Wade: Phew! Well, I don’t believe it, but we pulled it out against those Packers. That Rodgers kid sure is a competitor! Just goes to show you, you can’t ever rest your laurels in this league!
Say, I sure could use a rest.
Hmm. Do I dare? Oh Wade, you wily ol’ coot! No way you’ll be able to sneak in a little catnap right here! You know darn well that nutjob bossman of yours will come flying through those doors at any second. He always does. Maybe I should just wait and see if he comes ‘round.
Boy, I’m getting’ sleepy.
Boy, this couch sure is comfortable. It’s almost like it’s caressing me. I feel so warm. Getting so drowsy… so very drowsy…
I am in a Sleepland. I am floating on a raft with Dinah Shore. It’s so calm here…
(door flies open)
Wade: (wakes up) Huh? What? Oh, no!
Jerry: Well, well, well, if it’s isn’t Tits Van Winkle! Dreaming about castles made of marshmallows again, Big Fun?
Wade: Sir, it’s not what it looks like.
Jerry: I tell ya what it looks like! It looks like someone tranquilized a goddamn elephant with a blowgun!
Wade: I was simply gathering my thoughts about this here Lions game, sir.
Jerry: Never mind that shit, Dumpy Humpty! I’ve got a very important assignment for you! Did you see my boy ROMO get it done against those Wisconsin faggots? All the beer cheese soup in world won’t make those fatass fans forget the cattle branding by boy ROMO gave ‘em! HOO WEE!!! I haven’t been this excited since I convinced Donna Bragg to fuck Houston Nutt, and then videotape it!
Wade: I don’t understand, sir. What is it you want me to do?
Jerry: Fatty, my boy ROMO is quickly becoming a goddamn STAR! The biggest star in the NFL! Women want him! Men want to be him! And Mexicans want to mix his precious half-white blood with their own! But with that stardom comes a few unforeseen consequences, Tubby. Consequences I need you to keep an eye on.
Wade: Keep an eye on what, sir?
Jerry: I want you to keep your eye on that sweet piece of Dixie ass my boy ROMO has been hitting the town with!
Wade: You want me to spy on Jessica Simpson?
Jerry: That’s right, Paul Funyun! My boy ROMO has been gobblin’ up every last piece of pussy in the state. And so far, he’s kept a level head. But this Simpson girl. I worry about her distractin’ his focus! Take a look at this photo, Lardass.
Wade: Oh, she’s quite pretty.
Jerry: Oh, don’t give me that horseshit, fatass! You’d fuck this girl until your heart exploded! In other words, for three seconds! See how a girl like this might distract your focus? Go on, try and focus on the Lions right now.
Wade: Right now?
Jerry: Yeah! Right now! Kinda hard, isn’t it? Kinda hard to think of that shithead Kitna when you’re looking at that tight little 27-year-old ass! Just look at that blond hair cascading down her back! Would look nice riding right on top of ya reverse cowgirl, no? Gorgeous tanned calves… big fat tits… tell me you’re not thinking about givin’ this sweetheart a shallow dickin’ with your 3-inch Bic pen!
Wade: I am a gentleman, sir.
Jerry: Oh, Jesus! You’re no fun, Jennie-O! Now I’ve hired the best private detective I can find!
Private Eye: Hello. My name is Barney.
Wade: That guy looks creepy. He looks likes a convicted criminal!
Jerry: And he was! That’s why he’s so good at private investigatin’! He’s not afraid to break in to people’s home if need be! Now, I want you two to do a little snoopin’! Find out where this girl goes! Who her friends are! What her underwear smells like!
Private Eye: With pleasure.
Jerry: Don’t worry, Fatty. If you need to rub one out while you’re watchin’ her, I won’t mind. Just don’t cream on these night vision goggles! They cost a goddamn fortune at Brookstone!
Wade: But what about the Lions?
Jerry: Pfft. The Lions. They’re a piece of cake. I’ve got the Lions game all prepared.
Garrett: Well, it looks like someone is finally going into private security, the job they were born for.
Wade: Shut up! Jerk.
Jerry: My boy GARRETT here will take of the Lions. You just keep your eye on my boy ROMO’s ladyfriend! And try not to get noticed!
Garrett: Ha! That’s a rather LARGE order for him, is it not?
Jerry: Ooh! That was a good one! You like that, fatty! He’s saying it’s hard for you to stay hidden, because you’re such a fat lump of shit!
Wade: Yes, I get it. Well, I better get started.
Jerry: Hold on, Wade. I need you to stay for just a moment, because it's time... TO PUNCH THE FATTY! PUNCH THE FATTY! PUNCH THE FATTY! PUNCH THE FATTY! PUNCH THE FATTY!
(starts punching Wade repeatedly)
Wade: STOP IT! THAT HURTS!
Jerry: BUT IT’S SO FUN!
Wade: I hate everything.
Jerry: YEEHAW!!! WHOOPADEEDOO!!!!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!