Thursday, October 11, 2007

Why must I chase the cat?


True Raiders fans know that every coach since Tom Flores has been a pathetic underachiever (especially Jon Gruden, fuck him). But some current Raiders are treating this weekend's game against San Diego like it's old home week.

Nostalgia simply for the sake of nostalgia is the bane of my existence. Those Metal Skool retards are a prime example. Shit gets relegated to the dustbin of pop culture for a reason. There's no such thing as enjoying it ironically, dicksmack, you just have shitty taste.

Not sharing this opinion is Oakland wide receiver Jerry Porter, who, I shit you not, was waxing sentimental ahead of this weekend's game against the Chargers. Jerry, you see, unlike the Raiders fans who haven't been able to suppress the horrible memories of the past four seasons, is fond of the Norv Turner era in Oakland.


"My dog Norv? Gotta love my dog Norv." - Jerry Porter


Let's put it this way, if Norv were my dog, I'd be making a trip to the pound (or Surry County, VA). But if Norv really was a well-known dog, which one would he be? Let's find out.


Marmaduke

While we wouldn't be surprised to hear about some frottage in Norv's cottage, this seems like a bad comparison. Marm always gets what he wants-- milquetoast Norv, not so much. Incidentally, my late grandfather loved him some Marmaduke. But for some reason, he lived under the impression that his name was "Mandrake."



Mister Peabody

Are you fuggin' kidding me? Peabody invented the coddam WABAC machine. Norv can't even figure out a way to stop the zone blitz.






The Junkyard Dog

JYD knew how to handle 'roided up freaks like Hercules Hernandez and Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. Norv on the other hand is still struggling with Shawne Merriman.






Droopy Dawg

Okay, I think we are getting closer. Still, Droopy's sad-sack demeanor is somewhat endearing and garners him some sympathy. Norv's sorry-ass coaching record only elicits scorn and canine-related mockery.




Sandy from Little Orphan Annie

Ding, ding! I think we have a winner....

Assistant coach (speaking to Norv through headset): "Okay coach, we're down by nine with five and a half minutes. We have all three timeouts. It's fourth and one on our own 46. Do we want to punt or go for it?

Norv: Arf!

Asst: Excuse me?

Norv: Arf!

Asst: What the fuck do you mean, 'arf'? We are trying to win a fuckin' game and all you can say is 'arf'???

Norv: Arf!

Asst (sighs): We're boned.


20 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

Be sure to drink your Ovaltine, Norv!

naptown drew said...

Gosh, for a blog claiming to be down with The Simpsons...

Norv really does remind me of Santa's Little Helper. At his core he is utterly retarded, yet he shows just enough intuition to make his owner believe he could really be the one with enough time and love.

Pemulis said...

His poor play calling is probably due to his lack of decoder ring

Dave H said...

Breaking news for ESPN:

Norv Turner busted in credit card fraud ring, using an alias known as Santos L. Halper.

Christmas Ape said...

Satchel Pooch from Get Fuzzy.

kurt said...

+1 for using the word dicksmack, flubby

Dave H said...

Norv is like Nate Dogg.

In his world, "the rhythm is the bass and the bass is the trebble."

You don't want to see Norv Dogg go into Freak Mode.

Big Jim Slade said...

GRAB THEM CAKES!

Slash said...

I've actually heard of this Norv Turner guy. What's "Norv" short for? Or is that his actual name? I really wanna know, but I'm too lazy to Google it.

SlideShow Bob said...

I think Naptown Drew was on the right track, but Norv is more like another dog on the Simpsons-"Poochie". At the time it seemed like a good idea but in the end boy do u regret it.

5150 said...

Clearly, your grandfather was a Linux nerd.

Bryan said...

Norvall Turner.

Bryan said...

god i'm a prick

Jimbromski said...

Norv is short for Norvcus, his mother was a huge fan of Marvcus Patton. His nickname since birth has been Never Nervous Norvcus.

Norv as dog = Odie, by the way.

lanceoceanside said...

How is Norv Turner any worse than the other 12 head coaches the Raiders have had in the past 10 years? You should be asking for Al Davis to shit his Depends some day and call it a career. Just EAT BRAN BABY!

Otto Man said...

Why must he chase the cat?

Nothin' but the dog in him.

Slash said...

Norvall - OK, now "Norv" makes sense. "Norvall" looks like the name of a birth control device, for some reason.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Norv = Dogbert

I win.

fallex said...

He's the kung fu hippie,
From gangsta city?
He's a rappin' surfer,
You the fool he pities?

Vipul said...
This comment has been removed by the author.