Wednesday, December 5, 2007

The Quarterbacks DEBATE!

GWEN IFILL (EYE-fuhl) of PBS "fame:" Hello everyone, and welcome to our inaugural edition of The Quarterbacks Debate, an improvisational panel show where we bring in two NFL quarterbacks to discuss current events issues from around the world. I'm your host, Gwen Ifill. And my panel includes two great young quarterbacks from the National Football League. On my left, the Jaguars' David Garrard.

DAVID: Hello, Gwen, thank you for having me.

GWEN: And on my right, the Vikings' Tar-var-is Jackson.

TARVARIS: Sup.

GWEN: Now, David, let me start with you. There have been numerous studies pointing to the climb in obesity among adolescents. Do you feel this is on the verge of an epidemic, or merely a disturbing trend?

DAVID: Well, Gwen, certainly factors such as food choices and exercise are contributing factors here, but I believe that since awareness of the issue has grown, parents and younger people both are taking steps toward preventing obesity.

GWEN: Tavaris? A response?

TARVARIS: Shit, man. What the fuck they be trying to drop on ol' T-Jac, muthafucka? Gott-DAMN! Dem bitches a'int go be sleepin' on dis shit, check this shit out. Dis da troof right here! Muthafuckas ain't comin in hee-uh wit no Gott-damn Brook Ballinjuh! Ain't try to b'lee dat shit. I go slap the white right off yo Gott-damn mouth, you crazy ass uppity sucka bringin dat Uncle Tomboy shit up in this mug. I didn't wanna be on the show.

GWEN: I see. Next topic. Tavar . . . David. Estimates show that over 24 million so-called illegal immigrants are currently in the United States. In your opinion, what's the best policy for dealing with undocumented residents? Is it amnesty?

DAVID: Well, I certainly don't see how we can get--

TARVARIS: Shit, man, I ain't comin up in this ten thousand lakes to be just handin' that shit off, know whut I'm sayin? I came to toss da PAIN! That muthafucker in da coat, he be sayin all this shit like I need ta'be reedin deefenses, man. Now what da fuck is that shit? He don't lemme call no audibles any damn way. Now all deez bitches be talkin bout Adrian Peetuhson. Adrian Peetuhson. Sucka, lemme stick Bobby Wade on yo squad 'n lessee if you can git yo ass a muthafuckin first down, and I ain't foolin', neither.

GWEN: ...Okay. (puts head down while shuffling index cards)

DAVID: So, Tar-var-is, do you think there's life on other planets?

TARVARIS: Shit, man. Gott-damn PO-leese be ridin' my shit DAY AND NIGHT, muthafucka. Man, I just tryin' do mah thang, man, know whut I'm sayin? Dis muthafucka bee poolin' me ova' and he struttin' his turkey cracka ass all up hee-uh, and he be all, "Let me see your identification and insurance." Muthafucka, you KNOW who my ass is! 'Specially when I be ridin' down the Bulla-vard in my game shit, fool. Shit, I'll hand you da PRO-gram on da dash and yew can look my ass up.

GWEN: I'm afraid we're out of time. Please be sure to join us next time...on The Quarterbacks Debate. Good night.

TARVARIS: Nighty night, y'all.

32 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

Tavaris is obviously just trying to keep it real.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Herbert Kornfeld lives.

The Last Unitard said...

I never thought it would happen, but I find this offensive.

ColeTrain said...

Keeping it real. On the mean streets of Minneapolis.

sides said...

word is born

Wanna said...

KSK presents "Song of the South"

The Pirate Sloth said...

They's gangsta up in da M-L-P-S. Watch out, fo'.

Rob I said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the great bambi said...

why wasn't byron invited? i saw the pic of him and peyton just yesterday after the game...

Brady Quinn Handjobs said...

gott-DAMN. I always wondered how that was spelled.

Earl Camembert said...

Waiting for the indignant re-appearance of The Big O... three, two, one...

StuScottBooyahs said...

I came to toss da PAIN!

Outstanding.

Sexual Tyrannosaurus said...

Brilliant.

wrecking_ball said...

Wait, this isn't a real transcript?

devang said...

Next up:
Chad Pennington vs. Big Ben

@BDD - For a moment I thought I was reading Kornfeld's adventures at Midstate Office Supply Company.

Will said...

So if not throwing picks makes you smart but having an all-world O-Line makes you drop ghetto slang like a pre-Page 2 Jemelle Hill, shouldn't Warren Moon factor somewhere into this discussion somewhere.

Pemulis said...

those guys seem as good at discussing issues as these guys

http://youtube.com/watch?v=rgF5SxGaCzc

bfreakin3 said...

Sucka, lemme stick Bobby Wade on yo squad 'n lessee if you can git yo ass a muthafuckin first down, and I ain't foolin', neither.

Truth.

mcSey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BigFootFool said...

"'Specially when I be ridin' down the Bulla-vard in my game shit, fool."

pictured it... beautiful.

The Big Picture said...

jared lorenzen would have been uncomfortable with the first question.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

so is this debate what the kids call an "Iffel Tower"?

Chip Fu said...

Sadly, Tarvaris Jackson's life has many parallels to the song "What Can I Do?" by Ice Cube.

Pemulis said...

how come everyone on telivision pronounces his name Tav-ar-ee-us?

Pemulis said...

television, dumbass

Awful Chief said...

For a good time, try reading that in a Will Leitch voice.

Dick said...

A couple NFL sophisticants

http://youtube.com/watch?v=t-iel089cEE

Murderface said...

Gwen Ifill = Hot.

lost said...

murda- thanks for not making me say it.

gwen ifill to me is the perfect 'side freak'

smart enough to appreciate the dick, not like some of these pretty chicks who think they're above catching my nuts in their hair

she got her own means, so you know she's not gonna start no shit at no fuckn Red Lobster over who else you been doin'. shit, she ain't even makin' you take her out to eat. it's carry out and eat in

if she is married, you know it's probbly one of those pudding-soft Ivy League punks. don't gotta worry about him

yeah, she got a face kinda like Michael Strahan, but hey, low self-esteem got to have some basis in fact. how else you gonna talk her into paying your bills, providing you with home furnishings, and such shit?

TDizzle said...

In the words of Herbert Kornfeld "word is bond"!

Clifford said...

'Cism.

I felt really uneasy reading this.

Evan said...

"Monday Morning Punter always says things that make me feel special, like: "You're so cool, you're different, you're not like other Black people! - David Garrard