Thursday, December 13, 2007

Bobby Petrino Pens His Farewell: The First Draft

Click to enlarge
AtlantaFalcons.com

[Bobby Petrino sits at his desk, scribbling on a yellow legal pad]

Dear Falcons,

Petrino: Hmmmm... no, that's not quite right. More formal.

Dear Atlanta Falcons Players,

Petrino
: Closerrrrrr... [flicks pen once, quickly]

Dear Atlanta Falcons Players,


Petrino: Therrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre we go.

Out of my complete disdain speck for you, I am letting you know that, with great relief a heavy heart, I resigned today as Head Coach of the Atlanta Falcons. YAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Petrino
: Becky! Get in here!

Becky
: [from other room] What is it, Bob? I need to go pick up the kids.

Petrino
: GET YOUR ASS IN HERE OR I WILL LEAVE YOU FOR THE FIRST PIECE OF ASS THAT LOOKS AT ME TWICE!!! And I sure as shit won't stress about writing you a letter!

[His wife enters room]

Petrino
: That's my girl. Take a look at this letter. How'm I doing so far?

Becky
: [looks] Well, you spelled "respect" wrong.

Petrino: Really? That's how DeAngelo says it.

Becky: Is the celebratory "yahoo" really necessary?

Petrino: Too much?

Becky: Well, you can write whatever you want. It's your team.

Petrino
: Not anymore! I dropped them like a second-rate Big East team! YAHOOOOOOOO!!!!! We're Razorbacks now! C'mon, oink with me! (begins oinking)

Becky: Bob, you need to get that in the mailbox before two o'clock.

Petrino: (stops oinking) You used to be a lot more fun.

This decision was pretty easy and was made in the best interest of me and my family. Mostly me. Kinda my family. Then the folks at Arkansas. Then Falcons owner Arthur Blank. Then some of the people in Atlanta we were going to send Christmas cards to. But you guys were a solid sixth. And by solid I mean distant.

Petrino: Eh?

Becky
: (shakes head)

Petrino: Oh, FINE.

This decision was pretty not easy and but was made in the best interest of me and my family. Mostly me. Kinda my family. Then the folks at Arkansas. Then Falcons owner Arthur Blank. Then some of the people in Atlanta we were going to send Christmas cards to. But you guys were a solid sixth. And by solid I mean distant.

Becky: Better.

Petrino: Anal better, or oral better?

Becky: Better better. Get back to work.

While my desire would have been to finish in my wife's ass, circumstances did not allow me to do so.

Becky: Oh, grow up.

While my desire would have been to finish in my wife's ass out what has been a difficult season for us all, circumstances did not allow me to do so. I appreciate all your hard work and wish you the best.

Insincerely,

Bobby Petrino


Becky: You realize you're a 46-year-old man who goes by "Bobby," right?

Petrino: (sighs) Yeah.

Guess I'll need to add my middle name if I wanna make it in Arkansas, huh?

27 comments:

Jackin'4Beats said...

What a quitter. Blank should have punished him by making him stay and coach the team for the next 4 years just to be a dick.

Maybe then the Bob-ster could have chipped in for the fried chicken and hot sauce.

NHZ said...

Very funny. I'm thinking he should change his last name too...Bobby Lee Swagger has a nice ring to it.

I forget to type in the word verification every fucking time I comment on this blog.

The Costanzo said...

Petrino: Anal better, or oral better?

Becky: Ass to mouth better


Fixed*

/Too much late night porn

Mike said...

Pretty sad when the two biggest stories in the game are about two cocksmacks further ruining the same 3-10 team.

At least we have Belichick and Mangini. Oh, fuck me with a flamethrower.

JAMMQ said...

At least we went two comments before someone said something that's gonna piss CC off(with the fixed comment).

Woooooooooooooo . . .

Pig!

Sooi!

Razorbacks!

Jay said...

You NEVER go ass-to-mouth!

You're so repressed. Becks, do you ever go ass-to-mouth?

You never go ass-to-mouth.

You've never gone ass-to-mouth?

You never go ass-to-mouth!

I've never gone ass-to-mouth.

Not even once?

Not even ever.

MannysHeadStash said...

"Dear Falcons,
What's up, dudes?"

"Hey, this guy seems pretty cool."


or, alternately:

"Yippee-kiy-yay, Mr. Falcon!"

QueeferSuthrland said...

MannysHeadStash +1

I still don't know what's a better tv edit between that and "This is what happens when you fight a stranger in the alps!"

Marc said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog.

Would you be able to link on over to http://www.thesportslounge.ipbfree.com ? I'd really appreciate it.

Crazy Little Thing said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog.

I don't know you, but could you come over and clean my house? I'd really appreciate it.

Pemulis said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog.



Now paint my fence!

Otto Man said...

Guess I'll need to add my middle name if I wanna make it in Arkansas, huh?

I'd like to suggest he go by the nom-de-douche of "Dicky Bobby."

The Pirate Sloth said...

You're hilarious, great post and blog.

Want to give me anal? Oral?

No?

Fine, just cuddle me CC.

peter king crowned my ass said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog.

Would you be able to cum on my girlfriend's face while I jam a finger up my ass over here in the corner? I'd really appreciate it.

Spectacular Sam said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog.

Can you help me move this weekend?

JAMMQ said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog.

Would you be able to go overseas and fight a war for me while I sit on my couch, play Madden, and drink heavily?

Oh . . . wait . . .

Well, if you could do it again I'd really appreciate it.

Biggus Rickus said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog.

Can you kill this man for me?

My Insignificant Life said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog

Can you take it in the ass for me this weekend?

M Vick.

Toby said...

The guys who really got dicked over by this are the team's assistant coaches. Most of those guys uprooted their lives and families and moved to Atalnta to coach under Petrino. And they did so expecting to be with the team for 2-3 years at least.

Now, 11 months later, they're looking at being out of a job when the new coach is named; they'll have to find new coaching positions and move their families all over again.

Instability is part of the deal for professional coaches, but what Petrino did to his staff really, really blows.

pain-ther fan said...

Look over your shoulder Bobby. See all those people in orange aprons, yeah, they're comin' for you.

Footnote: Everyone realizes that the Falcons are close to $21mil. over the projected cap next year, right? We could be witnesses to a fire sale of biblical proportions over the offseason. Imagine all those shitty players at cut-rate prices!

Leaking Geek said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog.

Can you stop by and help me make the sequel to Twogirls1cup?

fallex said...

Toby, don't the coaches get bought out if they get moved? And you said it, instability is part of the equation. They dont' want that, they can push pencils for a living.

Also, it's not like Petrino has been stable in his job choices - which they must have figured going into the job. The longes he was anywhere was Louisville (03-06), and he was rumored to be out the door in each of his last 3 years there.

brad said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog.

Would you come to my house and shave my back? Or recommend a good landscaping company? I'd really appreciate it.

Inhocul said...

I would like to cordially invite Bobby to stick a used crack needle in his dick hole.

Robocats said...

It's only natural you know. Petrino wanted to leave the Falcons for a program that focused a little more on football.

Russell K said...

You're hilarious. Great post, and overall blog.

Would you be able to change this blog's name to "The Russell K Is Awesome Blog", take down those pictures of Joe Namath and Suzy Kolber and put up a picture of me naked instead? I'd really appreciate it.

quiet cardinal said...

"second rate Big East team"!? ooooohhh, that smarts. why you gotta do us like that caveman?