Wednesday, October 10, 2007

46 States Ratify Favre Amendment

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- 46 states, more than the necessary two-thirds three-fourths, today ratified the 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, known as the Favre Amendment, the first such change to the nation's founding document in 15 years.

The amendment requires all working quarterbacks in the United States to be more rugged and rascally, with a twinkle in each eye and a song in their hearts. It also establishes throwing a shovel pass across the field off your back foot to an opposing linebacker as the national "football move." Furthermore, it designates Kiln, Miss. as a National Historic Landmark for Quarterbacking, rather than for general squalor.

With the amendment's passing, Tom Brady, Carson Palmer, the Manning brothers, David Carr, Kurt Warner, Drew Brees, Philip Rivers, Derek Anderson, Jason Campbell, Damon Huard, David Garrard, Kelly Holcomb, Brian Griese, Jeff Garcia, Marc Bulger, Matt Hasselbeck, Brady Quinn, Byron Leftwich, Alex Smith, Jay Cutler, Joey Harrington, Trent Green, Chad Pennington and Trent Edwards- all deemed insufficiently rascally- will be forceably relocated to the Canadian Football League.

Tony Romo, Donovan McNabb, Vince Young, Rex Grossman, Jon Kitna, Steve McNair, Ben Roethlisberger and Daunte Culpepper will be allowed to remain in the country, provided they grow some more stubble on their faces.

"I'd really like it if we could refer to the Favre Amendment as the Fourth Amendment," President Bush said during a press conference, the duration of which he held aloft four fingers. "I already disregard the Fourth Amendment that's in place, so it just makes more sense that way."

Reached at a Packers training facility in Green Bay, Favre was effusive.

"Aw, gosh. It feels great. The Constitution has always been a hero of mine. To be mentioned in the same breath as unapportioned federal taxes on income and other guys really makes it special. I tell ya, I just try to get up and, day in and day out, do what it is that I can to help my team. And now everyone else has to, on minimum penalty of three to five years in a federal prison."

34 comments:

My Insignificant Life said...

John Madden approves.

smurphette said...

Funny how one of the cosponsors of the resolution, Mr. Shuler of North Carolina, would be exiled to Canada under the new rules. Lucky for him, he's no longer in the NFL.

Robocats said...

Kyle Orton has suddenly received several offers for a starting job, in light of the shortage of quarterbacks with facial hair that meets the strict white-trash requirement.

Robocats said...

Oh my shit, you mean that thing is based on an actual resolution. I feel like my Michael Vick, I'm gonna need some time to process this shit.

"Whereas in addition to the career touchdown mark, Brett Favre also holds the NFL record for greatest number of wins by a starting quarterback and the NFL record for playing in the most consecutive games as a starting quarterback;"

They left out that he has tied, and almost certainly will pass George Blanda for most ints, a mark that I know Bears fans, and DBs everywhere will cherish.

DigitalHeadbutt said...

Will Jake Delhomme be allowed to stay upon his return from injury? No one else can serve his brand of biscuit justice.

Matt said...

Come on, Digital....

You can't say that without posting the link to the Bojangles commercial.

But it just makes me hungry anyways. Probably a good idea that you didn't.

Happy Fun Miles said...

Robocats and I were thinking the same thing. That amendment needs to be amended to include Mr. Orton.

BigFootFool said...

Strange for you to get so political on the Bush man with the 4th amendment talk.

Classic

the great bambi said...

Wait I thought Jay Cutler was a gunslinger with some Brett Favre in him, that's all I heard on draft day in 2006. The Amendment that has been amended to include Mr. Orton needs amending.

In other news, those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked have been sacked.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

Tom Brady is only three fifths of a quarterback.

SlideShow Bob said...

nothing better then a "sorry testaverde you're not rascally enough either" tag

Rusty said...

"46 states, more than the necessary two-thirds"

Civics 101, man! You need three-fourths of the states. You need two-thirds of both chambers.

I know you don't care.

Sorry.

darthmoridin said...

What's a shuffle pass? Is it a tribute to Ickey Woods or something?

Boy Howdy said...

And to think, this overwhelming ratification occurred the day after a related bill died in committee.

the great bambi said...

the real question is what 4 states didn't ratify the amendment? they should be immediately expelled form the Union, after all, if you don't root for brett favre, you don't root for america

Greg said...

Bambi - Illinois, New York, Massachusetts, and, strangely enough, Mississippi

Shan said...

thank god, new york and massachusetts are out of the united states.

does that mean that we are allowed to invade them for not good reason and kill all the yankee and redsox fans with mercenaries that wont be held accountable for any of their actions?

Shan said...

*no good reason

the great bambi said...

i think it means we get to slaughter them all and all members of the "red sox nation" and yankee/mets fans are deemed foreign combatants who we get to imprison and do abu graib shit to, oh happy day!

Big Jim Slade said...

Tom Brady is only three fifths of a quarterback.

Whereas Namath was three fifths IN a quarterback?

Jackin'4Beats said...

Tony Kornholer (uh I mean Kornheiser) and the milky white substance on his chin wholeheartedly agrees.

Pemulis said...

somewhere, drew bledsoe is mumbling through a burger that he is rascally enough

swing4 said...

First, "rascally" is one of my favorite words, ever. Second, I sense and edit for column length -- where is the part of Brett's quote where he mentions his proud father looking down on him from heaven on this important day? Hack journalism (shakes head).

NHZ said...

Sorry, Bledsoe would have to mumbling through a chilidog for him to be rascally enough.

Nash said...

Word of this new amendment has not yet reached Jake Plummer in his cabin in the woods of Montana, but he'll be pleased. For he is... the grizzly man.

charles said...

Weis hits beach after Notre Dame's win at UCLA (photo included!)

Stanford mathletes finally solve 'trojan theorem'


Suzy Kolber kicks bass
www.thespottedbass.com

The Pirate Sloth said...

That means Slash can come back! He's rascally!

Oh wait, they don't mean in a gay way do they?

Jay said...

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

Steve McNair is deemed rugged enough? He's held together with used gum and paper plates!

Christmas Ape said...

Like Brett Favre, Steve McNair is admired for past accomplishments.

ben said...

Steve McNair totally deserves it. He's managed to remain rascally in Baltimore without catching syphilis, which says something about his true level of endurance.

Kyle Boller? GONE.

Jez said...

Great, I think you're only like a week and a half late from making this a viable post. Where were you guys when he broke the record for most TD passes?

See, this is what smoking pot does for ya...

dick_gozinia said...

I guarantee that Congressman Ron Paul did not vote for the Favre Amendment.

Drizztdj said...

It is my dream that Pat Williams sits on Madden's face everytime he utters the word Farve during a Vikes/Packers telecast.

lanceoceanside said...

all the hate for Brett Favre. haters.???