Monday, December 17, 2007

A Prayer To Jesus To Give Jessica Simpson Leprosy


10 years, Jesus.

10 long fucking years.

I have played fantasy football for ten years now, and I have NEVER won a title. Ever. You would think that, despite my unyielding incompetence, I would have at least won a league one time by default. But noooooo. I only made the playoffs for the first time last year.

But this year was different. This year, I had amassed a fantasy squad of such astounding talent and depth, that failure almost seemed impossible. My lower round draft picks were excellent. And I made all the right pick ups, playing guys like Kolby Smith and Kenny Watson the weeks they had their best performances. I even pulled off a trade for Steven Jackson. By the end of the regular season, I had a first round bye and was averaging over 100 points a week.

My two main keys to success? Tony Romo and Terrell Owens. They produced nearly every week. Until this week. WHEN THIS FUCKING TALENTLESS COCKLEECH SHOWED UP IN THE COWBOYS LUXURY BOX WITH HER SHITBOX FATHER.

“Oh look, Daddy! The cameras are on me again! I’m gonna smile and stick my tits out now, just like you instructed me to! Is this good? HEY Y'ALL, I'M ON THE TEEVEE! The plastic surgeon you hired was great, Daddy! Ashlee and I look like the Olsen Twins more than ever! This game’s boring! I’m hungry! (eats six containers of own lipstick) Do you think I need to get my hair dyed again, Daddy? There’s a racing stripe going down my head!”

My boy Romo was doing juuuuust fine until this big-titted tiki idol showed up yesterday. Fucking Jessica Simpson. Fuck. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!

You just HAD to show up at the stadium, didn’t you, you fucking Redneck Yoko. You just had to be seen cheering on your new boyfriend wearing A GODDAMN PINK COWBOYS JERSEY. I hate the fucking Cowboys, and even I was offended. I get it, sweetheart. Your career is fading. You’re not gonna stay on top much longer. I get why your dad ordered you to fuck a rising NFL star while he watched. I get that you have to help up your profile.

BUT YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GO TO THE FUCKING GAME AND THROW OFF MY BOY’S CONCENTRATION, YOU VACUUM-HEADED CUNT.

I won yesterday’s game against Leitch, but fucking BARELY. I got a championship date with UM this coming weekend, and this fuccubus is throwing a wrench in it all. Now, if I had lost, I was going to wish cancer on Jessica, Howard Stern-style. I was going to pray to Jesus to infect her blood with some form of hideous cancer cell. And for it to reside deep in her bone marrow, quickly growing, turning black and sprouting hair, nails, and teeth. I was going to pray it would then metastisize, spreading to her lymph nodes, colon and uterus. So that she would have to endure round after round of painful chemotherapy.

But I did win, so that seemed inapporopriate.

So, dear Jesus, let us instead pray for Jessica Simpson to come down with a severe case of leprosy. Jesus, I know I don ‘t pray to you often. And I know that, when I do, it’s usually to wish bodily harm upon an innocent being due to fantasy football-related hardship, and that you’ve never answered a single prayer of mine, especially that one I made back in 5th grade about wishing I had a friend.

But I am praying to you now, Jesus, with all the strength in my heart, to give Jessica Simpson leprosy. Today. May it quickly proceed to then rot her body, causing her to lose fingers, toes, ears, and the like. May she be too dumb to understand what is going on with her body, and that she fails to consult a doctor before it is too late. May my boy Romo then immediately dump her sorry ass under the misunderstanding that leprosy is highly contagious (95% of all people have a natural immunity to the disease). May Jessica then be quarantined on a remote Pacific island, where she is then forced to marry Tree Man.

Please do this. I know your God is a vengeful God, and I have naught but vengeance in my heart. This female Brick Tamland has put my fantasy season in severe jeopardy, and I demand satisfaction.

You have my phone number. Let me know when thy will is done. I'll be listening to "(Antichrist Television Blues)" while I wait.

Thanks to AA for the screen cap.

46 comments:

yarnwhore said...

One of the big treatments for leprosy? Thalidomide. That shit from the '70s. You know her skeezy pimp of a father wouldn't want flipper grandbabies in any photo-ops, so he'd probably get her fixed, nixing the possibility of her breeding.

Bonus!

NHZ said...

Jessica probably could've had a better game than Romo...

Sarah said...

I just fucking hate that stupid ugly pink Cowboys jersey. Whoever makes those is a fucking cunt.

Gourmet Spud said...

95% of all people have a natural immunity to the disease

KSK: Come for the laughter, stay for the reassuring medical information.

quiet strength said...

Actually, I think a tit-eating disease would actually be more effective. I'm not sure anyone would notice if Jessica Simpson lost her fingers and toes. Shit, she might actually already leprosy. So unless if it's like tit-leprosy or something, I would suggest something like Hypothyroidism. Symptoms include: unexplainable weight gain, constipation, cold intolerance, joint pain, fatigue, absent menstruation, puffy face, deepening voice, and decreased sex drive. That might do the trick.

