Thursday, October 4, 2007

Kevin Everett Meast Of The Week – Week 4


It’s my birthday this weekend. I’ll be 31, which is pretty uninteresting. I’m always baffled as to what to do with my birthday. If you tell people it’s your birthday, you run the risk of being one of THOSE people. You know, those people that make their own birthdays a huge deal. I fucking hate people like that. It’s usually a chick. And she usually rents out a room for herself at some tiny bar in an inconvenient, shitty section of town and makes you come pay homage. Only there’s no open bar, and they only have Heineken (and it’s $10), and none of the chairs have proper lumbar support. Annoying.

But, if you don’t tell people it’s your birthday, then they get strangely pissed. “Shit man, it was your birthday? I could have made a token gesture of niceness to you in the hopes that you would reciprocate to me on my birthday! Fucker.” And people at work get super annoyed. “Hey, we could have had CAKE, asshole.” So there’s that.

I also fuck up my presents every year. My wife asks me what I want, and my brain comes to a dead stop. I know there’s SOMETHING I want. I just can’t get it to show up in my head at crunch time. So I end up getting a shirt. Only five weeks later will I remember, “FUCK! I wanted noise-canceling headphones!” Same thing happens at Christmas. I should write more things down. But I DID manage to get my wife to switch from watching "Grey's Anatomy" on Thursday nights to watching "The Office". So that's a present of sorts. And no, I don't have a DVR. Go fuck yourself.

When I was a kid, my mom would always bake me a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and candy corns on top for my birthday. It was kind of a tradition, one that my wife has happily continued throughout this 31-year extended childhood of mine. But this year, Mrs. Drew had other ideas.

Mrs. Drew: Can we have something else besides that candy corn cake this year?

Me: Fuck you.

Mrs. Drew: C’mon. Live a little.

Me: If you don’t like the candy corns, get a chocolate cake, and a separate bag of candy corns, and then I will sprinkle candy corns on my own piece. And then everyone will be happy. Especially me. Because I rule.

Mrs. Drew: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

That’s the key to a good marriage, kids. Compromise. Maybe the Cutlers could learn a thing or two from me and my old lady. Your Meast of the Week is Osi Umenyiora of the Giants.


Six sacks? Well, that makes my selection process easier. I think Winston Justice should be nicknamed EZ Pass.

29 comments:

the great bambi said...

Now did you mean that "none of the chairs have proper lumbAr support"? The lumbar are the vertebrae in your lower back (plus then you sound like a pirate saying it). Or did you just mean the chairs keep breaking when you sit in them owing to shitty lumber, in which case maybe you're just a fat ass and don't need any candy corn on your cake...

Upstate Underdog said...

Penis cake ! Happy birthday and I always ask for a blow job from the wife on my birthday.

Chris said...

Now did you mean "sit on them"? Or did you just mean like removing the seat cushion and sitting on the ground inside the chair frame?

--csc

J said...

haha sweet me and BDD have the same birthday. Enjoy by praying that Major Dad got the memo about Petersen being Purple Jesus...I know I will be.

Five Pound Bag said...

Happy birthday. Enjoy your shirt and cake. Darnell Dockett >> Osi Menstruaora. Thanks for playing.

mamacita said...

Why don't people just stick to buying liquor for birthdays?

Slash said...

That cake is one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen.

If you can't get your wife to make you the special birthday cake (and I don't see why not, it's just one day a year, damn) at least try to negotiate a blowjob (or whatever you prefer) out of it, if you haven't already. I think if there's any day of the year you should be guaranteed a blowjob, it should be your birthday. Not to get too personal, I'm just sayin'. I'm on your side on this one.

And you're right about the office birthday shit, there are few things worse than a work gathering at a crappy bar someone else chose. Tiresome.

samsquantch said...

31? Man don't you hate those anti-climactic birthdays? Sure, 21 rocks but 22? So what you've been able to drink for a year now, nobody gives a shit. 30 is a big b-day but 31? Total let down. Me, I got 40 coming up next year and I am not draggin folks to some crap shack bar. I am having friends and family send me to Budapest for 10 days. Hungarian babes rule.

Happy Birthday Drew. You provide me with so much quality entertainment I would be remiss in not wishing you well and that you get your pansy ass candy corns.

