Friday, December 7, 2007

Triskaidekaphobia

“I’m staying at a hotel and it doesn’t have a 13th floor ’cause of superstition. But c’mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you’re really on. If you jump out of the fourteenth floor window hoping to kill yourself, you will die earlier.”


Welcome to the Week 13 edition of Always Be Covering. I'm feelin' lucky!

I didn't really know which games to pick out this weekend but I knew i wanted to make a big push. After carefully evaluating this week's offerings (drunkenly staring at the lines for ten minutes) I decided to throw down on everything except for the Patriots game. Those fuckers are not to be trusted under any circumstance.

The Singles


Sure, a 14 team parlay would have been pretty fucking in tents, but I had to break things up a little bit because I'm a big ole pussy. All singles bets are for $20

New Orleans -4.5 vs. Atlanta

Chris Redman is starting for the Falcons this week, unless Arthur Blank can find a more promising option hanging out in front of his local Home Depot at 5 am on game day.

Arizona +7 vs. Seattle

The other night my uncle fell asleep on the Metro and woke up at the end of the line. Then he got on the next train going back in the other direction and he passed out again. He didn't want me to tell anybody for fear of the entire family calling him a fucking retard at the next gathering, so keep it on the downlow. In other news, I have no opinion to offer on this game.

Houston +3 vs. Tampa Bay

I have no idea why I bet on Houston so much but what the fuck, it's Chanoookah-ha and everything's coming up gimmel for Sage Rosenfels.

St. Louis +7 vs. Cincinnati

Everything is backwards!!!



That was the only scene in the entire movie that didn't make me want to repeatedly stab Tom Green in the throat with a corkscrew.

The Lou > The Nati

New York Giants +3 vs. Philadelphia

Whatever

Buffalo -7 vs. Miami

Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but Miami is no good at everything.

Jacksonville -11 vs. Carolina

Sports Illustrated thinks Carolina is poised for a Super Bowl run. How have they not hired Mike Florio yet?


Tease Me So Good

All games have been teased 6 points from their original line. If you post a comment saying I got one of these lines wrong I'm going to shove a jug of Carlo Rossi up your fucking rectum, handle and all. The wager is 30 to win 90.

Dallas -5.5 vs. Detroit

The only question is whether or not the Cowboys can actually make Kitna shit himself on the field.

Green Bay -5 vs. Oakland

Ten years from now Peter King will tell us all about Brett's post-game hot dog (no foot-longs, they make him uncomfortable). Then he'll retroactively award Favre the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role in Something About Mary.

Minnesota -3 vs. San Francisco

Purple Jesus thrives during the holiday season. San Francisco would rather be decorating.

Indianapolis -4 vs. Baltimore

God damn, them Ravens looked downright tough last week. Coach Billick has had plenty of time to get that out of their systems.


Ass Kicking Parlay of the Week

This is the bet that could set up my account for the playoffs, at which point I will lose in stunning fashion. Risking 31 to win 195.

San Diego -1.5 vs. Tennessee

LaDanian > Vince > Pip

Cleveland -3.5 vs. New York Jets

Mangini rather enjoys a mouth full of Horse Balls.

Denver -7 vs. Kansas City

Fuck, I'm gonna lose.


Happy Hanukkah everybody!



It's been brought to my attention that this is actually Week 14. Apparently I confused myself by not writing ABC last week and now this week's makes no sense. To that I have one thing to say...

I don't really give a shit.

23 comments:

Jeff said...

isn't it week 14?

Christmas Ape said...

The Maj was in mourning during Week 13! Leave him alone!

Upstate Underdog said...
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Upstate Underdog said...
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Upstate Underdog said...

It's week 13 for the players.

Bills have been a covering machine this season.

Phony Gwynn said...

Denver -7 vs. Kansas City

Fuck, I'm gonna lose.


You got that right, flicktits.

cowboy dan said...

A Carlo Rossi reference? Brilliant. $5 and drunk.

Richard said...

I was once involved in a Carlo Rossi bath at Coney Island (don't ask.) It was the first time the smell of alcohol literally burnt my nose.

Daniel said...

ah Mitch Hedburg.... speaking of dying early.

Sigh.

Gourmet Spud said...

Does your hotel have two trees in the title?

Cliff said...

Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausage?

quiet strength said...

Mitch Hedberg died?!? Fuck me! That fucking sucks! Goddamn...he was the only stand-up comic I liked...

Evan said...

This weekend's looking great. I got the opposite of nearly all your picks!

MannysHeadStash said...

he was the only stand-up comic I liked...

Well, he's been dead for 2 1/2 years so you must not have liked him that much.


This fuckin' straw is saaaaaaane.

StuScottBooyahs said...

Whatever you do, don't fall asleep on the green line...

SDW said...

"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that."

/Mitch Hedberg

Judz said...

I just happened to pull out my Mitch All Together cd last night because I hadn't listened to it in a while and then poof, a Hedberg reference. Good stuff as always.

Robocats said...

Other recent deaths about which we should inform QuietStrength:
K. Cobain
J. Lennon
V. Lenin

Anyway, I was really convinced that the 2nd teaser was a work of incomparable genius (one might say a STROKE of genius), until I saw the Denver-KC part of it. Well, if it was a sure thing, it wouldn't be worth any money.

StuScottBooyahs said...

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

quiet strength said...

Yes...it's always worse when it's sudden and unexpected...

vitalogist said...

I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but then I said fuck it, I will get a tan instead.

Andy said...

I had an ant farm once, those fellas didn't grow shit!

neverbeenawinner said...

if 13 is an unlucky number what should the letter B be? because B is kind of like a srunched together 13.
"hey, man whats your name"
"Bob"
"get the fuck away!"