Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Science of Sneaking In

With two short weeks left in the regular season, the playoff picture is coming ever more into focus, but that doesn't mean this postseason Gordian knot is all the way untangled. Four teams in each conference are in, but four coveted spots remain. What follows are some scenarios in which the following teams can back their way into opening round losses.

NFC

The Giants can clinch a playoff spot if:


Eli Manning's Citizen Eco-Drive watch instructs him how not to implode drives.

OR


Sinorice Moss applies backward running skills to backing into playoffs.



The Vikings can clinch a playoff spot if:

Knute Rockne disinvents the forward pass.

OR

Bill Simmons concocts an even gayer nickname for Adrian Peterson.




The Redskins can clinch a playoff spot if:

They rally around the memory of Sean Taylor.

OR

They aren't overly burdened by the loss of Sean Taylor.



The Saints can clinch a playoff spot if:

Electrifying back Aaron Stecker continues to live up to all of his draft day hype.

OR

Martin Gramatica enlists cadre of Gramaticas to kick the teams ahead of them in the shins.

AFC

The Steelers can win the AFC North IF:

They're interested in preventing a Christmas Ape killing spree.

OR

Sean Mahan gets breast implant tattoos on his arms to distract the rushers he can't block.





The Browns can clinch a playoff spot if:

Romeo Crennel's decision-making coin tells him so.


OR

I jerk it for a while to this girl and it happens while I don't notice.








The Titans can clinch a playoff spot if:


Fuck. Again? I just blew my load on the Browns girl.

OR

Neither of these teams have fans this attractive.

15 comments:

the great bambi said...

i'm sorry but the Eli implosion is unstoppable, even eco-citizen knows it

Upstate Underdog said...

I'd like a ticket on The 3 Titans train, please.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Do you ever wonder why it's so hard to tell how old most Oriental strippers are?

Their secret is called Pearl Cream, and it's made from real pearls!

Booder said...

You think they could get Marvel Smith one of those tattoos while they're at it?

Upstate Underdog said...

@BDD, I keep trying to convince my wife that Pearl Necklace Cream will also work. btw, my wife is not Oriental or a stripper.

Christmas Ape said...

Marvel has the excuse of being injured at least, but sure, don't wanna take any chances.

Grimey said...

BDD: +1986

Upstate Underdog said...

for those of you not old enough to remember Pearl Cream.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaD_fvehAaU

Robocats said...

BDD (and upstate underdog with the much needed explanation), my life was made significantly better from having encountered that. You are arguably gods among men.

smurphette said...

unrelated: Maj will be happy to see that Sean Taylor was named to the NFC Pro Bowl roster. And Mark Schlereth just called him a Meast on ESPN!

greg said...

shit i wish i knew that girls name in the browns gear

Booder said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Booder said...

@greg

http://preview.tinyurl.com/39645z

Don't strain yourself.

the Associated Dress said...

SCENE: dingy kitchen

Predator: Oh, c'mon, Chris! You know damn well this is not a 15 year old from Harajuku. That's a 30 year old Oriental cosplay whore using Pearl Cream. C'mon look at her.

Decoy: Actually, I'm a man, baby!

You know, if a predator actually put up a fight on that show.

Disclaimer: I've never seen it, only heard about it.

lost said...

Thought I was reading FD for a sec...
thanks for the tits. They helped me get myself oriented.