Sunday, October 21, 2007

Bill Simmons Has Graduated From Retard to the Urtard


Since early this season, I've tried valiantly to avoid Bill Simmons, he of the puffy jowls, the nasally voice and the inept game predictions. His work this season is an unremitting stream of recycled jokes and ramped up Patriots gloating that is devoid of reason or the faintest whiff of shame. Punter summed it up nicely in a recent e-mail thread, "He's gone from openly insightful (though somewhat dated) to a fact-bending homer."

This weekend, I had to spend Saturday night working the cops beat for the paper. This is okay because you get the occasional gem like this one: 6500 BLK, 12TH ST. MALE ATTACKED BY FAMILY DOG WHILE STABBING HIS WIFE. ANIMAL IS ON THE LOOSE IN THE AREA.

But it also involves long stretches of inactivity, with which I must fill with football-related reading. Running through enough of it (or churning up enough masochistic urges) I eventually got to Simmons' Friday picks column and came upon this stretch of mind-boggling retardery:

For instance, 0-6 Miami knows the '07 Pats could knock the '72 Dolphins out of the record books in three months. But what could they do to stop them? They're not beating them in a game. If they made a fishy trade to help out one of New England's rivals -- like, giving away Chris Chambers to San Diego for a late second-round pick, for example -- everyone would find it fishy and the league would crack down, because, after all, you're not supposed to cheat in the National Football League. They're helpless to stop it. In fantasy, fishy trades happen all the time and you can't stop them unless you have a commissioner who's stronger and more powerful than David Stern at his peak. Unfortunately, 98 percent of fantasy football leagues have a Gary Bettman type.

(Note: Thank God the NFL doesn't work like fantasy and San Diego couldn't steal Chambers away for a measly second-round pick simply because Miami wanted to take a dump on their fans, tank their season and preserve the legacy of the '72 Dolphins. Because that would suck.)

Put simply, this is the dumbest fucking thing I've read all year from any writer. Take a million supermikes writing on a million Etch-A-Sketches for a million years and you wouldn't come up with anything half as fucking asinine.

Really? We're supposed to believe a team like the Dolphins, a winless team obviously in need of unloading big money players for value while they still can in advance of overhauling their roster, is dumping their no. 1 receiver for no other reason than to fuck the Pats chances at an unbeaten season? Taking that logic, maybe they might have shipped him to a team that the Pats HAVEN'T ALREADY BEATEN! Why? To protect a 36-year-old record?

We're also to ignore the fact that Chris Chambers for a second-round pick isn't actually that lop-sided of a trade?

We may need another bounty.


37 comments:

smeos said...

Thank you for re-affirming my belief that the most concise insight on the NFL is found here and not on some overpaid douchebag's website. I prefer getting my analysis from underpaid douchebag's any day.

MDT said...

Chambers has had a grand total of 1 100 yard game against the Pats, back in 2001. In six years, he's only had four games (out of twelve) where he even caught 50 yards. He's torched them for a massive five touchdowns.

Yes, I'm sure he's the key to burning the Pats. Somebody call up Goodell, stat! Clear case of collusion.

Fucking idiot.

Jay said...

Um, isn't a second rounder actually more than Chambers is worth? If I'm a Chargers fan, I'm thinking we overpaid for that stiff.

And if getting Chambers for a 2nd is a steal, WTF is getting Moss for a 4th?

The only thing I can figure is that maybe he's thinking that if the Chargers and Pats were to meet in the playoffs that Chambers gives them a little better chance to win, thus preventing the Pats from going 19-0?

To be honest, he lost me at MoCap.

Moof! said...

Everyone from Boston is a piece of shit.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Everyone from Boston is a piece of shit.

That about sums it up right there.

Wanna said...

Take it easy, Bill. Why don't you stop talking for a while.

surt2k said...

I am hoping his 24/7 erection will cause him to have an aneurysm.

peytonloveskenny said...

@jay: There is no sense trying to rationalize what Simmons wrote. It is completely and utterly void of any sense of reality and logic whatsoever.

miamidiesel said...

I have nothing substantive to add, so I'll just say fuck Bill Simmons, and fuck Boston. I root for the terrorists to nuke that piece of shit city off the face of the Earth.

JD said...

The most interesting thing Simmons has done since 2004 is the one sided Dane Cook hate fest. I don't understand why Dane Cook is famous, so I sort of agree with Simmons on that one.

Otherwise, for someone who has absolutely nothing to do all day but get paid to think about sports, his NFL commentary is surprisingly bad and no one really cares about his NBA bullshit.

JAMMQ said...

Maybe we get a 2-for-1 and Simmons accidentally hurts Brady's knees with his elbows while sucking him off, and Simmons suffers lockjaw at the same time.

It could happen.

Dusty said...

Wow..he got paid to write that fuckwittery?

Amazing..

Robocats said...

Oh...my...dear....lord. What is that abomination unto the keyboard? WHY? WHY DOES HE STILL EXIST?

Wouldn't a better way to do it be to trade Chambers to a team that plays the Patriots for LESS than he's worth? A pre-deadline deal like this is unusual, but MY GOD, why wouldn't they? They have more rebuilding to do than the former-Soviet republics' economies.

