practice some breathing exercises.
Go Sox. (Which I, despite having been born and raised in Southeastern Massachusetts, actually pronounce "socks" and not "SAWX".)
new englanders aren't actually all that good at being racist, because there aren't any black people there. here in north carolina, they practice their racism on a daily basis, so they're much more adept at it.
Thanks, Drew, for a much-needed post. On top of the Pats, BC, Red Sox, Celtics, Simmons revealed Friday that his fantasy team is undefeated. That has the potential for enough douchiness to unmake the world.
A lot of anger towards a lot of straw men. I don't think that to complain about Tom Hanks's accent in "Catch Me If You Can" is to imply that you had some sort of "hardscrabble upbringing." Nor was I familiar with the rule that says you can't hate people with whom you share a hairstyle.
btw, you do realize that youtube video is a joke, right?
my feavuh,
The point wasn't to become a bandwagon fan and hate boston teams, it's to not be a gigantic fucking douchebag about your teams. Nobody else gives a shit how they do. Fuck the douchebag Yankee fans that gave Boston fans such an inferiority complex that instead of just being an asshole to their rivals, they've got to be douchebags to every sports fan and then complain that noone likes them. You know, it's possible to root for your team with all your heart and not be a douche.
well, the problem is that no matter how non-douchey you try to be, there will always be other fans of your team who act like complete uber-douches and ruin it for everyone else. I can be a fucking ray of sunshine all day long, and it won't counteract the legions of idiot boston townies who think hollering "yankees suck!" is always appropriate social behavior.
Observations about fans in general are problematic. You say things like:
You’ll see plenty of New England fans, when seeing another coach fuck up, say to you, “Now, would Belichick do something like that? Hell no. He’d do it totally different.” You see, pointing out Belichick’s acumen is a way of trying to pass it off as your own.
What does "plenty of New England fans" mean? I have never witnessed anything resembling that interaction, and while I'm sure it happens, I doubt that it happens any more often that it does with fans of other teams that have well respected coaches.
The last time a group of people from Boston accomplished something worth praise was when a bunch of them dressed up like Native Americans and dumped some boxes of tea into their harbor.
I was already prepared to christen this the "BEST.POST.EVER" even before I got to the cheap shots on ND football and Duke basketball fans at the end.
How do I love thee, Drew?
@ anonymous educator
From your own profile:
Interests
* Museums
* Indian food
* Hiking
* Literature
* Baseball
My guess is you embody at least 14 of the above-mentioned traits. Go suck a bag of dicks you fackin' beantown cock smoker.
Hey Drew, hows about you make some more broad generalizations? In other news, everyone I know name Drew is a fucking taintlicker, how bout them apples? Fuckbag.
drew, you crack my shit up.
funniest post EVER.
The best thing about Boston fans is the way they wildly over-react to any insult directed towards their team, whether you were joking or not. It's like picking on your little brother!
Example: Despite their man-love of Brady, every Pats fan knows deep in their heart that Peyton is the far superior QB, especially in games that matter.
And now we wait...
we wouldn't even be talking about this if beantown didn't have the best performing group of teams in the country right now. Bite me, you jealous assholes!
don't forget the pixies either. while it's pretty bandwagon to throw their name around, they're still damn good.
fuck all fairweather fans in their stupid asses.
As a Boston fan who grew up in Connecticut and went to school in "Wustah" (yes, Holy Cross), I can vouch for the fact that Boston does have a lot of douchebag fans.
And that makes Boston fans -- just like everybody else.
St. Louis Rams fans who are still ranting about the 2001 Superbowl? They're the same as the idiot brigade in Boston.
A Yankees fan who apparently wears a Yankees hat to a Celts home game and then says that it is "vastly inappropriate" for people to say "Yankees suck" to her in that context? Hell, she may be worse than most of Boston's idiot brigade.
Everyone's got douchebags. What's worse than douchebaggery is indifference -- the Diamondbacks could sell out their NLCS games. Those fans are deserving of much more hatred.
Anyway, still a pretty funny post.
As unfortunate as this sounds, I believe it was 50 Cent that said what I so elegantly would love to tell you all as a Boston sports fan.
"I need you... I need you to hate."
Overly simple really, yet effective. Enjoy!
I meant to say the Diamondbacks could NOT sell out their NLCS games.
