Monday, October 29, 2007

Seventeen Points Isn't Too Big of a Spread -- Except for the Redskins! by Unsilent Majority

Mike Vrabel makes this post 1000 words shorter

Good morning, football fans. We're happy to inform you that our resident Redskins fan and gambling addict, one Unsilent Majority, is still alive this morning -- if just a teeeeeeeeensy bit touchy -- despite the Redskins playing the role of Monica Bellucci in Irreversible yesterday. In fact, he'll be along later with some good ol' homerade if we can get him to pull his head out of the oven.

In the meantime, let's take a look back on Maj's gambling advice over the last several weeks.

October 2

The New England Patriots are the NFL's version of blood diamonds, they may be evil and tainted but they'll make you rich! Richer than astronauts! Do you want to know how you too can actually enjoy the diabolical reign of Belichick and company? Of course you do! How else are you going to pay off your student loans from that semester at DeVry? Follow my three easy steps (plus one fuckin' complicated step) to success and soon you'll have a boat filled with gorgeous women like you were some sort of brilliant midget with a twin brother in tow.

1. BET HEAVILY ON THE PATRIOTS POINT SPREAD

2. MASTURBATE FOR 3 HOURS

3. COLLECT YOUR WINNINGS

4. EAT CAVIAR OUT OF A HOOKER'S ASS

Yep, it's really that easy. Now go sell all of your earthly possessions (yes, your daughter counts) and take the proceeds directly to your offshore bookie of choice.


October 4

New England -17 vs. Cleveland
I've now increased my bet on New England for the third consecutive week. Now we're up to a $100 wager, by the end of the season I'll be living here.

October 19

New England -17 at Miami
Patriots--FUCK YEAH!


October 26

Washington +17 -115 at New England
I've bet on the Pats every single week this season so it's been easy to tell what's going on here. They kept covering so Vegas kept raising the spreads... But now the Pats are playing an actual team (disclaimer: team may not have actual coach) with a defense rated in at or near the top of the league in every relevant category. I'm not saying that I'm picking my Skins to win outright, but Jesus fucking Siddhartha, they're certainly more capable than the incompetent pussybaskets of the AFC East.


Don't do it Maj! You still have the Wizards!

21 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS. THREE MORE DAYS.

Unsilent Majority said...

(disclaimer: team may not have actual coach)

read the disclaimer bitches!

Rusty said...

Haha. Too bad we still have the Celtics.

Gilbert guaranteed a win over the Celtics. If he fails to come through, UM makes that jump.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

At least they didn't get shut out!

Unsilent Majority said...

Oh Rusty, just go back to Boston already.

Countdown to KG's torn ACL begins....NOW

Steve H said...

KG walks like Greg Oden. Just thought I'd point that out.

Unsilent Majority said...

they both carry a big stick

Rusty said...

Alright, Gamblin' Man. Let's wager who misses significant time with an injury first: KG or Caron Butler.

Steve H said...

If KG goes down, Leon Powe starts alongside Kendrick Perkins. Or will it be Brian Scalabrine? I can't wait to find out.

Mike said...

I considered taking Maj's advice and taking Washington with the points. Instead, I think I'm gonna go test drive that Jaguar I've had my eye on.

Jackin'4Beats said...

So you didn't bet on the Pats? This is what happens when you let emotion get in the way of money and hoes.

God I hate the Pats even more now. Can someone with some juice call Bob Sanders and tell him that Tom Brady called his momma a ho?

Unsilent Majority said...

Even if KG isn't mysteriously run down in the crosswalk at 7th and G on his first trip through DC, your boys are still coached by Doc Rivers.

Jackin'4Beats said...

And don't you mean 4 more days? Nov. 2nd is this Friday.

Wormfather said...

Makes me sick to say this, but Maj, dont feel bad, Goodell just changed the final playoff tie breaker to "Differencial of Points Lost to Patriots By"

Wormfather said...

@Jackin'

You know what'll happen next: He'll be taken them hoes to Red Lobster, with the chedda biscuits. His house is going to be a haven for scandelous skeezers and stunts.

Wooderson said...

So when will the Pats break 100 this season?

I have a feeling it'll be the next time we play the Fins, who happen to blow farm animal genitals (pick your animal, it's all relative)

Hustler of Culture said...

So Drew, where can I donate money to the Tom Brady torn ACL fund?

I have never turned off a Skins game so early in my life.

Jackin'4Beats said...

@ wormfather

True, and he'll be right next to Roy Williams (no the other one) at Red Lobster, tippin waitresses like 5% 'n shit.

Fortunately, I didn't get subjected to the Skins ass-kicking because we got to watch the Giants/Fins slip-n-slide fest and the Jets/Bills suckfest in NY.

Gotta love that two team market more and more each week.

$50,000 bounty to the blogger who takes out the next announcer who says "across the pond."

lost said...

I'm just sayin, they are going to have to change bill belichek's middle name from Jebediah to "bitches".


I'm not a Patriots fan, but I love what they're doing. does that make me a sadist?

bfreakin3 said...

"irreversible" is a pretty obscure reference, though, for those of us who know exactly what 'playing the part of Monica Belluci' means, I don't think there's a more clear or more correct comparison.

kait said...

That's good, Jason. Ughh. Now call me Daddy. That's right. You drop that football and get ready for Daddy, Jason.