Pemulis said...

Might I suggest having a Lemon Party?


Happy birthday


and sweet christ i hope the Jets O Line can keep Osi from sodomizing Chad on Sunday

twoeightnine said...

Holy fuck you're old. I thought blogs were for 20-somethings?

the great bambi said...

@twoeightnine

and you'd think that if his wife wouldn't make him his special birthday cake that at least his mom would since she's in the kitchen right above the basement he's blogging from

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Suck It Icarane:

I care about Drew's fantasy advice, his Bald Mountain Fantasy advice

Bucktown Skins Fan said...

BDD, you're mom lied to you if THAT'S what she told you candy corn was.

Or your adopted black uncle lied to you and made your mom "just go along" with it.

Yikes!

John John The Bastard said...

Osi Menstruaora.

With writing this witty, It's amazing you don't have you're own entry on Page 2 (no offense DJ).

I can hardly wait to see what's next, Brett Fart? Jay Buttler? John Sh*tna? TJ Douchemanzadeh?

My Insignificant Life said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
My Insignificant Life said...

31 - shit, I was 31 once - tomorrow I turn 43 - crap, I stopped counting - ok I did for tomorrow because I have to renew my D/L and saw what year I was born in. My wife won't be making me any cake (bitch) or even a cup cake (double bitch) and I won't even hope for a blow job (triple bith).

I'll end up with a hand made card from my daughter - awwww - and be told that I have to save it, take it to work (getting misty eyed now) and my son will mumble something unintelligble as he does every morning. But, I am going to get my hair cut and Jessica (who cuts my hair)is hot, maybe I'll get a birthday grab from her.

Then tomorrow afternoon, I'll pop open a beer around 4 or so and the wife will say, isn't it early? I'll say, fuck you, no, I'm already behind my birthday drinking schedule already - now go get me another beer - this one is almost empty.

Happy Birthday Drew - just remeber the first 39 are easy, 40 is a bitch...

Leafar said...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/richardliriano/301568431/

Can you use that picture of Osi?

The WB said...

Could you do me a favor and keep your ass-hattery limited to this site and stop dragging Deadspin's reputation through the mud with your weekly doucheapalooza?

Thanks!

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Happy birthday.

Your wife should get you a football. If you like you'll both be happy and if you don't at least she doesn't have to worry you hitting her with it.

jforks said...

what stuck out for me most was the "i want no country for old men to come out a month early..." comment---i've got such a hard on already for that movie...

Big Daddy Drew said...

@The WB. Sorry, no can do.

But I hope your new life as The CW is working out for you. I hear "Reaper" is quite good.

flubby said...

the wb:

Could you do ME a favor and keep your comments about Deadspin content to the Deadspin comment threads?

What's that? You don't have DS commenting privileges? Well, toughy titty, kiddie.

Otto Man said...

Man, I didn't realize that was a penis cake when I ate it at the Funkhousers.

Happy birthday, Drew. You're right, 31 is a boring one, but in two more years you'll be able to brag that you're older than Jesus.

Yeah, that's right. Who's your messiah, now?

flubby said...

otto:

"YOU FED ME BALLS!!!" - Larry D.

Mastodon said...

i fuckin hate candy corn.

i'm glad someone is helping to reduce the national supply

Jackin'4Beats said...

I also fuck up my presents every year. My wife asks me what I want, and my brain comes to a dead stop. I know there’s SOMETHING I want. I just can’t get it to show up in my head at crunch time.

I suggest you cut back on the bong hits before, during and after the games on Sunday...and write shit down once in a while.

Happy B-day BDD. Maybe Purple Jebus will gift wrap a belated win for you next weekend.

Dusty said...

Holy fuckamoly. Happy b-day BDD. Is that phallus symbol chocolate by any chance?

5150 said...

Lewis Black would like to have a word with you. Candy corn is as gay as that fucking cake.

Dr. Seuss' penis, I really mean this.

goldglovecf13 said...

I ran xc in highschool and after halloween junior year we had a candy corn eating contest. The winner ate 9 pounds and spent 4 days in the hospital, and 2 other kids spent the night. Lesson learned...CANDY CORN IS THE SHIT!