Wednesday, December 19, 2007

If You’re Looking For Intercourse Under $300, You’ve Found The Right Man

Oh, hello there. Please, please. Come on in. Can I have Michelle take your coat? MICHELLE! Take this man’s coat, will you?

(girl wearing a beige body stocking takes your coat and smiles at you)

Can I have Leanna pour you a drink? Some port, perhaps? Excellent.

(pours you a glass of port)

Would you mind if I also partake? Oh, very well then!

(pours himself a glass of port)

Cheers to you, my new friend. Mmmm. Very nice. Very tawny. There’s a whole wildberry essence to it… very good. Well, let’s take a seat, shall we?

WHOA WHOA WHOA! Please, put that money away. You’ll present money to one of the ladies. We don’t handle it out in the open here. It’s very uncouth. Let us instead simply toast to a fine evening. Let us share a brief moment of civility. How are you? Are you feeling well? Are you a police officer?

No? Good. Did you know officers, by law, have to answer that last question honestly? Isn’t that interesting? Now, if you don’t mind, I need to have Tiny here pat you down. TINY!

(Tiny pats you down)

Well, that’s a relief! Now, let’s discuss some specifics. I understand you’re looking for intercourse, is that correct?

(You nod.)

Good! Because if you’re looking for intercourse under $300, you’ve found the right man. I offer premium quality at reasonable prices. And I am a stickler for customer service. We have evaluation forms you can fill out at the end of your session. Now, a couple of basic rules:

-You must pay your girl prior to the beginning of your session
-You must use a condom. We will provide them. We have flavored ones available upon request.
-You must take off your shoes before entering the room.
-Some girls do anal. Some do not. You must ask. No surprise visits, please.
-You will not receive a receipt.
-All sessions are audiotaped for quality assurance.
-No rough stuff.

Remember, these are ladies. Please treat them with the same respect you would treat your own mother when you ejaculate on their faces. Do you have any problem with any of these rules?

(You shake your head.)

Good. Tiny will be in the adjacent suite, lest things get too out-of-hand. But you don’t strike me as the unruly sort. Now. Let’s bring out the girls, shall we? GIRLS!

Chanel: I’m Chanel.

Chanel is very, very popular with our regulars. She’s very quick to pick up on what you like and what you don’t. She’s also works the shaft very well during blowjobs. Take it from me! I only ask that you not pull her hair, because it will come off if you do that.

Yvette: I’m Yvette.

Yvette comes to us from Taiwan. Very exotic. Very good with oils and lubricants. What she doesn’t know in English, she really makes up for with her enthusiasm for new and adventurous things, like a blowing you while riding a sybian machine.

Nene: I’m Nene.

Ah, Nene! One of our favorites. She hails from St. Thomas. Customers have been very quick to praise her ability to put them at ease. She’s very playful, Very friendly. Unless you don’t want her to be. She can get really nasty and tear your dick off if you want. But mostly, she’s very sunny.

Sasha: I’m Sasha.

Everyone always picks Sasha. Dunno why. Unfortunately, she’s booked until 2014. I’m sorry. She’s very in demand.

So anyway, there are your choices. Personally, I don’t think you can go wrong. I can personally attest to the fact that these women all have premium grade genitalia. No scarring or flappy lips of any kind. Only two of them have had children. So that’s very good.

So, who’s it gonna be?

(You think.)

Tough to decide, isn’t it? Well, take your time. No need to be hasty. Let us enjoy this port a little more.

The port is $50, by the way.


Wormfather said...

I'm so fucking confused right now.

In the meantime I'll hang with Yvette, hell, I've got health insurance.

the great bambi said...

don't you need the contrasting view of tavaris jackson's escort service where he negotiates a $20 BJ out of a car like terrance howard in hustle & flow?

JAMMQ said...

Reggie Williams rips Chanel's weave out after every Jags victory.

That's how they get down at Wa U.

lost said...

seriously, if I'm paying for your weave/extensions/braids/perm I'm fucking that shit up.

It's gonna break loose and get all twisted on your head. I'm gonna bust a nut on it.

and I don't care if those payments are made on a weekly, monthly, hourly, or per song basis.

