Wednesday, December 5, 2007

What Do You Mean, You Want Me To Spy On Jessica Simpson?

Wade: Phew! Well, I don’t believe it, but we pulled it out against those Packers. That Rodgers kid sure is a competitor! Just goes to show you, you can’t ever rest your laurels in this league!

Say, I sure could use a rest.

Hmm. Do I dare? Oh Wade, you wily ol’ coot! No way you’ll be able to sneak in a little catnap right here! You know darn well that nutjob bossman of yours will come flying through those doors at any second. He always does. Maybe I should just wait and see if he comes ‘round.


Boy, I’m getting’ sleepy.


Boy, this couch sure is comfortable. It’s almost like it’s caressing me. I feel so warm. Getting so drowsy… so very drowsy…


I am in a Sleepland. I am floating on a raft with Dinah Shore. It’s so calm here…

(door flies open)


Wade: (wakes up) Huh? What? Oh, no!

Jerry: Well, well, well, if it’s isn’t Tits Van Winkle! Dreaming about castles made of marshmallows again, Big Fun?

Wade: Sir, it’s not what it looks like.

Jerry: I tell ya what it looks like! It looks like someone tranquilized a goddamn elephant with a blowgun!

Wade: I was simply gathering my thoughts about this here Lions game, sir.

Jerry: Never mind that shit, Dumpy Humpty! I’ve got a very important assignment for you! Did you see my boy ROMO get it done against those Wisconsin faggots? All the beer cheese soup in world won’t make those fatass fans forget the cattle branding by boy ROMO gave ‘em! HOO WEE!!! I haven’t been this excited since I convinced Donna Bragg to fuck Houston Nutt, and then videotape it!

Wade: I don’t understand, sir. What is it you want me to do?

Jerry: Fatty, my boy ROMO is quickly becoming a goddamn STAR! The biggest star in the NFL! Women want him! Men want to be him! And Mexicans want to mix his precious half-white blood with their own! But with that stardom comes a few unforeseen consequences, Tubby. Consequences I need you to keep an eye on.

Wade: Keep an eye on what, sir?

Jerry: I want you to keep your eye on that sweet piece of Dixie ass my boy ROMO has been hitting the town with!

Wade: You want me to spy on Jessica Simpson?

Jerry: That’s right, Paul Funyun! My boy ROMO has been gobblin’ up every last piece of pussy in the state. And so far, he’s kept a level head. But this Simpson girl. I worry about her distractin’ his focus! Take a look at this photo, Lardass.

Wade: Oh, she’s quite pretty.

Jerry: Oh, don’t give me that horseshit, fatass! You’d fuck this girl until your heart exploded! In other words, for three seconds! See how a girl like this might distract your focus? Go on, try and focus on the Lions right now.

Wade: Right now?

Jerry: Yeah! Right now! Kinda hard, isn’t it? Kinda hard to think of that shithead Kitna when you’re looking at that tight little 27-year-old ass! Just look at that blond hair cascading down her back! Would look nice riding right on top of ya reverse cowgirl, no? Gorgeous tanned calves… big fat tits… tell me you’re not thinking about givin’ this sweetheart a shallow dickin’ with your 3-inch Bic pen!

Wade: I am a gentleman, sir.

Jerry: Oh, Jesus! You’re no fun, Jennie-O! Now I’ve hired the best private detective I can find!

Private Eye: Hello. My name is Barney.

Wade: That guy looks creepy. He looks likes a convicted criminal!

Jerry: And he was! That’s why he’s so good at private investigatin’! He’s not afraid to break in to people’s home if need be! Now, I want you two to do a little snoopin’! Find out where this girl goes! Who her friends are! What her underwear smells like!

Private Eye: With pleasure.

Wade: Sir!

Jerry: Don’t worry, Fatty. If you need to rub one out while you’re watchin’ her, I won’t mind. Just don’t cream on these night vision goggles! They cost a goddamn fortune at Brookstone!

Wade: But what about the Lions?

Jerry: Pfft. The Lions. They’re a piece of cake. I’ve got the Lions game all prepared.

(door opens)

Garrett: Well, it looks like someone is finally going into private security, the job they were born for.

Wade: Shut up! Jerk.

Jerry: My boy GARRETT here will take of the Lions. You just keep your eye on my boy ROMO’s ladyfriend! And try not to get noticed!

Garrett: Ha! That’s a rather LARGE order for him, is it not?

