Friday, December 28, 2007

Always Be Covering: Week 17

This is the Maj reporting LIVE from a cubicle with limited internet connectivity! Fortunately the email system operates on a different server, so I can still get my picks to you, the gullible masses.

Whore


Welcome to the final regular season edition of Always Be Covering. It’s week 17 and that means it’s time for the true coverers to earn their coffee. Lots of playoff teams are going to be resting their starters (bitches) so some of the games are going to be total crap shoots, but if I let that stop me then I never would have become such an amazing craps player. So join me for a few rolls of the dice, just don’t crap out on us. On to the picks!

New England -13.5 at New York Giants

ed. note: The Maj is out of town this weekend and thus he was unable to place this bet in time, which is cool because it saved him 50 bucks.

All that stands between the Patriots and regular season perfection is Eli “Double Yellow” Manning.

Jesus.Buttfucking.Christ.

This is going to happen people, there’s really no way around it. Finally I’ll be able to use that fallout shelter I built before Y2K. Sadly it’s little more than a hole in the ground filled with Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies and hardcore Estonian pornography (don’t let the cherubic smile fool you, Debbie is down with the filthy stuff).

Tennessee -4.5 at Indianapolis

Jim Sorgi's heart only beats between three and five times per minute. Once the playoffs are over he's going to be an understudy in the summer stock rendition of Nosferatu.

Chicago +1 vs. New Orleans

Who knows when I'll every be able to bet on Kyle Orton again? Perhaps not until he retires to found the Professional Flip Cup Association with Chris Cooley and Ben Roethlisberger

San Diego -8.5 at Oakland

JaMarcus is making his first career start and the Chargers still have something left to play for. LaDanian should be sitting by halftime which should leave plenty of time for Michael Turner to break the single game rushing record.

Alright everybody, enjoy the last weekend of regular season football for a really long fucking time. Savor it people, you won't get to see the Panthers and Falcons for another nine months. By the time that comes around you could have a kid! So remember, watch a lot of football and keep a wire hanger on hand...just in case.

11 comments:

Rob I said...

I knew she put a pinhole in her diaphragm!

Sexual Tyrannosaurus said...

Dammit.

I'm going to have to go buy a box of oatmeal creme pies on my lunch break.

The Pirate Sloth said...

"Remember Chris, if she smokes, she pokes."

- Lois Griffin.

Moof! said...

The Mountain Dew Douche is also another tried and true option.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

The Michael Turner line was nice, Maj.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Wait I don't get it. What's the hanger for? To neatly hang and put away your favorite jersey until next season?

miamidiesel said...

So is the picture of Little Debbie supposed to double as our weekly cheerleader post?

Matt said...

God I hope not...

fallex said...

Man. I also hope not.


[kicks sweat sock under desk]

Jelly B. Good said...

Bwaahhaaaaahaaaaa... all the crappy porn and pastries in the world won't save you from the onslaught of the Patroooots... seen that scary Cloverfield movie trailer? The big monster crashing into New York is Bill B.'s monster giz shot crashing into the Empire state following the realization of his evil master plan!!!! BWWAHHWHHAAAA!!!!

I think I just pooped in my pants... I should really stop doing this stuff when I eight martinis deep into a Saturday night...

robby said...

we need to start wining people!
http://www.spymac.com/details/?2316383