Friday, December 21, 2007

Betting Against Kyle Orton, So Easy a Retarded Primate Could Do It

You're telling me I'm allowed to bet as much as I want against this guy?

Welcome to the Week 16 edition of Always Be Covering. This is a special week, not because of any "real" games, but because fantasy leagues all over the world will be crowing their champions. I've been fortunate (GENIUS!) enough to reach the finals in two of my three leagues, so this week I'll have the pleasure of beating the shit out of Drew and winning some actual money. Seeing as how I'm paying $200 for the money league I thought it would be appropriate to spread an equal amount over a handful of the tastiest NFL offerings.

It's been a bit of a long week what with the launch of 35 Seconds, assisting on a move, and the occasional bit of actual work (time permitting) so I didn't waste time with any of that silly research. On to the picks!

Each wager is for $50.

Green Bay -9 vs. Chicago

The Packers have only dropped two games against the spread and Kyle Orton throws footballs the way primates fling feces...assuming said primates are drunk and/or retarded. Speaking of which, how come you don't see more mentally challenged monkeys? I bet they'd be fun to have around, for a while at least.

Buffalo +3 vs. New York Giants

Speaking of retarded primates, how 'bout that Eli Manning!

Indianapolis -7 vs. Houston

I have absolutely nothing to say about this game, so here's a video that came up on a YouTube search for "retarded monkey."

It's like the Manning family in some sort of alternate reality!

Washington +6.5 vs. Minnesota

Y'know, Tarvaris Jackson with 6.5 points is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it! No Rocky McIntosh for the Redskins, but that just means more H.B. Blades, and you can never have too much H.B. Blades. You've gotta love the Blades family, they're like the Spinks' of football.

Enjoy Week 16 everyone, now I'm going to go to bed so I can start dreaming about Levance Fields and Dejuan Blair.


Suss said...

I've sold home dogs to Houston, Carolina, and San Francisco, and by gum it put them on the map!

John said...

heh heh. mule.

steve said...

ladies and gentlemen, the fine, brave members of americas armed forces

pain-ther fan said...

Does the holiday primate take offense to your tag?

smurphette said...

Always happy to see the Big East beat the ACC, always happy to see Duke lose.

FJoeTheisman said...

Franks and beans!

brad said...

+1 smurphette

Comicbook Guy said...

Indianapolis -7 vs. Houston
hmmmmmmmmm,,,, no thanks

futuremrsrickankiel said...

hahaha... did anyone else get the link to the video at the bottom of that was labeled "The Most Retarded Monkey Ever" and was a clip of a little monkey being an asshole and taunting some angry tigers?

That monkey looks awesome.

Bonnie @ AZhttp said...

Your site has won a Blog of the Day Award (BOTDA)

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Chamomiles Davis said...

Stupid monkey.

Assistant Wang said...

Rut-roh. I actually like all of those plays. And here's my mojo form: Brady's Sealy shit, Westbrook's knee and Fast Willie's leg. I urge you to play the opposite.

fallex said...

Those spreads aren't teased. Dumbass.