The Science of Sneaking In

With two short weeks left in the regular season, the playoff picture is coming ever more into focus, but that doesn't mean this postseason Gordian knot is all the way untangled. Four teams in each conference are in, but four coveted spots remain. What follows are some scenarios in which the following teams can back their way into opening round losses.

NFC

The Giants can clinch a playoff spot if:


Eli Manning's Citizen Eco-Drive watch instructs him how not to implode drives.

OR


Sinorice Moss applies backward running skills to backing into playoffs.



The Vikings can clinch a playoff spot if:

Knute Rockne disinvents the forward pass.

OR

Bill Simmons concocts an even gayer nickname for Adrian Peterson.




The Redskins can clinch a playoff spot if:

They rally around the memory of Sean Taylor.

OR

They aren't overly burdened by the loss of Sean Taylor.



The Saints can clinch a playoff spot if:

Electrifying back Aaron Stecker continues to live up to all of his draft day hype.

OR

Martin Gramatica enlists cadre of Gramaticas to kick the teams ahead of them in the shins.

AFC

The Steelers can win the AFC North IF:

They're interested in preventing a Christmas Ape killing spree.

OR

Sean Mahan gets breast implant tattoos on his arms to distract the rushers he can't block.





The Browns can clinch a playoff spot if:

Romeo Crennel's decision-making coin tells him so.


OR

I jerk it for a while to this girl and it happens while I don't notice.








The Titans can clinch a playoff spot if:

Fuck. Again? I just blew my load on the Browns girl.

OR

Neither of these teams have fans this attractive.