And Adam, please explain your theory about Peyton showing up big in big games more than Tom Brady does. I'm dying laughing over here.
Assuming we consider playoff games to be “games that matter,” consider these playoff statistics:
Peyton Manning:
7-6 record
18 TD’s, 15 picks
60.1 completion %
1 Super Bowl
Tom Brady
12-2 record
20 TD’s, 9 picks
60.7 completion %
3 Super Bowls
Hey Adam, you're A fucking idiot
I salute john and seanc for utterly falling into Adam's trap.
+100, Adam
John and Seanc are now officially the biggest rubes in the history of the Internet.
wow, so Boston basically sucks? So I guess that because i live here im racist? thanks for calling me a racist when you have no fucking clue whats going on in the world around you. And just because Boston sports are doing good everything else is completely fucked up here. right.... at least the people in Boston have an IQ of over 65 and realize what really matters, at least we didnt vote for Bush like you "cocksuckers and Douchebags, Fat Dick Eaters, Fuckheads, Cumguzzlers alright? so why dont you go kill your self because thats all you can ever contribute to society
Now see, everybody take a look Keith. That's the kind of light-hearted individual who doesn't take himself too seriously that we're looking to contribute to the site.
Keith, the beauty about hating Boston , the Pats and Sox is that it transcends party lines. I'd be willing to bet that there are people that didn't vote for Bush, yet still hate Boston and all of their sport teams. I'm pretty sure NYC is not a hot bed of Conservatism.
Way to set the bait Adam, nice job john and seanc for taking it.
Wow, Boston is doing their part to contribute to the intellectual wasteland that is rampant fan homerism.
I have straight (male) friends in Boston who would rather service Tom Brady than admit that the Pats cheated.
They'd have to get in line behind Bill Simmons, Tony Kornheiser, and Peter King.
How the interests listed in my profile have any bearing on points that I make about this post is beyond me.
Anyhow, basically everything in the post describes things that
a) no Boston fans actually do (pretending not to know who Chris Tucker is so you can called him "the colored guy"?)
b) probably most fans from other cities also do (complain about bad players on their teams)
c) don't make sense (not liking bad Boston accents in movies means that you are claiming to have had a "hardscrabble" upbringing; not liking Dane Cook because he's annoying means you don't like his hair)
Wow, NEers bust out the other thing they talk about too much, politics, to deflect their sports fan douchery. Calling yourself the Nation proves your fanhood like tivoing the Daily Show and regurgitating it to your friends with frosted tips proves that you know world affairs "and what really matters". I doubt you could hear what was going on in the world around you with your head winding through your colon.
Come ON, Drew. Dave Matthews? I'm insulted -- I was MUCH more of a Creed fan in high school.
Red Sox Monster
I find it helps to read the pro-Boston comments in the voice of Tollbooth Willie.
"I'll Cahlton Fisk you with a Louisville Fackin' Slaggah! Whaddyah thinkah that, assfack?"
Fack you an' ya lesbian fish eatin' friends!!!!
@ anonymous educator
I hear it'll be cold out tomorrow. Remember to put your socks on before your sandals. Douche.
@anonymous educator - that's kind of the point right? You can do this to anyone. I happen to be an SF fan...oh boy, here come the gay jokes!
People like doing it to Boston area fans because you are winning at everything right now (and happen to be REALLY big douchebags). You getting all huffy about it isn't helping your case. Douche.
WTF did I miss?
I really couldn't have given a shit about New England one way or the other, but after reading a lot of the comments, y'all didn't do much to disprove anything Drew said . . . now did you?
Douches.
P.S. The only reason the shit-ass Knicks beat the Celtics tonight was because of all the bad karma you soap-box loving New Englanders generated today. Congrats!
boring
Adam, extremely well played. That was even funnier than the actual BDD post to see how John reacted. John, your a cockbag. You are literally a bag of cocks.
Didn't know rooting for your team in the World Series automatically makes you a turd. Clearly I've only been wrong two times in my 22 years on this Earth.
Ugh, I'm stuck here for another year and a half. The boston fans are terrible.
I wish they'd realize that Tom Brady sucks. He just has a god-like offensive line. I'd be throwing as well as him with that offensive line. Come on you idiots, at least be a decent fan and give credit where credit is due.