If the trade actually were lopsided, it's far more likely that they are doing it in pursuit of their own history-making 0-16 mark than to try and protect the '72 Dolphins. FUCKING HELL HE'S STUPID. FUCK. If I wasn't in such a good mood from that Bears game, I might chip on for the bounty.

Russell K said...

I could totally write pretentious, homeresque B.S. like that all day long about the Cowboys, and it would be just as lazily researched and shittily written. I should get a job at ESPN. Maybe they'll let me get in line with the rest of the fucktards to give Tony Romo a blowjob.

I like him and he's a good quarterback and all, but the WWL just needs to shut the fuck up sometimes.

Nick said...

How about you go fuck yourself moof.

naptown drew said...

No... Nick, no. Moof has it right. Everyone from Boston is a piece of shit.

Take it from me. I'm from Indianapolis. We built a moat to keep you turds and the Black people out.

Otto Man said...

His fucking team is 7-0 and get cockslobbered by every announcer and analyst in the game, and he still finds a way to bitch and moan.

What a fuckwit.

mike said...

Don't look now, but those scrappy underdogs with a $143 million payroll are about to vanquish the mighty, hated Indians.

I hope Sean Taylor snaps Brady's leg, Garnett gets hit by a car and the Sportsgal's baby is black...

Dusty said...

The BoSox did it in grand style to boot. There is a God and she is happy tonight :P

Bring on those bible thumping Rockies! After all, who but the friggin Rockettes drinks fucking sparkling cider when they win the LCS for the first time in their franchise's existence?

Crazy Little Thing said...

Simmons: "Hey, I may be ugly, and I may be hate-filled, but, uh, what was the third thing?"

Les Savy Ferd said...

since my tribe just got mini-swept right out of the ALCS in most ignominious fashion, its just one more reason to avoid Simmons like the mutherfucking plague. As much fun as I had reading his live blog re-cap of Game 4, even then his renaming Asdrubal Cabrera as Ass-dribble made me wince. Its the sort of 'his name sounds like _____' douchebaggery a 4th grader employs and only other fourth graders find witty.

Howie Feltersnatch said...

Enough Simmons. I need my slappy tits fix

Otto Man said...

Its the sort of 'his name sounds like _____' douchebaggery a 4th grader employs and only other fourth graders find witty.

Case in point: Chris Berman.

Wormfather said...

Boston is so bad that decent people move there and become douchebags.

Christopher said...

I would just like to point out that Simmons is a Californian and not! not ! a Bostonian. Anyone that takes what he says and applies it to the general region is a fucking moron. No one I know considers Bill Simmons to be our representative.

So all you who would say bad things about New England because of Simmons, you are all fucking morons. And we probably just kicked your ass, and nothing is more pathetic than a sore loser.

Ken Dynamo said...

cant wait for that new simmons books after the pats perfect season. it should be fun for everybody.

the great bambi said...

@ christopher

Simmons is a californian?? ummm, noooooooo, he's a masshole who moved to california a couple years ago, he's still from boston and still a douche, as i believe big daddy drew himself said on this site last year simmons has combined the douchebaggery of a bostonian with the haughtiness of a Los Angelian (or whatever they get called), but he's still from boston and still a masshole...like everyone else from that area

Christmas Ape said...

Nice try, christopher. Simmons may have relocated to L.A. a few years ago but he still bears the distinct markings and mannerisms of a Masshole. That he garners the feverish support of all who continue to dwell within that fetid state only further confirms it.

Awkward Boner said...

Perhaps the Fins trading Wes Welker to the Pats should also be considered cheating, as he seems to help them KEEP WINNING. Fucking tard.

allie said...

I have to say, as a pats fan, and also a fantasy owner who's been forced to play both chris chambers and phillip rivers in recent weeks, anyone who thinks that trade is going to bring the pats to their knees probably hasn't seen either one of them actually play.

J.L. White said...

I do believe, after all that happened yesterday, that Simmons' next article will be a running diary of him laying on the couch, while rubbing his nipples, being fed grapes by Steve Sanders from 90210, and Hench and J-Bug take turns sucking him off. As usual, his infant daughter will be the one to actually write and post the "article."

Big Daddy Drew said...

Simmons is from Greenwich, CT.

Les Savy Ferd said...

the image for this article has a fairly interesting prgoression. moreso when you realize the Neanderthal looks more and more like he's about to start stroking it, and then there's Simmons with his hands in his pockets. Looks like Sports gal is not going to have to use quite as much starch when she presses those trousers.

Greg Schuler said...

I endorse Sons of the Sports Guy for all your one-stop Bill Simmons bashing.

Also, moof! is wise...

Big Jim Slade said...

Simmons is from Greenwich, CT.

I knew it- Bill Simmons is PETE GAS!

leaf said...

I' be waiting for the new bounty column. No fluff piecery there.

Jeff said...

Ive never been so appauled at any sports writing ever. First of all it was the most mind boggling thing ever put to paper, Chris Chambers in a conspiracy theory? Also, he is lame. Reading his articles are like watching the deleted scenes from a Family Guy episode, the worst of the unfunny and obscure refrences.

Reading this article makes rereading the one mentioned in the 'Boston area sports teams' that much funnier.
Simmons: "I dont understand why everyone hates the Pats. In other news the Dolphins are trying to screw with us by getting a great trade out of the chargers."

Then again thats probably the best filler he could come up with since he spends his time on his knees in front of his Brady Fathead, desperatly wanting.