Sunday, December 16, 2007

If You Wanna Talk About a Four Cheese Pizza, That's What We Have Right Here


I cannot believe what I am seeing here today. Not one, not two, but four different cheeses on this pizza. And that's on top of dough and sauce, the fundamental elements of this entree.

Look. At. That. When you think of the history of pizza, you almost automatically think of one cheese, but here we have mozzarella, gorgonzola, parmesan and what's this? Ricotta? This is really something else.

Would you believe the complete mastication on display here by my jaw? I've been eating pizza for a long, long time and very few times have I seen the mandible and maxilla working in such perfect harmony. And the digestion is just about to start.

I've finished seven slices so far and there are about eight slices in this pizza. Once I eat that eighth, THERE WILL NOT BE ANY LEFT.

What does the waiter over there have to be thinking? He sees me having finished my pizza. Does he offer to refill my 128 oz. Pepsi or the accompanying 86 oz. of Dr. Pepper? Maybe he even brings me the check. This will be a really interesting decision that the waiter has to make.

Boy, do I ever have a lot of pizza lodged in my mustache! If I could get that wrapped in a to-go container of some sort, THAT WOULD BE SENSATIONAL. What incredible foresight by me to save all this pizza in my mustache. I might have some to finish on the way to my car.

Look. At. That.

24 comments:

miamidiesel said...

"people whose voicebox i want to give to impoverished bolivian children as a christmas gift"

What the fuck is that all about?

TheNaturalMevs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JDA said...

I think the tags are funnier than the post.

JAMMQ said...

He's still better than Brian Baldinger, Randy Cross, or Tim Ryan.

And no color commentator was going to sound good describing the shit sandwich Pittsburgh served up today.

Mmmmm-mmmmmmm . . . .

JAMMQ said...

I'll make the lame, played-out reference first . . .

2teams, 1 cup.

Brave Sir Robin said...

Personally, the most disturbing thing Dierdorf did today was yelling "You're a stud Ben! A Big, Strong Stud!" You'd have thought Barbaro was running around out there.

Kolja said...

@ maimidiesel-
He's taking my fervent desire to violent relieve most color commentators of their larynxes and giving it a philanthropic twist. Perhaps it balances the karma.

@jammq-
Isn't comparing color commentators like trying to pick out the "hot one" on The View?

Mike said...

Ape's menstrual cycles are perfectly in sync with days when the Steelers play like shit. It's one of those miracles of nature.

H Cuz said...

What, no "OH, MY!"?

peytonloveskenny said...

people whose voicebox i want to give to impoverished bolivian children as a christmas gift

Best. Tag. Ever.

NHZ said...

Who else is on the the impoverished bolivian orphan voice box donor list?

One would have to be Bryant Gumbel...never mind, everyone would hate the kid who got his voice box.

Brave Sir Robin said...

@ nhz: Right now, his voice box would infect and kill the kid that got his voice box

NHZ said...

brave sir robin - I suppose it's possible that being dead could be better than being an impoverished bolivian orphan stuck with Bryant Gumbel's voice....

wrecking_ball said...

Hooray, NFL content!

Dierdorf : Big Ben :: PK : Favre

At least today.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Maybe Bear Grylls can share some goat testicles with Dierdorf?

Robut M. Nixon said...

Do we have to listen to this woe-is-me bullshit every time the Steelers lose?

Excellent tags though, I must say. Dierdorf is the poor man's John Madden. Think about that for a second.

Although to his credit, he's still the rich man's Phil Simms.

Slim said...

Sweet - Robert's comments at 2:47 AM remind us all why a Patriots fan is the largest, nastiest, gapingiest vagina of a fan there is.

The Pats can go right ahead and win all 19 of those games - none of us care about your team, Bob, we just hate YOU.

NHZ said...

Heh, I bet that one really smarts. "Deadspin wannabees"? I really don't know what to say about that zinger.

Christmas Ape said...

Robut:

Despite the fact that Dierdorf called the Steelers game - thus reminding me why I can't stand the guy and wanted to do a post mocking him - there isn't a reference to the Steelers game in the post.

Was it more bitter because they lost? Yeah. But it's an established practice on the site that almost any post on Sunday is reserved for homer rants. So deal with it or fuck off.

And Robert is extra pissy because we delete his comments, so he signs on in the wee hours of the morning to get in his gloating bullshit. Because he's a big man like that.

Otto Man said...

And Robert is extra pissy because we delete his comments, so he signs on in the wee hours of the morning to get in his gloating bullshit.

Nothing helps disprove the assumption that you're a jobless loser than being on the internet at 3 in the morning.

Rooting for a winner and being a winner aren't the same thing, son.

peter king crowned my ass said...

Robert is a fag.

Thank you.

Robut M. Nixon said...

Ape:

Fair enough. I was just breaking your balls anyway.

Also, I agree with the spirit of the post anyway; Dierdorf can tongue my sack.

Kolja said...

robut:

Smother it in hollandaise sauce and I bet he would.

hollywood wags said...

You wanna talk about a good hollandaise!?!?! LOOK AT THAT WOULD YOU!

HUH HUH HUH.