Also, the patriots are ruining the game of football. It's called a running game and defense, most teams use them rather than trying to run up the score higher than their opponents.
And I'm glad the Red Sox finally won the World Series, because it's terrible to listen to you complain about Yankees buying championships when you were spending the second most and losing. Personally I just try not to watch such a crappy "sport." (Baseball fails the sandwich rule: you can eat a sandwich while playing, so it's not a sport.)
The comments on this thread by NE sports fans are totally vindicating everything in the above post. This is fast becoming my favorite KSK thread ever.
Growing up in the south, I never really had a baseball team - and it was during that brief period in the 80s when the Yankees really sucked - but I knew even then, as a six year old kid, that Red Sox fans were all a bunch of whiny fanny bandits. This has not changed.
Oh, and Adam: you fucking rock.
there's really no point in boston fans defending themselves on here, is there? defensiveness just gets you accused of further douchebaggery.
so, go pats :)
Boston-area fans sound kinda like Aggies. It's not enough for them that THEY think it's greatest school ever, they expect everyone else to agree with them and actually become upset when someone doesn't. You could call their mom a cum-guzzling whore and they'd laugh it off, but say anything even vaguely negative about A&M and they're ready to go Abu Ghraib on your ass. And do not ever ask an Aggie about that fucking bonfire. You'll be sorry.
And they sound a little bit like Dallas Stars fans circa 1999. They just would not shut the hell up about it. I don't see how listening to NE fans could be worse than listening to people in Dallas go apeshit over hockey. But I could be wrong about that.
"I wish they'd realize that Tom Brady sucks."
Uh, I'll happily join them in shouting you down on that point, my friend.
Boston fans drive like this...but NY fans drive like this!
Dude...
That was brilliant.
Although, I gotta stick up for the 28% of Boston sports fans that reside in the douchebag minority. We already take enough heat from those knuckledraggers that make up the majority. They treat us like faggoty retarded cousins because we DON'T want to slobber all over Brady's hog.
So...while I offer a mighty "go fuckyourself" to those closet racists that call the "whiner line" on EEI and piss an moan about Manny's lazy attitude, I've got to offer you a "fuckyourmother" for issuing an broadsided general assault against all Boston sports fans for being fortunate enough to be alive during a tremendously lucky period in time.
When the Red Sox finally won the World Series, I can honestly say I was happy for them. 86 years is a long time between titles. But when the White Sox won the following year, my feelings changed. Red Sox Nation was still annoying as hell, despite breaking their curse. It took the White Sox winning to show me what true fandom and appreciation is all about. I felt even happier for White Sox fans than I EVER felt for Red Sox Nation, to the point that I rescinded my happiness for the Nation and hoped that they all would die most grisly deaths.
So...while I offer a mighty "go fuckyourself" to those closet racists that call the "whiner line" on EEI and piss an moan about Manny's lazy attitude
Man, do I hate those fuckers. "We have a Hall of Fame leftfielder but he's not white and has stupid hair and my job sucks and I'm a bitter old bastard who can't stand success and blah blah blah someone euthanize me..."
Good stuff. I consider it an encouraging sign that I'm not like the type of fan you're talking about. I consider it a discouraging sign that this describes my douchebag friends almost exactly. Maybe if I was born in New England I'd be blind to how annoying the fans here are, but for better or for worse that ain't the case.
what i love about this is that the only people who don't find it funny either a) have never met a member of the Pats/RedSox Nation, or the b) ARE a member of the Pats/RedSox Nation.
Just about everyone else on the continent thinks it's fucking hilarious, as do I.
The only good thing about Brady is drafting him this year for fantasy in the first round, before drafting 4 "stud" running backs that are already injured. For that reason, I will double Drew's bounty to convince any of his "5 layers of protection" that they should keep blocking their hearts out and protect the golden [shower] boy!
@seanc
"A Yankees fan who apparently wears a Yankees hat to a Celts home game and then says that it is "vastly inappropriate" for people to say "Yankees suck" to her in that context? Hell, she may be worse than most of Boston's idiot brigade."
I never said I was wearing my Yankees hat to a Celts home game. I was wearing my Yankees hat to absolutely no sporting event of any kind. The only sporting events I do wear my Yankees hat to are Yankees games.