Gourmet Spud said...

@ quiet strength:

a.k.a. Rosie O'Donnell Disease.

L’il E said...

I'm pretty sure that Romo "thumb injury" was a result of Romo's confused attempt to give Chestica a shocker gone horribly wrong the night before. I like the leprosy idea, but I want more as well. People can live pretty normal lives these days with leprosy. I like quiet strength's solution.

MoonshineMike said...

"Redneck Yoko"? Visions of sitting in a hotel bed in Branson watching NASCAR is on the horizon?

Comicbook Guy said...

Kinda sucks to be anyone else but Tom Brady right now...doesn't it?

Phony Gwynn said...

But I did win, so that seemed inapporopriate.

Well, I didn't. I was a solid second all year long to a guy who had Brady AND Moss. It was going to be an epic championship showdown - and now we both got upset in the first round.

So, Jessica Simpson, you empty-headed tanktwat, may I formally invite a super race of hyper-bred cancer locusts to take shelter in your colon, and may your womb be infested with the demonic offspring of Beelzebub and Omarosa.

Whore.

H Cuz said...

I take it Wade's spy mission didn't go so well.

@ comicbook guy: Yeah, because Brady sure did throw a lot of touchdowns yesterday... how many was it again?

brad said...

This is off topic, so I'll make it quick:

The Doug and Doug segment is finally working! Check it out, I think it's one of their better efforts.

sugar said...

Pink jersey? At least wear the colors Jynxica.

L’il E said...

@comicbook guy

Brady may have Gisele now but are you forgetting when Tara Reid ruined him? Romo will get over Chestica just like Brady ditched Reid.

Brady was no Fantasy winner this week either. Sure, he did the right thing continually handing off to Maroney, but many the fantasy player was counting on the continued aerial assault.

brad said...

On topic, I think Jessica's dad wants in on a threesome.

Matt said...

Diseases and stuff seem like great retribution, but that relies on too much outside help. What if we just let the o-line run a train on her with barb wire condoms?

sugar said...

Romo's 2 seasons away from being the next Bachelor.

Crazy Little Thing said...

"fuccubus"

Thank you, Drew.

Grimey said...

May my boy Romo then immediately dump her sorry ass

Wow... channeling your own serialized version of Jerry Jones. That's almost scary.

L’il E said...

@matt: I'm pretty sure that would be pretty ho-hum for her and as long as her daddy got in on it (and he ALWAYS gets in on EVERYTHING with her) she'd probably have an okay time, i.e. it would not qualify as a means of punishment nor as a dissuasive measure. Besides, do you really want to risk the health of the o-line like that?

Matt said...

@l'il e

I'm such a shortsighted fool. I didn't consider the health of the o-line at all! Not being a Cowboys fan, I don't really care about them, but then again, there's no real reason to subject bystanders to that kind of thing.

I do live in DFW though and the amount of Cowboys coverage is positively nauseating. I'm really going to be entertained when someone puts a bullet in her head. Might even be Tank Johnson's return to media prominence.

L’il E said...

@matt

No, no, no, your heart was definitely in the right place and your creativity deserves high marks, you just got excited and forgot to really consider the quarry's specific proclivities. Yes, and despite your insensitivity to the that line specifically, you shouldn't wish that on ANY group of football players, not even the Pats (though I'll allow it for Belichick) ;-)

I too am no Boys fan, but there are those close to me that are, and well, I just hate to see any good man go down at the hands (or anus, or chesticles) of a skank like Chestica.

Oh man, I can imagine that Boys coverage must get old up there. I'm a little south of you so the onslaught of Longhorns coverage can ALMOST turn me against them at times.

We should totally program Tank like a Bourne-style assassin or a Manchurian Candidate to get in close and take the whole Simpson clan out in one fell swoop (if we are lucky that little fuck from Fallout Boy will be over for dinner when Tank strikes too).

Otto Man said...

As someone who benefited from the Romoplosion this weekend, I can only give Ms. Simpson a sincere thank you in the format she'd appreciate best -- a genuine Hee Haw style "saaaaaaa-lute!"

SDW said...

Belichick is officially Satan. Fucking assclown. Don't run Maroney all season long, until those of us who drafted him in Fantasy are eliminated, and then run him like crazy during the playoffs we're not in.

FUCK. OFF. And Brady can eat a fucking cuntrag.

Chamomiles Davis said...

I started Tony Romo at QB this weekend. My opponent started... nobody. He had Jason Campbell, who was deactivated this week. Campbell outscored Romo. That pretty much sums up my fantasy season. I'm debating whether or not I return next year.

On the other hand, the Eagles beat the Cowboys in Dallas, so life is pretty damned sweet today.

Ben said...