Phony Gwynn said...

Thank God this is a football blog, or I'd be writing Nene jokes until Christmas.

Gourmet Spud said...

That is one...classy...pimp! I feel completely at ease.

But the question remains: who's the mystery John?

Gourmet Spud said...

Also, glad to see Zeus is still working. My dream of a "Posse II" lives on.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Tony Romo's Starfucker Ranch is much more popular.

Matt said...

I need Wade and Jerry. Bad.

The metroplex creamed it's pants this morning as everyone discovered that 1 billionty trillion Cowboys made the probowl and frankly, I'm getting a littel sick to my stomach.

oldefreddjung said...

From what I hear, getting some at Wa U means you motorboat some hippie in her armpit hair.
//Semi-Bitter service academy grad

Matt said...

Someone should tell Silky that police do not have any obligation to answer that question truthfully, regardless of what he sees in movies.

devang said...

Please treat them with the same respect you would treat your own mother when you ejaculate on their faces.

That was just fucking wrong. Funny as shit, but wrong.

Upstate Underdog said...

Yvette is a big fan of Pearl Cream (stealing BDD's joke from yesterday).

Also, her purple panty hose are freaking me out.

Grandmaster Wang said...

In the picture, just above the back of the head of the left Jag-wire, is that (half of) The Ghost of Babe Ruth's Face?

(Yes, his face's ghost is separate.)

Howie Feltersnatch said...

Tiny! Look at me when I talk to you!

Rusty said...

Fellow DC readers,

Let me use this post as an opportunity to remind you that the unmarked bar on 14th and L above Ollie's Trolley is - or was as of 2006 - a fully functioning brothel. It even has a smoke machine and a bar (no credit cards accepted).

Have fun, UM.

smurphette said...

Wait, is there more than one Ollie's Trolley? Because the only one I know is across from Barnes & Noble at 12th & E.

Um, not that I care where the brothel is, I'm just amused that it would be across from a national chain bookstore and an ESPNZone. Then again, it's probably great for business to be right across from an overpriced sports bar.

Kolja said...

Someone should tell Silky that police do not have any obligation to answer that question truthfully, regardless of what he sees in movies.

Shhhhh... if the chicks at Honeys in Everett find out that little bit of information, no more "special" lapdances!

Slash said...

RE "She can get really nasty and tear your dick off if you want."

Is "tear your dick off" code for something? Or are there guys who actually want their dicks torn off?

Just wondering.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Does Chanel come with Altoids, or do I need to provide my own?

Carson said...

BDD how can you hold a full time job while simultaneously coming up with such thoroughly executed and entertaining posts on a daily basis.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

...dying to know what one types into Google Image to come up with such a diverse array of escorts.

QueeferSuthrland said...


Is "tear your dick off" code for something? Or are there guys who actually want their dicks torn off?

Not necessarily torn off, but pretty close.

BME Pain Olympics

Warning: Please do not click on that link.

Warning: Please do not click on that link.

pedafile priest holmes said...

I will take 2 of them and I will put them in a cup.

The Matt said...

If he pats me down he's going to find the magic "wand" i have for Sasha...

bfreakin3 said...

Perhaps Garrard should donate a little more money to Crohn's disease research and spend a little less on Pimp Juice. After all, if they had a cure, he'd probably have double the TDs and half the INTs he currently has. that shit's gotta be uncomfortable.

Christmas Ape said...


It's across the street from the Washington Post building. Journos know it well.

Da Great White Hype said...

as far as I'm concerned, Yvette's lack of proficiency involving the English language is a plus! I'd pay big bucks to spend time with a ho that has no idea how to say "They said my carburetor is broken. Can you pay to have it fixed?

Slash said...

RE BME Pain Olympics link; I accidentally did click on it (yeah, I'm kinda stupid sometimes) but then the window that came up said something about how I needed a certain video player or whatever.

Saved by outdated software. Whew, that was close.

I still think "tear your dick off" or anything close to that sounds really, really uncool. But I don't have a dick, so I could be wrong.