Reading comprehension, jackass.
this aaaticle is wicked awesome !!!1
FUCK BOSTON AND ANYTHING THAT COMES FROM NEW ENGLAND
Rules for being a smug anti-Boston blogger:
1) Remove the best comments that jab back at you in your blog
2) Rip bill simmons, but rip of his act in your blog
Defending your hometown, douchebag fan base is one thing, but I thought we ALL reached an agreement that Simmons has pissed away any goodwill following this current 2-3 month stretch of unparalleled whining, gloating and general fagotry. Somebody cut off his fingers. NOW.
PS-My girlfriend is from Framingham, and we pretty much aren't on speaking terms right now down here in Atlanta because I was such a sore sport about the Sox coming back - no affection for any woman can rid me of my Boston loathing.
don:
1) I haven;t deleted any comments here. What you see is the best rejoinders RSN has to offer. My apologies.
2) Do you see me talking about 90210?
Asshat.
Massholes
hi-sterical, drew.
the video of the pissah
going to the Yanks game
is great!
"Reading comprehension, jackass"
@cara: he went to a Boston school so you'll have to cut him some slack.
And Keith is clearly the biggest asshat of them all since he thinks that New England can claim to be the only section of the US that didn't vote for Dumbya. Hey moron, maybe we should rename New England the New Dumbfuckistan.
don:
"This post has been removed by the author" means the author of the post has removed it.
I'm here to help.
This is intense stuff. You guys really bring it!
this post is the gift that keeps on giving.
So let me get this straight: In order to try to undercut Boston sports fans you . . . write a 1500 word essay about Boston sports fans? (And of the 16 points you make any serious person would say that most of them apply to any sports fans anywhere.)
That said, yes, it's funny.
Didn't know that Drew went to Colby. Bates was too ambitious a safety school, I assume?
dcat
Wah wah, I don't like Boston fans. Boo hoo.
When's the post with the rules for being a fucking pussy?
"When's the post with the rules for being a fucking pussy?"
answer: when a Boston fan decides to write them.
"When's the post with the rules for being a fucking pussy?"
Currently being written by the guy who thought that a couple of strategically placed Lite Brites were part of a Cartoon Network related terrorist attack.
Sounds like your rules instructions for how to act when your team is good are from fight club.
Rule One. Don't talk about your favorite teams.
Rule Two. Don't talk about your favorite teams.
Yup, these are his readers.
quick followup--just for the record, I wasn't defending bill simmons, I was just putting this base rant in the same dumpster.
Pretty sad guys. A blog like this is proof of the excellence of all things Boston - nothing other than total ownership could trigger the whiny frustration at the level of a 15-year old virgin who gets his lunch money stolen every day by his younger sister. When somebody attacks you like this, you know you have won and there is nothing left to conquer. Sucks to be you.
Ain't life grand (for a Bostonian).
also, flying your dad into LA and hiring two gay-for-pay black dudes wearing GM-appropriate attire to ream you both out while you yell things like, "You're 'exceeding the cap' you idiot!"
So hysterical. Thanks.
Something else I noticed. "Red Sox Nation" Lets see, a nation within a nation, devout, united members, their lifestyle a religion to them, uniforms, violence, the whole thing. Sound familiar. Yeah, overseas they call it "The Taliban"
Lol at the guy pointing fingers at Bush voters from a state that still elects Ted Kennedy every time around
Hey c'mon, Adam was peddling BS and said Boston fans would overreact whether or not he was joking.
So I said I was laughing at him.
I'm throwing the red flag. No points for Alex from me.
Now I see that Josh Trevino has linked favorably to this post, so that explains the rampant stupidity in the comments.
Hey guys, would it have been easier if I had started by saying "ha ha, Adam, I see your ruse and am calling you out."? Or would that have been too obvious?
Screw this blog. Go Pats
AHAHAHA! You hate us, you really hate us! We win!
you're so right. it's getting intolerable. fucking awful boston fans.
internet message boards everywhere are under siege by douchebags from that area.
Jealous much? I could write an entire entry on how I loath the Braves and their annoying "o ooo oooo" chant. But no one would care because the braves suck now don't they. Way to play off what's popular to get more traffic to your site.
@Fredrik deBoer
CT is considered where the "boarder war" is I live there and the only safe place to grow up is in Fairfield County (where I live go Stamford!!!). Our hearts tend to lie more so with th NYC teams (us beaing 40 minutes away and all).
