Tuesday, December 4, 2007

I Did It, Brett! I Made You Sportsman Of The Year!


Brett! Brett, my darling! Wonderful news! I got them to name you SI’s Sportsman of the Year! What a thrill! And you know why you won, Brett? Not just because you’re a great player, but also a great man. A great big man, with strong hands, and ruggedly handsome features. And such a broad chest. God, how I could just spend all day running my porky fingers through it. And kiss it. I lick banana schnapps off it.

Do you like your award? Do you? I got it just for you, Brett. Because I’m your #1 fan. No one loves you more than I do, Brett. And no one will EVER love you as I do. That’s why I got you this award. Now, maybe you can retire for good, and we can retire together to the lake. Would you like that? Would you?

What do you mean, you have to think about it? Think about what? I did it! We’re free now! We don’t have to hide! Or could it be that you actually want to spend more time with that floozy that you call a wife! Does she get you major awards, Brett? Does she give you pleasure the way I do? Does she give you a blowjob after sucking on five Altoids, like I do every morning? Only I do that for you, baby. You know she won’t do it for you. I let you play by your own rules, Bretty Bear. Just like on the field. Freelance all over me, baby. Freelance on my face.

What do you mean, you have to go? Is this the thanks I get? For helping you? For waiting for you all this time? HOW DARE YOU?! DON’T YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR!

I don’t need you, you know! I got Tony down in Dallas, and he treats me like a lady! And he smiles! When the fuck have you ever done anything nice for me? I give and I give and I give and I let you stick a Dirt Devil up my rectum. And what do I get in return?

FINE, GO! I HATE YOU! YOUR WIFE IS A WHORE, BRETT! THAT’S WHY I GAVE THE AWARD TO BRADY BEFORE I GAVE IT TO YOU! I LET HIM FUCK ME IN FRONT OF A MIRROR JUST YESTERDAY! AND UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, HE LASTED LONGER THAN THREE MINUTES! THEN I LET HIM HOOK UP A MILKING MACHINE TO ME!

(pulls down pants)

Take a good look at this ass, my lovely Brett. Would any other report wear a lacey t-back for you? Think about that tonight, you heartless prick.

GO!

LEAVE NOW!

Oh, God.

Oh, Brett. I just can’t say no to you. You know I’ll always love you, baby. Never leave me, baby. I adore you.

Sit back and relax baby. I’m going to give you a special treat.

38 comments:

Hustler of Culture said...

I never understood the altiods thing. It never felt any different. Maybe it was all the heroin....

Gourmet Spud said...

Great stuff.

And the photo of Kathy Bates circa "Misery" was a nice touch.

denvergodfather said...

BDD just fucking wow. You have a hell of a mind and I love it.

J.L. White said...

Freelance on my face.

Goddamn Drew, that is some hilarious gay on display right there. I'm pretty certain that whenever King writes his MMQB, that he calls Favre "Bretty Bear" but the SI editors change it back to Favre before it goes online.

Daniel said...

Freelance all over my face.

guhhhhhhhhhhh is right.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

No Kill, Kill, Kill tag?

ColeTrain said...

I don't feel the same.

Murderface said...

+1 Gourmet Spud.

Shouldn't there be a Nightmare Fuel tag on this one?

Oh, wrong site. My bad.

Hahn said...

jesus. that was way too fucking much. in a good way.

The Last Unitard said...

I grow weary of PK. Isn't it about time for another adventure with the commish?

dickey simpkins said...

BDD is becoming scary, but it's fun to see how the human mind operates when one thinks about gay love between columnists and quarterbacks.

Booder said...

Where do I go to get my innocence back? That just wasn't right.

SDW said...

Dude, seriously, PK in a lacey t-back is not something I ever needed to think about.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Did anyone else read the MMQB where PK made the argument that the US Office was a better show than Seinfeld? That the ensemble of Angela, Kevin and Creed was better than George, Newman and Uncle Leo? That Pam is better than Elaine? I hope he has a heart attack while raping Peyton Manning.

Junker23 said...

Can you go blind by picturing something in your mind? Because I'm scared it just happened to me.

grungedave said...

PK needs to be careful... John Madden might kill him and then cook him as next year's turducken for trying to say he's Brett's #1 fan.

drozz said...

anyone notice there has been a dearth of gay porn on this site recently? as in more than the usual?

Chip Fu said...

I won't be ignored Brett!

Wang said...

Wait, I dont get it, what's the special treat?

Chip Fu said...

It's Inside the Helmet.

philip said...

I can't stand Peter King, even though he is the most biased pro-boston national pundit next to the sports guy. He's a pompous jerk.

Otto Man said...

Wait a second -- Sir Wesley Willis?

Were you knighted for whupping Batman's ass?

Russell K said...

I need to make sure I check the tags to make sure it doesn't say "peter king gay porn" before I read a post from now on.

I was gonna masturbate later tonight, not anymore.

darthmoridin said...

If this whole sports blogging thing doesn't work out for Drew, he's got a bright future as a slash fiction writer.

I'm off to be sick, now.

Mr. Crash said...

Oh come on, who doesn't like to imagine what Favre's rugged beard feels like giving them a backrub? Am I right?

Guys?

the Associated Dress said...

I do not approve. My jealousy suggests I should be wearing green. And I should be Sportswang of the Year.

What must I do to be #1 (and 12 inches spraying) in your eyes?!

- Tony Homo

/guhhhhhhhh indeed

jmorrisking said...

King went with Favre when Romo cheated on him over Thanksgiving with that cheap hussy Jessica. We all know that Deanna Favre is just farting dustballs down there from all the chemo.

Upstate Underdog said...

That was disturbing, disturbingly funny.

Hank said...

Would the special treat be a bagpiping?

lost said...

Looks like i picked the right day to skip breakfast.



Somehow I imagine PK's butt looks exactly like Eric Cartman's...

Wormfather said...

BDD you finally did it. You out grossed the Towel Spot post. This left me with images that may very well leave me sterile.

Alex said...

Stephen A Smith thinks its wreckless to freelance on someones face without the appropriate training.

Camp Tiger Claw said...

You know how sometimes you laugh and milk or soda comes out of your nose?

That just happened to me, but with vomit.

Dave said...

you were drinking vomit?

Signal to Noise said...

It would have gone to Tony Dungy except that he hates the gay, and refused PK's subtle advances.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

...sincerely hoping I don't let a "Freelance all over me, baby" slip next time I drunk hook up with someone. These things have a way of finding their way into my subconscious, then emerging at just the wrong moment...

Jackin'4Beats said...

My job has officially blocked KSK so I have to say fuck you to my IT department.

Anyway, Drew, this was just wrong...wrong that you didn't write it sooner.

Clutch Is Everything said...

ahahahahah fuckin gold !!