Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Gentlemen, That Was A Great Loss Out There Sunday


Bring it in, gentlemen. Bring it in. I know I don’t usually address the team, but Coach Marinelli and I thought the occasion called for it. I wanted to look each of you men in the eye and let you know just how proud I am of you. That was a tremendous loss out there on Sunday. I’ve been a part of some really big losses ever since I got here, but this one was a real statement loss. It’s the kind of loss I think we can really not build on for the future.

You men surrendered your guts out there the other day. You left none of it out on the field. And I couldn’t be happier. When I got here a few years ago, I promised Mr. Ford that I would build him a loser. I even promised that within five years we would not win a championship. And you men have helped me keep that promise. You didn’t not back down from the Cowboys. You took the fight miles away from them. I’m especially proud of you, Jon Kitna. You sir, have the heart of a basement dweller.

But we can’t take this loss for granted. If we want to keep losing, we’re going to have to slack harder than ever. I’m talking about coming in late and leaving early EVERY SINGLE DAY. That’s what sets the foundation for losing tomorrow and in the future. I'm proud of how far you men haven't come. When it comes down to it, you had an early season riddled with winning, but like all dreadful teams do, you found enervating, frustrating ways to shit the bed down the stretch. It was hard, but you overcame the urge to overcome. Goddamn, I love you guys so much, I want to fuck up your taxes for you.

Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Great loss. You guys have really not turned things around. I think we’ve got a real nondescript group of guys here. So let’s just keep it stopping. STOP LIONS!

Okay, men. Back to practice. I have to go clog the toilet.

23 comments:

Gourmet Spud said...

Millen probably fucked up and clogged the sink.

peytonloveskenny said...

And then went out and bought four toilets to replace the sink.

Ben said...

FUCK LIONS!
/marques slocum

Hewerman said...

I keep hoping that the Lions will have a miraculous turn around like the Tigers had a few years back. At least they start to throw it all away half way through every game / season, so I don't have to waste a lot of time watching them.

Les Savy Ferd said...

"you took the fight miles way from them"

well said.

and on the other end of the complete failure/impossible success spectrum, my Bills, wtf!? 7 wins... already? And 2 last second FGs away from... 9!

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

We are all witness.

QueeferSuthrland said...

Unrelated:

http://www.whatsthesecondsport.com/

Squash?

I think Eli is a huge KSK fan.

KC Cal said...

The sad thing is this is probably what Millen actually says to his players.

greg said...

mother fuck the lions. and fuck ufford's prelude, i am blaming the refs. i am still pissed about the marion barber fumble call. there was a pile up for the ball, the refs clear the pile and the lions have it. but they say cowboys ball. fuck that. if they get that call right hanson makes that 35 yard field goal to go up 9 and whatthefuckshisname would have fell on the ball when romo fumbled on the last drive instead of trying to pick it up run.

pain-ther fan said...

Rebuilding since 1958.

/Adam Schine

Jay said...

"I’m especially proud of you, Jon Kitna. You sir, have the heart of a basement dweller."

Kitna is a blogger?

Pemulis said...

maybe it's not his moms basement

Chamomiles Davis said...

Considering the fact that Detroit still has the Pistons, the Red Wings and the resurgent Tigers, it's tough for me to feel sorry for them.

Leaking Geek said...

This was a shitty franchise WITH Barry Sanders...Who smartly decided to end his HOF career prematurely so that he didn't end up in a wheelchair or worst.

Millen Words of Encouragement- "If we play like losers week in and week out, we might have a brush with mediocrity boys!"

XtraLonghorn said...

"I am off to San Diego. Got to scout Limas Sweed for mid first rounder..."

--Matt Millen

quiet strength said...

Turns out it was also Mr. Millen who put Shaun Rogers on his brown gravy and Crisco diet.

Daniel said...

STOP LIONS!

JAMMQ said...

Isiah Thomas gives the same speech nightly.

Awful Chief said...

And then went out and bought four toilets to replace the sink.
In the parlance of our times, +1 peytonloveskenny

Slash said...

Kinda related, and I know we're supposed to be hating on the Patriots, but I'd like to thank them for stomping the Cowboys this season. I don't want to imagine how insufferable Cowboys fans would be if the team was undefeated. They're pretty bad now. I know Patriots fans are also insufferable, but they're over a thousand miles away from me, so I don't care.

Cowboys success may be especially galling because one of the rationales for giving the Cowboys a billion-dollar stadium was so they could be more "competitive." Well, they're still playing out of the shitty old Texas Stadium, and they're 12-1. I don't usually pay enough attention to actively hate the Cowboys, but I may have to change that policy.

Thanks, Patriots.

Jason said...

I gotta think that Jerry Jones may have something to say about this game...

Jackin'4Beats said...

@slash: Suck on it my friend. 12-1 biyatches. I know, I know, you want that record. You're feelin' me.

My arrogance will be even more insufferable if the Cowboys get another shot at the Pats in the Super Bowl and pull out the win this time.

Slash said...

RE J4B: I am sick of hearing about Romo. That motherfucker is everywhere.

I think I would really enjoy the anguish on Jerry Jones' surgically altered face as he watches America's Team get steamrolled again by a bunch of yankees. That would be kinda awesome. His face might actually implode.