Monday, December 10, 2007

Ask Drunken Joe Namath!


From time to time, KSK has reeled in big-name NFL players and analysts to answer questions from fans the world over. We had Mike Wilbon, Tony Dungy and, of course, Yukon Cornelius. But as we near the end of this historic season, we felt we needed to bring in someone big, someone who knows the ins and outs and ins and outs and ins and outs of pro football better than anyone else. Someone we should have introduced to the site back when we started a year and a half ago. But today, and through the end of the season, he will be here to answer your questions. Ladies and gentlemen, I cede the floor to the one and only Drunken Joe Namath!

Jill T., Bethesda: Hi, Joe! Joe, what did you think about the Steelers guaranteeing a victory over the Patriots and then losing so badly? Do you think these lame guarantees devalue your guarantee way back when?

Drunken Joe Namath: Well, Jill, I’ll tell you. History has that story all wrong. Hold on just a moment. My bourbon glass is only three-quarters full. (fills rest of glass) AH! THERE! Now THAT is a way to spend a morning! Anyway Jill, legend goes I guaranteed a win over the Colts. But that’s not true. What I guaranteed was that I would make Ann-Margaret a real woman that night! And I did! And I’ll do the same for you, Jill. It doesn’t matter if you’re under 18. LEGENDS GET A FREE PASS ON YOUNG ASS! I feel great! Who wants to split a Scorpion bowl?!

Mary J., Brooklyn: We love ya, Joe! Joe, what do you think of Eli Manning and my Giants? Do they have what it takes to go far in the playoffs?

Namath: Well, Mary, I tell you this: that Peyton Manning is one heckuva good quarterback! He’s got the heart of a LION! Say Mary, you sound like quite a saucy little minx. Why don’t you meet me at the Holiday Inn just down the street? Ask for Frank Pentangeli. That’s my code name. They’ll escort you to Room 306 right away. That’s my lucky room! THEY HAVE FREE ICE!

Donna K., Boston: Joe, will the pressure mounting on the unbeaten Patriots cost them in the playoff?

Namath: The playoffs? The Patriots? With Jim Plunkett quarterbackeeng that team? Ho ho ho, Donna! I think not! Tell ya what, sweetheart. Why don’t you come on over and you and I can figure out a fun way of ignoring the Pats’ struggggggles. God, it’s so hot in here! (unbuttons top button on shirt). I’VE NEVER FELT SO TAN!

Beth R., Queens: WE LOVE YOU, JOE!

Namath: And I love you! You gave me goosebumps, Beth. Look at those goosebumps! I can’t keep ‘em down! (drinks jar of Barbicide)

Jane R., Indianapolis: Joe, don’t you think the Colts deserve a bit more credit for their recent play. They’ve dominated, my man!

Namath: It’s true, Jane! Those Colts are outstandeeng at playeeng both on offense and defense. I’m sorry, but did anyone tell you your name reminded them of Jane Fonda? I tell ya, that Hanoi Jane sure knew how to party! When that girl wasn’t sitteeng on tanks, she was sitteeng on other large objects! WHO WANTS A CIGAR?!

Betty H., KC: Joe, what about the Dolphins? They got killed yesterday! Will they ever win a game?

Namath: Will they ever win a game? Lemme tell you sometheeng, Betty Boop! That Don Shula is one heckuva leeeeeeeeader! He’s gonna win a lot of games for you down in Miamee. YOU CAN BET ON IT! Betty, my dear, you got a sexy way of typeeng. How about you join me out on the veranda? I’ve got a bottle of Prosecco on ice and notheeng but free time! My lounges have very thick cushions!

Judy B., Arlington: Joe! Help my Redskins! Should Gibbs stay or go?!

Namath: That’s a tough question, Judy. I’m gonna have to think about that one. (drinks bottle of kerosene) AH! Nectar of the Gods! Judy, lemme tell you about the time I bagged Judy Garland! It was one of her very last tours, and she was a lonely, lonely, woman! But when ol’ Joe took her in his arms, she knew she was in for a special night! Even today, I bet there are still some little Joes floateeng around in her Kansas Twister. WHO WANTS A SHRIMP COCKTAIL! I LOVE RETIREMENT MORE THAN I LOVE MY CHILDREN!

