Monday, December 31, 2007

It Could be a Fractured Ulna, I'm Afraid You Forfeit: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

AFC 6th Seed -- Tennessee Titans (10-6)

Gentlemen, I'm well aware that we are trying to qualify for the playoffs tonight, but I'm going to have to excuse myself for a moment. My quad is feeling a tad lugubrious this evening. I may have aggravated it ever so slightly yesterday at my salsa dancing class. Allow me to beg off for a few minutes. Don't worry though, I shall pass the time in my period of serious injury by engaging in a series of vigorous calisthenics here on the sideline. First... ten Iroquois Twists, one hi-yi-yi... two-hi-yi-yi.... I beg your pardon? You are requesting my presence in the locker room for further medical care? No need for a wheelchair my good man, though severely injured I will gamely make that journey under my own power. Steady, steady....

[sprints to locker room in 5.9 seconds]

It appears that despite the dedicated ministrations of our able medical staff, my affliction persists unabated. O, cruel fate! I fear my playing days may be through. Let's return to the field so I may observe firsthand Mister Collins' performance in my stead.

[sprints back to field in two shakes of a lamb's tail]

It appears that under the besotted stewardship of Kerry Collins victory is assured. Huzzah, good sirrah! Don't let the soup-line quality stubble and roguish sobriquet of "Cocktail Kerry" deceive you, this chap knows his way around the gridiron. I will celebrate our good fortune by spending the final four minutes of the games on the stationary bike recreating my recent journey down the bucolic Rappahannock Trail.

[pedals furiously for 30 minutes straight]

12 comments:

Gbenga said...

I don't mean to be an asshole, but the titans record is 10-6

Gbenga said...

ok, it's fixed...must have changed it right before i posted. i'll go back to reading the spectacular post

John John The Bastard said...

I don't mean to be an asshole but I always prefered "Vodka Collins" as a nickname over "Cocktail Kerry"

Upstate Underdog said...

Titans are one more team I won't be rooting for this post-season. fucking Music City Bullshit Miracle.

/bitter Bills fan

impresario919 said...

Speaking of hating, that red font color was a poor choice.

JAMMQ said...

Is Vince Young performing in the Shakespeare in the Park performance of Othello this summer?

Dubya said...

Vince Young should be exiled to the CFL for that BS he pulled last night.

Grimey said...

My, Vince Young has quite a vocabulary to go with that single-digit Wonderlic score.

smurphette said...

"the bucolic Rappahanock Trail"

Awesome, flub. Did anyone else catch the commentary from Madden as VY jogged back to the locker room?

"Sometimes you can do things in the locker room, on the table and so on, that you can't do out on the field."

the great bambi said...

VY has been hanging out with the eloquent and smoove David Garrard

Signal to Noise said...

Emboldened? Hell, Hoge popped a boner after seeing VY go down.

pain-ther fan said...

the iroquois twist quote about made me piss my pants. great mr. burns ref.