I feel your pain Drew. Romo is my starting QB on my one fantasy team that made the playoffs, and we lost this week. Even if I had played Kitna instead of Romo we would have won. Damn.

Mike said...

Wade Phillips better carve out an extra large space under the desk to hide his fat ass in, because Romo's thumb is banged up and Crazy Jerry might have a bone to pick with Paul Funyon.

I can't fucking wait for this week's Wade and Jerry post...

Jack de Grey said...

BDD--

I can't believe you induced me to look at the Tree Man. I may never recover from that. You deserve to lose the championship by one point for parading that shit in front of the loyal readership.

Jesus, I think I'm going to yak under my desk.

Comicbook Guy said...

You, know, as we all move into holiday hell, it's so important to remember the little things, like what a whorebag Jessika Slimson is, and just how much love we can all send her. Oh, BTW, you're all right, I am an asshole for posting the Brady taunts but, they play Miami next week and they are on a roll so........

Johnny said...

Yes I found my self in the same position, with Romo and TO....luckily I was up against Brady/Welker combo so I squeaked out a victory via 72-67 since I had picked up Stecker and Crosby for the Packers as last minute adds....the whole league sucked ..not one stud came thru and cost me money in the pay to play leagues....

king of the herculoids said...

im pretty sure that this is sacreligious for commenting, but...

my team of destiny (tom brady, randy moss, chad johnson, ladainian tomlinson, kellen winslow,jamal lewis, brandon jacobs, kolby smith, denver d, baltimore d, ben roethlisberger, and nate kaeding) fell short 3 points to a far lesser opponent

JAMMQ said...

Jesus doesn't answer the prayers of his fair-weather fans . . . or Jews.

You're both.

Die in hedonist hell.

-Brenda Warner

Porky1 said...

I don't give two shits about the Cowboys, but can Jessica Simpson go toss Brian Westbrook's salad before the weekend starts? It's fantasy Super Bowl time and that dude is my biggest threat to supremacy.

The payout for first is 350 dollars, Jessica! I'll cut you in for a full 1/3 share! You know your pimp, er, father would at least consider it!

Come on, my QB options are Vince Young and the Waco Kid (Sage Rosenfels--AT INDY) and those are NOT confidence-building QBs!

smurphette said...

@sarah: WORD.

Grey's Anatomy, really, Drew? Does Mrs. Drew keep your balls in a jar on her nightstand?

Big Daddy Drew said...

@smurph: nightstand

My Insignificant Life said...

uh oh - Jason finally plays his hand....it's all part of his evil plot to take over!!!

http://www.fannation.com/truth_and_rumors/view/30255

Danny Vermin said...

The Jessica thing totally overshadowed one of the other great fantasy football screwjobs of all time, Brian Westbrook taking a dive at the 1-yard line to run out the clock when he could've walked into the endzone. This caused my cousin (who lost by 3 points) to spike his remote control into the floor and smash it into hundreds of pieces.

Hilarious!

smurphette said...

Drew, you have my sympathy. That show is a swirling vortex of shrill idiocy. Being subjected to such bad writing makes phrases like "Redneck Yoko" all the more impressive.

I am really hoping that Yoko makes an appearance in the new installment of W&J.

AdamAnt said...

Scary....Hear Dan Patrick call her Yoko Romo. Everyone now steals from the internet

smeos said...

I was eating until I clicked on the Tree Man thing. Without a doubt the worst thing I have ever seen. He needs to be horribly murdered and fired into the sun.

Oh, and Drew owes me a pizza.

From the other side of town said...

Should of prayed to tiny baby jesus, he rocks!

Slash said...

For some reason, the pink jersey bugs the shit outta me, too. If you're such a girl you can't wear the team colors, then just stay home. Christ. The pink jersey is what did it.

Well, that, and the fact that she sapped all his strength away with her sex and whatnot. Or her dad did. Whatever, I feel sure a Simpson is to blame.

dickey simpkins said...

Pink jerseys are just another sign of the moral decay of America. Unless she was raising money for breast cancer or some shit, she deserves multiple genetic disorders to be inflicted upon her.

Jackin'4Beats said...

I never thought I would hate a chick more than I hate fuccubus right now, but I want her to definitely get a chest eating disease that with rob her of whatever little talent she's got left.

That FUCKWIT is a goddamned jinx and should be treated like William Wallace at the end of Braveheart. Then, AND ONLY THEN will I have satisfaction.

F*ckin' Eagles fans, now we have to hear their asses now. At least the Vikings eliminated them tonight.

rar288 said...

Sure... when Romo has a shitty game with Jessica Simpson in the stands, its because she is distracting him.

But when the Cumslinger has shitty games with literally thousands of women he has screwed watching him, its because he sucks. Makes perfect fucking sense asshole!

Dusty said...

You have never won a fantasy football league BDD? No-fucking-shit?

Yeah Romo spooged my shot in one of my leagues too. Sperm-breathed sumbitch picked a fine time to suck.