Jenny Q., Las Vegas: Joe, who do you like to come out of the NFC? Dallas is dominating, but the Packers and Seahawks look strong too!

Namath: Jenny, that NFCeeeee is one wild conference! Boy, I tell ya, it’s like the ol’ West out there! And I love how that Brett Favre plays the game. Say Jenny, you’re from Vegas, eh? You must know a lot about discretion. Lemme tell you what Joe Namath really likes. He likes watcheeng women “handle” themselves! I admit it! Kinda crazy! But sitting back with a bloody bull and watcheeng a beautiful girl play her pussy harp is one great way to spend a night? LET’S HIT THE FLAMINGO! I know one of the dealers there. Brown fellow. Always gives me a fair shake!

Jimmy D., Malibu: Hey Joe, I was wondering…

Namath: Next question.

Jenna S., Sarasota: Joe! How about some love for the Bucs!

Namath: Oooh! If you need love, Jenna, ol’ Joe’s here to give it to ya! Why don’t you and I have another drink together? Do you like gin? I LOVE GIN! Is that a karaoke machine? Let’s hit it!

I’ve had the time of my life…
No, I’ve never felt this way before…
Yes, I swear…
It’s the truth…
And I owe it all to you!!!!!


I FEEL GREAT! LET’S PLAY HEARTS! I WANNA KISS EVERYONE!

17 comments:

Crazy Little Thing said...

Ask for Frank Pentangeli.

Lines like that make my day.

devang said...

pussy harp

Always learn something new from BDD.

Matt said...

I assume Ufford wasn't planning on being photographed when he left the house in that shirt.

Captain Caveman said...

Oh go fuck yourself. The make-fun-of-that-shirt thread was 10 months ago.

Pemulis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pemulis said...

yea, clothes jokes are old news... pale jokes however, are timeless. let's hear some of those

My Insignificant Life said...

LET’S HIT THE FLAMINGO! I know one of the dealers there. Brown fellow. Always gives me a fair shake!

+5 for going old school at the Flamingo! Bugsy Siegel would be proud.

Awful Chief said...

gotta love the Flamingo for offering surrender...
and you gotta love joe for lovin' mercerized cotton.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Sandals Resorts?

I guess that's Namathy.

*I'm teelin ya, ya look jus like that Steely McBeam fella, but not in the eyes, those look like Pat patriate.."
-KCC

/so creepy

Hank said...

C'mon now, leave Ufford's pastiness alone.

He's got the healthy glow of a ream of copy paper. I didn't think it was possible for a human being to be translucent, but there you have it.

Awful Chief said...

sometimes i feel like i'm beating a dead horse and i don't know why you'd be bringing me down...

Gourmet Spud said...

Shows how much Joe knows. I bet Jimmy D. from Malibu was going to ask him if he wanted to bang his wife.

Grandmaster Wang said...

There's nothing funny about vapor lock.

JAMMQ said...

And then people wonder why Ufford's so angry . . .

I can't believe Joe made it through the entire mailbag without using the most obvious of fall back of drunken come-ons . . . "I just wanna kiss you . . ."

But I guess that's reserved for the one, the only, Suzy Kolber.

Mike said...

Will they ever win a game? Lemme tell you sometheeng, Betty Boop! That Don Shula is one heckuva leeeeeeeeader! He’s gonna win a lot of games for you down in Miamee. YOU CAN BET ON IT! Betty, my dear, you got a sexy way of typeeng. How about you join me out on the veranda? I’ve got a bottle of Prosecco on ice and notheeng but free time! My lounges have very thick cushions!

Tour de force. Outstanding.

sleepyfloyd said...

How about.. "Theyyyy'rrre struuuuggggleeeeiiing...?"

Jackin'4Beats said...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH my eyes!!!!!!!!

My retina's are on fiyaaaaaahhhhhhhh

Oh yeah and drunken Joe is the balls.