Side story: My best friend lives in boston, I went to visit him a few years ago it was february of '05. So we're hanging out in Sommersvile smoking outside of the bar when some dude starts pushing me, yelling "Who da fack do you think you ahr? Wearing that facking hat in Baston"...yep this dude was starting a fight with me because I was wearing a yankee hat. As a black guy I'm safer fucking white chicks in alabama than wearing a Yankees hat in boston...this country has come a long long way.
Do you honestly think the Patriots and Sox's recent success can be reduced to a "stroke of good fortune." This organizations did earn their success through smart ownership and player development.
Your suggested rules in the comments.
I guess some people would rather just give examples.
As a lifelong Pats fan, I gotta tell ya I love all the hate. This may be because, for the most part, I hate everyone. Except for my dog, and he kinda pisses me off too. so thank you all from the bottom of my heart. may you all rot in hell (along with everyone else!) Go Bill Simmons! by the way, this site rocks.
Drew,
This is by far your finest work. I'm from North Carolina and I used to have to deal with insufferable pricks that claimed to be Boston fans but have never been north of Maryland. I went to a Schilling rehab game, Pawtucket RedSox vs. Charlotte Knights (AAA) in Charlotte (the stadium is actually in South Carolina). There were literally 10,000 RedSox fans there. Fucking 10,000 RedSox fans in South Carolina.
Oh, and thank you for the Duke comparison. This really made my week.
Pretty sure I've never practiced any of your "rules" Drew, as big of a Sox fan as I am...pulling them out of your ass I suppose to get some publicity for your site. At least Simmons actually writes about sports, which you seem to know very little about.
Boston fans,
Michael Wilbon appeared on Bill Simmons podcast this past July (7/19 podcast: http://sports.espn.go.com/espnradio/podcast/archive?id=2864045).
He was discussing why he thought black athletes often do not want to play for a team in Boston. Basically, he said Garnett was reluctant to be traded because Boston has a reputation as being a racist town. Most people in the sports world respect Wilbon. Excuse me, most rational people in the sports world respect Wilbon's opinions on the sports culture in America. Boston fans are anything but rational. Which would explain why they are completely unwilling to admit that they're vaunted "Coach" Belichick is a cheater.
As someone far removed from the greater New England area I've got to say that, at this point, reading blogs about "Boston Sports Fans are the biggest douchebags in the world" has become a daily ritual (right up there with checking my email and reading dan shanoff...for example)
that said, it's played out right now. One could even say it has jumped the shark.
But, hell, anything that generates THIS kind of feedback must be doing something right.
Oh, for the record, I got a good chuckle out of the write up (and the comments too for that matter)...even IF it is the 259th varation of similiar blog rantings i've already read.
What jx said. Whining about Boston sports fans is beyond played out at this point. I'm just shocked the author couldn't squeeze an "I'm Rick James, bitch" or two into the article somewhere.
you know swear words. Cool.
this was funny and true
Boston fans may not be the most enlightened bunch on the planet, but given your rampant homophobia (i.e., constant use of the term "faggot" as a pejorative), I'd say you give them a run for their money on ignorance.
Also, I'm not sure someone who thought harassing a teenage girl was within bounds should be taking a position of moral authority.
You're a hypocritical homophobe who roots for lousy professional sports teams and thinks picking on young girls is funny. Why would I care about your opinion on anything?
I take much offense to your inclusion of Boston College in this article. I'm a student there, and there is nothing in the world I hate more than an arrogant Boston fan who thinks his shit happens to be god's gift to the world.
Nobody has any respect for the Patriots! None!
I'm a sorority girl, and even I hate those fucking pink ball caps.
That being said, 4-1 Sox going into the bottom of the 4th, ROWDY
Hey man, Nice post, I totally agree with you except for one thing. Dont lump Boston College into the dumbass fans category. Boston College is a private university in Chestnut Hill. The majority of the students there do not like the Red Sox or the Patriots, and most BC fans are not from Boston. I went to BC, but hate all Boston Pro sports. Give us a break. Thanks.
We RUN S***!!!BOW DOWN!!!EFF MARSHALL....WE ARE NEW ENGLAND!!!!!