Jerry: Ooh! That was a good one! You like that, fatty! He’s saying it’s hard for you to stay hidden, because you’re such a fat lump of shit!

Wade: Yes, I get it. Well, I better get started.

Jerry: Hold on, Wade. I need you to stay for just a moment, because it's time... TO PUNCH THE FATTY! PUNCH THE FATTY! PUNCH THE FATTY! PUNCH THE FATTY! PUNCH THE FATTY!

(starts punching Wade repeatedly)



Wade: I hate everything.



JG said...

This really needs to be made into a cartoon film with Winnie the Pooh as Wade and Yosemite Sam as Jerry Jones. (That's who I keep hearing in my head when I Read these.)

SDW said...

"Paul Funyon"?

BDD, you are truly doing the Lord's work.

Will said...

Dont you think the Picture of Barney could have been swapped with a picture of Gallo?

Jason said...

God, every time I read one of these, I fearfully await the appearance of Jason Garrett's creepy-ass picture. I know it's coming, and I want to rush down to see it, to get it over with, but I've got to read the wrole article, and hope that I don't see those disturbing eyes staring at me.

It's exactly like nailing a transvestite hooker. You know that sooner or later, you're going to see another penis, but you just hope against hope that it isn't going to be there.

Or so I hear.

sides said...

"Tony, why'd you say 'Terrel' when you came?"


Upstate Underdog said...


And beer cheese soup sounds delicious, I might even add some bacon.

The Last Dragon said...

These are always one of the highlights of my week. Sad...but true.

Mike said...

yes that's an old photo of her

Don't. care. Shiiiiiit.

@jason: I'm with ya on the Garrett picture. If you're scrolling down a line at a time it's like he peeks up from under your bed or something. Creepy-ass ginger.

Phony Gwynn said...

I'm with sdw. Paul Funyon was fucking incredible. Hard to believe you've been keeping that gem hidden for this long.

Dirty Hairy said...

jason-You forgot the number one rule to banging trannies (or Jessica Simpson). It's ok as long as you are really drunk and/or you kill it afterwards!

Signal to Noise said...

Eventually you have to run out of hilarious names for Jerry to call Wade, right?

I hope that's not true.

TK said...

"Tits Van Winkle"

[Slow clap]

Conky said...

Damn dude-Dinah Shore? That was the best part of the whole thing. That is exactly the type of woman I see Wade having a fantasy about.

Mr. Bad Example said...

What's the "sports & dick jokes blog" equivalent to "Must-See TV"?

As long as there's no blogger strike, I'll be fine. I can live on reality TV and reruns until the fuckwad screen writers solve their shit. But the mere possibility of missing a single ep of this masterpiece makes my bowels uneasy.

So, in no particular order: The Wire... Curb... Conchords... Dexter... The Shield... South Park... Victoria's Secret Fashion SHow... Wade & Jerry

Phony Gwynn said...

Also, if his left eye was lazy, Barney would look just like my friend and ex-roommate.

He's in Poland now. Apparently banging and/or killing hot Polish chicks.

My Insignificant Life said...


I can see JJ laughing his balls off when he's doing this - damn, I can also see this happening for real.

also, tits van winkle along with Dreaming about castles made of marshmallows ....I lost it and thought this will be a story to savor....

Richard said...

Upstate Underdog, get out of my dreams and into my car...

TurleyGirlie said...

Drew? I am now officially in love with you.

Thank you kindly, sir.

Jason said...

If you say Garrett's name three times, he magically appears in your room and sings Gilvert and Sullivan while sodomizing your houseplants. It's true- I read it on the internet.

Silverback 55 said...

This definitely needs to be a weekly animated series. I'll help draw, do voices, get coffee. This just needs to be done. The world will be a better place.

Leaking Geek said...

You’d fuck this girl until your heart exploded! In other words, for three seconds!

Brilliant! I just spewed coffee all over my monitor...I wonder if that voids the warranty?!

StuScottBooyahs said...

I worship 99 percent of BDD's work and he is my favorite columnist of all time, but personally this particular column annoys this shit out of me, and I'm a redskins fan

Jay said...

I've spent the best part of a month trying to work out what is so funny about "YEEHAW I AM FUCKING CRAZY!", have failed miserably and yet still laugh like a hyena every time I read it.

Matt said...

This series of posts has single handedly gotten me through a handful of days and also stopped me from resurrecting my own blogging because with shit this funny out there, who needs another blog?

Digital Headbutt said...

Thank you for introducing "Paul Funyun" into my vocabulary.