Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Embracing the Evil

Sure Mr. Belichick, you can have whatever your heart desires!


The New England Patriots are the NFL's version of blood diamonds, they may be evil and tainted but they'll make you rich! Richer than astronauts! Do you want to know how you too can actually enjoy the diabolical reign of Belichick and company? Of course you do! How else are you going to pay off your student loans from that semester at DeVry? Follow my three easy steps (plus one fuckin' complicated step) to success and soon you'll have a boat filled with gorgeous women like you were some sort of brilliant midget with a twin brother in tow.

1. BET HEAVILY ON THE PATRIOTS POINT SPREAD

2. MASTURBATE FOR 3 HOURS

3. COLLECT YOUR WINNINGS

4. EAT CAVIAR OUT OF A HOOKER'S ASS


Yep, it's really that easy. Now go sell all of your earthly possessions (yes, your daughter counts) and take the proceeds directly to your offshore bookie of choice.

This week the evil ones take on the crappy dangerous crappy Cleveland Browns and the spread is up at -16.

"But Maj, 16 is waaaay too many points."

SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING TWAT ROCKET!

There's absolutely no need to worry. The Pats have yet to win a game by fewer than three touchdowns. You can't lose!*

So to you New England Patriots, I offer up a cup of coffee. You evil fuckers have proven to be coverers of the highest regard.




*You will almost certainly lose

24 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

Starbucks ? Pat Patriot only drinks Dunkin Donuts coffee, it was founded in NE for god's sake.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

Step 1: Will do.

Step 2: DONE!

Step...nevermind. I lost interest.

Unsilent Majority said...

Pat Patriot only drinks Dunkin Donuts coffee, it was founded in NE for god's sake.

Yeah, well Simmons and PK both drink Starbucks and whatever they say goes.

Chuckles said...

Step 5.....profit?

the great bambi said...

Simmons and PK also enjoy sexual intercourse with their respective QB of choice, so should you really trust their coffee selection?

Awful Chief said...

The beauty of this is its simplicity. If the plan gets too complex, something always goes wrong. If there's one thing I learned in Nam--

Steve said...

only fuck the hookers that cough?

Pemulis said...

*winnings paid out in wampam

Christmas Ape said...

I think the "jinx, jinx, jinx" tag adds itself.

rand said...

I'll be the first to admit I've ridden the pats money train the last couple weeks, that being said, doesn't it seem a little too easy this week?

I'm rolling to Vegas tomorrow for a weekend of football and the PacMan/Barerra fight.

Any other lines (esp in college)... hello Wisconsin +3 and Lou -14.5, you kids are banging this weekend?

Unsilent Majority said...

PacMan/Barerra fight

Lucky fucker. Please take a picture of your blood splattered clothes.

p.s. fuck college football

Shan said...

my roommate buys starbucks coffee for our apartment, i call him a snobby little bitch...

Ken Dynamo said...

rice is a really good food if youre hungry and you want like, a thousand of something.

QWIJIBO said...

can someone give me the "Cliff Note" version of this last blog entry, I kinda lost my concentration after the picture of the scantily clad Filipina woman.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I think uzh's animated avitar says it all when it comes to watching the Pats on ESPN.

Either that or someone needs to strangle Tony Kornheiser with his own shoelaces after he wipes Brady's man juices from his mouth.

Wormfather said...

Mitch Hedberg is/was the fucking man, saw him live a couple of times.

"You ever notice how escolators are never out of order? They just become stairs. Whoaaaa.

Wormfather said...

One more...

"All right...that joke is going to be good because I'm going to take all the words out and add new words. That joke will be fixed."

Could use some of that honesty around here, eh?

My Insignificant Life said...

For a brief moment, I thought that Pat Patriot was pissing in the Starbucks.....not that this would be a bad thing...

Robocats said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robocats said...

I agree with upstate underdog. Perhaps you misunderstand the complete and utter saturation of Dunkin' Donuts in New England. I'm going to college in Providence, and there are probably a half dozen within a 20 minute walk. In a 23 minute walk, is the Dunkin' Donuts Convention Center. Not to mention the television commercials, a particularly insidious one featuring both the Patriots AND Chris Berman. They are evil incarnate, but damn it, they make a good cinnamon doughnut.

denvergodfather said...

hehe TWAT ROCKET

Unsilent Majority said...

robocats- i'm all too familiar. the one time i was in providence I saw three DD's within two blocks.

Franklin said...

Amen, Who will step up do the lords work and claim this gracious bounty? Ahh yes there is only one man that can step up for the browns of Cleveland next week and claim this reward. A man that once dined with the devil. A man that is adorned in the devils jewlrey. A man that when he finally went and asked the devil for rewards for his efforts was spited and sent down like a dirty dog to the dawg pound. That man my friends.......................................................................is WILLIE MCGINEST!

Slash said...

I would not recommend eating anything out of a hooker's ass. Just sayin'.