REALITY CHECK...BOSTON TEAMS ALL EITHER CHOKED OR SUCKED AND NOW THAT THEY ARE ALL BALLIN OUT OF CONTROL YOU ARE ALL JUMPING ON THE HATER WAGON? GET A TALL GLASS OF HATORAIDE AND TURN ON ESPN ESPN NEWS CNN NBC ABC CBA AND THAEY WILL ALL SAY ....SOX WIN 13-1
!!!!KISS OUR CONVERSE...WHO'S THA MASTER ...SHONUFFF!!!!!!!!1
a few notes of disent:
1 - fans dont care if you hate us. Go ahead we hate you too.
2 - We DONT want everyone too root for us (as you noted in your "real fan" section)
3 - all said and done, your from CONN, which is really more New YOrk than New England. Its like the pinky of New england foot. Chop it won't effect shit. This also expalins: why you think everyone has the same hair cut and likes Dave mathews. The rest of us might all be a little racist, but atleast we're not all prepschool tough guys.
You're totally right. OMG! LOLZZ!!! Boston fans are a-holes! Awesome. And they talk funny. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Its so true too. Because saying things like, "FUCK BOSTON AND EVERYTHING IN BOSTON AND BOSTON FANS!" isn't douchey at all. Probably because they used all caps.
Boast about Bill Belichick’s strategic genius as if it is somehow indirectly your doing... - you're right. Saying that Bill Bellichick is a good coach is really douchey.
Bitch about Dane Cook “representing” you while, at the same time, rocking his exact same haircut. Hey fuckface...I would be willing to guarantee at least one Boston fan has the same haircut as you. I actually never thought that excluded you from bitching about someone, but if you say so - welcome to the club.
Always treat your fandom as membership to some kind of exclusive club of super cool people. YEAH! UNITY SUCKS! Its so much cooler to sit in the dark, alone, and blog.
Finally, bitch about everything yep...that is so just New England fans. In fact, we are always bitching about how other fans are assholes and then posting it on our blog. Ooops..wait. What? My bad.
"The rest of us might all be a little racist, but atleast we're not all prepschool tough guys."
What could a little racism between Massholes hurt?
Sour Grapes man
Eloquent Sour Grapes
But Sour Grapes nonetheless
Excellent post. And all the whining from the poor ittle-wittle misunderstood Pats faa-ha-wans was like buttercream frosting on a sweet chocolate cake.
After all, if there’s any group of fans that has a “Why can’t you be happy for us?” mentality, it’s New England sports fans. Not only do they act douchey when they win. But they fully expect you to jump on the bandwagon with them.
That says everything I've tried to explain about Boston fans for a decade. They were douches when they lost, but they always said they'd sell their left nut (as in, be cool) to win. But now that they win all the time they're even bigger fucktards.
And reading them try to play the "you're jealous" card here shows exactly how blind they truly are to their own syphilitic nonsense.
I should have the permalink to this printed on business cards to hand to the local Sawks shitcrust at the bar.
I refuse to believe that your parents live in Connecticut. If they actually did, you would know that the loss of Pucky was far more traumatic than the loss of Pat Patriot.
Fucking liar.
Actually, bandwagonitis is a grave problem these days, but at least the medical community is starting to recognize and address it:
http://www.crucialminutiae.com/?p=705
The Dropkick Murphys suck. The Standells suck. That's it.
Here's another rule:
SWEAR on your mother's life that you're a "real" Red Sox fan, then fail to name any bullpen pitcher other than Papelbon, Okajima, and Gagne.
"At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can’t fucking stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he’s not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he’s not gonna grasp much of anything."
Riiight.
“Yeah, ‘The Depahted’ was fackin’ great, but they don’t talk like that in fackin’ REVEEEEAH!!!!!”
It's true. No woman that hot would have a Boston accent.
Don't forget about acting like Neil Diamond wrote "Sweet Caroline" just for you and your douchebag friends. And to think I used to like that song.
Lost without their self-pity, Boston sports fans are overwhelming the city's suicide prevention hot lines. "They don't know how to handle being happy," one psychiatrist explained. "God help us if the Celtics keep winning." (eTrueSports.com)
after spending the last five years living in boston, getting my education, and being a yankee fan since birth, (i was born in Brooklyn, no bandwagon bs) i must say that most, not all but most, red sox and patriot fans i have met are newbies with no sense of history or class or rational thought pattern, for that matter. this can happen with all teams but the majority of it does happen in new england
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